JZ's cousin, Nicole, visited us the last four days, coming in from Sacramento. Just as I knew I needed to bring my niece, Crystal, out to visit after my sister's death, I knew that Nicole needed San Francisco time.

Jacqueline and I had reached out to Nicole as a young weirdo nerd and offered her safe space in Freak city, trying to be a little beacon for her as she swam upstream eternally. Just a little life preserver, a buoy we could offer to her.

I knew she would take so much sustenance from just being in San Francisco and she did.

This afternoon I drove her to the Amtrak station in Emeryville to catch the Capitol Corridor train back to Sacto. I hadn't been in the East Bay for a bit.

I drove around after I dropped Nicole at the station. And I felt such waves of sadness washing over me.

Because so much of the first ten years of my marriage with Jacqueline was tied up in the East Bay.

I drove by her old apartment on Shattuck where we originally met at the Buffy S5 Finale party. The baseball fields in Albany where we'd spent so much time with Emmett's Little League. The exit to her father's house in Oakland, where we'd spent so many holidays, and where she'd taken Matilda for years.

The venue we looked at in downtown Berkeley for our reception before choosing something else. Most recently the Mike Birbiglia show we saw in Berkeley which was our official First Live Performance After The Pandemic.

None of that part of our lives had anything to do with her cancer or death. It was mostly ten years past, from when Emmett graduated from HS (2014).

I just felt these waves of loss and loss and loss washing over me. A descending sadness.

A lot of your life will happen in 20 years, and this was a ten year chunk I hadn't been back to since she'd died.

I missed her and I'm missing her.

When I miss her, I think "She's not here." But I don't think she's anywhere else. But she's definitely not here.

Many hugs, David, and a bit of forehead touching, too. I know where you are, I see you.

Jen, I'm in PT mainly for balance. I don't need strength training, but I am a little off-balance now when walking. So we've been working on that, core training and so on. It's helping. I second Matt--balance is important.

I apologize for my absence, and everyone I missed personal congrolences and support, apologies as well. Words are hard sometimes.

I had a post-op checkup with my PCP on Tuesday (for which I'd had a whole skein of blood tests and a mammo and ultrasound beforehand so we could discuss). I've had my eyes and teeth checked twice each and the persistent headache persists so she sent me to X-ray for my neck. Aside from normal wear and tear, there's no obvious cause. It's a thing, it has been a thing, and looks like it will be a thing unless somebody comes up with a magic no-headache remedy. Today I had a therapist appt, in which we talked about some stuff. No resolutions, but I do feel better after. And tomorrow PT. I think next week is entirely clear of medical appointments. It seems like my whole social life is medical appointments. And as I said to my therapist as I sat in her office, "So, how've you been?"

David, words are failing me, but sending love and support from over here.

Beverly, so lovely to see you. PT for balance help -- I bet my doctor would support that. Thanks for sharing. Health and banishment of the headaches to you.

I've started with a new head therapist. He seems like we'll mesh. My first male therapist. Interesting!

Many hugs, David, and a bit of forehead touching, too. I know where you are, I see you.

This says what I feel. I wish it wasn't so hard, but it is.

Beverly, I hope a head solution is found. Also, balance is definitely something to work on. Neither the wobble nor the fall are any fun.

Wild and crazy night here. Gale-force winds blew down the street lights in front of the condo. They have them back up now, but not working yet. Several trucks out there although I wouldn't want to be on a lift truck in this wind. Brendon had to go out on the balcony at around midnight and drag in the furniture that had all blown into one corner before it took off. We were expecting 8" of rain from this blob of a storm, but no one mentioned that level of wind damage. Schools are all closed today. DH drove the dog to the park and said the city hadn't even made it to our end of the beach yet and A1A was covered with sand piles and palm fronds. Our storms are starting earlier in the year, lasting later, and are stronger. Not cool.

That's so great, Atropa!

I hear you, Hec. Those are big waves that get set off by the not-a-regular-part-of-current-life things

{{Bev}}

Those are big waves that get set off by the not-a-regular-part-of-current-life things

That was it. I wrote about it because mostly I'm not sad. I'm carrying on. But it just kept coming in waves when I was in the East Bay because I could see the long arc of our marriage from a different perspective.

It's sunny again in SF and I shouldn't complain about it, but I really wish the cool Fall air would arrive and stay.

Off to run and then chip away at the tasks which have piled up while we had Nicole here.

Sometimes, since Matthew Perry passed recently also, I imagine that he and JZ are in an ATM vestibule somewhere. Because one of the first things we bonded over that wasn't about the group was that episode and how cute "gum would be perfection" is. I imagine she'd have many thoughts about the word "vestibule" too. (Not saying that's true in any way. I just like to picture it.)

That's rather delightful, erika. I am charmed.

Well, thank you. I literally don't hear that every day.

Completely unrelated to anything y'all are talking about - my company's affiliated winery is offering us 50% off their current release wines (they are much fancier than the wine I naturally gravitate to, they do library releases and have a "tasting salon" rather than a tasting room and even with the 50% off I would not I would not be looking at bottles with these prices at the grocery store or BevMo, but I still kinda feel like buying some? Because it's a good deal? I went through and picked out 8 that sound pretty good and am trying to remember if I like Pinot Noir. Not particularly, I don't think, although I don't dislike it as such, either. There's a "vertical tasting" of 2015-2018 that is intriguing just because vertical tastings are always interesting but would I ever really do that and can I distinguish between pinots enough to make it worthwhile?

Has there ever been a more first world problem? So bougie