The Great Write Way, Chapter Two: Twice upon a time...
A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.
On as hot a summer’s day as she could remember since coming to the Peninsula, Anna Arrington rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons, breathing the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet and dreamed of Scotland.
“Aiee! Madre de Dios!”
The scream startled Anna back to Spain and the marching army. She reined her donkey to a halt and looked all around, but saw no woman other than her young maid Beatriz, who stood beside her.
We know it's a woman's scream--she looks for a woman. We know it's nearby because she looks nearby. I think that's enough.
I can rearrange the sentence like so:
On the hottest summer’s day she'd ever experienced on the Peninsula, as she rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons, breathing the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet, Anna Arrington dreamed of Scotland.
That's more than a couple of liberties with your prose, but ballpark.
“Aiee! Madre de Dios!”
The woman’s scream, coming from less than ten yards away,
This strikes me as -- I don't know, typical. One of the standard crimes of spy novels and other works that involve foreign languages is the tendency to use foreign words unnecessarily or in ways that feel stereotypical. (Like, every time a Frenchman says, "Sacre bleu!" Even if Frenchmen actually say that, it sounds like a stereotype.)
I'd like that bit better if you cut the Spanish words and went straight to "A woman's scream..." or whatever you end up choosing.
Photo #8.
Prohibited
The gardener bought the champagne for us with our pin money. He left it in Estelle’s room through the open window this morning while all the teachers were at breakfast. Marnie paid for the cigarettes. One of the kitchen maids picked us up a box of Chesterfield’s. Dorothy pretended to still be feeling poorly so she could have breakfast in her room; they came hidden under the tea cosy.
See, Mama, it doesn’t matter if you send me here “for my own good.” You’re the only one who even cares what’s good for me. Let me come home, Mama, please?
Nutty, I see what you're saying WRT "Madre de Dios" being a little too stereotypical, but how about if I left in the "Aiee!"? I just want something there on the first page that says, "Yes, editor/agent/contest judge, I'm opening with some action. I know the rules. I'm not going to put you through ten pages of backstory or anything similarly amateurish. Bear with me as I do a little scene-setting so we know where we are and what kind of head we're in. Trust me, I know what I'm doing--I've got a scream right there on Page 1."
Which reminds me--one of my critique partners wants me to move the phrase "Anna Arrington dreamed of Scotland" to the very end of the opening paragraph, and I think it's a great idea, but I can't for the life of me think of a way to do it that's not awkward.
If you can find a way, I think maybe you should consider it. I found the first paragraph more of a problem than one with the screaming. I'm not sure why.
On as hot a summer’s day as she could remember since coming to the Peninsula, Anna Arrington dreamed of Scotland as she rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons and breathed the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet.
You could be intentionally repetitive, to sort of make the reader feel the oppression of the weather and conditions, maybe like this:
She rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons. She breathed the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet. She suffered the hottest summer's day* she could remember, since coming to the Peninsula. Anna Arrington dreamed of Scotland.
In the way I've suggested above, I think it might need one more sentence before the "Anna Arrington dreamed..." one, but I don't know what.
* Do you need "summer's" in there, to orient the reader to the setting, or as a cue for something later?
Now I'm starting to understand why entering these writing contests can turn into a distraction. Because now I'm obsessing over contradictory comments--not that anyone here is contradicting each other, but some of you are contradicting things I heard from beta readers--and spending far too much time editing something I've already edited half a dozen times, rather than just giving it a quick proof, printing it out in the contest's chosen format, sticking it in the mail, and getting back to work on actually
finishing the damn book.
(Which is not to say I'm not grateful for the help/suggestions, because I am. Just that I'm beating myself a bit with a clue-by-four for overdoing it, especially when I know darn well it's not my raw writing ability that's kept me from finaling in the past. I miss on storytelling elements, not on the way I string words together.)
(OK, it *is* clear that y'all offer great feedback and wonderful advice, right, and I'm the one with the problem for getting my writing priorities all out of order? Because I'm feeling like an ass, especially given that I've taken several of your suggestions. It's just that I realized I was getting way too obsessed over the whole thing.)
On as hot a summer’s day as she could remember since coming to the Peninsula, Anna Arrington rode her little donkey alongside the baggage wagons, breathing the dust of thousands of tramping hooves and marching feet, and dreamed of Scotland. (edit: or, ...marching feet, and dreaming of Scotland.)
In point of fact, even the word "summer" probably isn't needed; I'd let the following pages set the full scene, and in fact, the "as hot a day" shows us, rather than telling us. But again, that's for the bigger picture, not as an excerpt.)
As to the scream and the Spanish exclamation, I'm not sure why either the vocalisation or the exclamation is needed there. She's startled back to the realities of her situation by a scream, coming very closeby. Does the Aiee or the exclamation lead to something? I mean, does she find out who this woman is, become friends with her? If we never actually see the screamer after this, I'd keep it simple.
edit some more: your two posts popped in as I was posting this one. If there's a specific element that you think is necessary for contest submission, ignore the above. I don't know how these contests work, so I was addressing it as fiction, rather than as a excerpt.
Why not just:
A nearby woman’s scream startled Anna back to Spain and the marching army.
I say that as a person who never thinks of things in yards.
