He got a lot of slack because he was a maladjusted kid. He received forgiveness and discretion because we knew how screwed up his upbringing was. Many of us have been and even continue to be awkward or damaged or outsiders or otherwise have a lot to learn and extended kindness to him out of empathy as much as anything else.

Delurking to applaud this, and to say that my perspective on the situation is similar to Barb's, though not observed quite so up close and personal. When I saw this situation break open on Twitter, I was disappointed but not really surprised.

I'm sorry that this has happened to our community; this is a safe space for many, including me. It's even harder that it's coming from someone that I considered part of the community. For those that were affected, I hope that we've shown that we love and support you.

One thing I have learned in life is that in cases of serious harm, forgiveness does not, cannot mean protection from natural consequences. Forgiveness does not always mean a restoration of a relationship, good as new. It is possible to like, to care deeply, to love someone and separate from that person as the rightful, healthy response to harm they have done. Speaking publically of what a person has done is not vengeful, even if the consequences that fall from widespread knowledge of those actions are long-lasting and vigorous.

I don't quite know how to bring this statement to a close - wishing healing for all who have hurt.

I'm fine with a bullshit consensus in this case, and someone should probably also remove him from the facebook group if that hasn't already been done.

I have blocked Sunil from the Buffistas Facebook page for the comfort of everyone else there.

I added him to it when I created the page, I figured it was my duty to revoke.

[link]

Important stuff first:

Jessica: I believe you, I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm sorry that my reaction to that post was both much delayed and ineffective.

Juliana: I believe you, and I'm so very sorry that happened to you.

Barb: I believe you, and I cannot imagine what having my career involved in something like this would be like; I am very glad you're not in close genre proximity to it.

I will support any decisions the Stompies make, but it won't bring me back with any more frequency.

Less important but still relevant:

Eight years have gone by, and I still feel a huge load of anger and hurt about this, so I will try to keep my commentary brief.

This was the thread that did it for me. My post number 164 in that thread was my last contribution to the Board until my mother died in June of 2012. So while I can't say that Sunil has kept me away from b.org directly, he did have something to do with it.

A number of my Buffista friendships didn't really survive that thread. My conduct in majority-woman spaces also changed; I hope for the better. I'm a lot quieter and less effusive now.

I tried, folks. Those of you wondering why you didn't speak up sooner -- what happened to me is at least part of why. I found it was easier on my heart to walk away from a community I loved than to insist that I knew a creep-in-the-making when I saw one in the face of my friends' disagreement.

I hope this is helpful, both in illustrating the dynamic at work and for the folks who were hurt. And for anyone who was wondering why I left, I hope it explains something.

Thank you for speaking now, Karl. And (although I missed it at the time -- wasn't ever in the SPN threads) I hate that that convo drove you off back then.

You know Karl, your instincts were correct there. It's messy--I know a lot of us sort of bristle, still, at some of the more puritanical aspects still present in a lot of feminist spaces and I know for me, that can be a blind spot when it comes to spotting this kind of thing--not just here, but elsewhere, offline. For whatever that's worth.

Damn it, I hate when my gut is right about people.

What Plei said.

With an addendum of I am sorry, you were right, and re-reading that part of the thread is nausea-inducing, in these circumstances.

Oh, Karl... ::sigh::

I really have nothing else other than I'm sorry you felt that way and also, that I thank you for your words of support. I feel as if I got off easy—he doesn't frighten me and even as I switched genres to something where he in theory had more pull than I, he still didn't frighten me. I don't know—maybe I'm just entirely too cynical.

I am, also, extremely pissed off.