Oh, God, I've had this conversation. "Why not?" Dude, you do not want me to sit here and explain the things about you that make me not want to date you, do you? Because I can guarantee it's not going to make you feel any better.

Miss Manners (who is generally pretty right on about interpersonal communication) says you should never give a reason for turning down an invitation, unless it's an invitation you would like to accept & would like to have offered again in the future. So whether it's dinner with an acquaintance you find annoying, a weekend at your in-laws place in New Jersey, or a date with someone you don't want to date, you simply say, "No." If they press, "No, I'm afraid I simply can't." Saves you from having to extricate yourself from a lie you told to protect their feelings, and saves them from realizing that you really don't want to be with them.

Of course, if it's a really good friend, like Xander was to Buffy, then you might want to give more information. But you don't have to.

Now there's a discussion as to whether Buffy was wrong NOT to sort of give it a go with Xander knowing a) he adored her, and b) she wasn't sure she was interested in a relationship with him - in fact was pretty clear that she WASN'T ready.

I don't know that I get the 'not ready' part of the Xander and Buffy equation, only because - well, they were so young. Ready for what? Marriage? Certainly not, but at 17 or whatever, that's how it should be. Ready for dating? Sure. Ready for a heavy relationship? No. But see "17". She just didn't feel that way toward him, at least at the time he was asking. That's what happens.

Saves you from having to extricate yourself from a lie you told to protect their feelings, and saves them from realizing that you really don't want to be with them.

Even without having to extricate yourself from an outright lie, it also saves you the strange drama of having to quibble semantics over matters of the heart.

I myself, as a much younger person, thought that I could debate the matter with someone until she changed her mind. All I had to do was say just the right thing, right?

Except for the assholes who say "why won't you go out with me"

"why won't you go out with me"

"Well, for starters, you're asking that question..."

Except for the assholes who say "why won't you go out with me"

Thank you, but, no thank you.

Really. That's all you say. I had it down pat by 17. It even works. Miss Manners is right with this one.

"Well, for starters, you're asking that question..."

I usually responded with something like "Well, you don't seem to know how to take no for an answer, which does not bode well."

How about if he'd returned feelings, but refused to act on them due to his existing obligations? Y'know, due to him being all noble and shit.

I would say he's probably still have lost his shininess, because I liked that he was all lovey with his wife. Of course now I kinda think my crush wasn't so much on that particular guy, but maybe just that kind of guy.

I usually responded with something like "Well, you don't seem to know how to take no for an answer, which does not bode well."

Snerk. There's a guy in my office I keep wanting to say that to. I mean, his reply to "socializing one-on-one with you makes me uncomfortable, and I don't think that's fixable" was "I think it is fixable! Here are some suggestions." Uh, no, see, you're increasing the uncomfortable there. Not helping!

(Obligatory disclaimer: I've done plenty of Stupid Relationship Things in my life too, God knows.)

I don't know that I get the 'not ready' part of the Xander and Buffy equation

Uh - yeah. I actually meant to write

she wasn't sure she was interested in a relationship with him - in fact was pretty clear that she WASN'T interested.

but I was so busy making it parallel with what I'd written about Spike that I messed up. Mea culpa and all that. I went back and edited it.