You’re carrying a lot right now and have been for a while. Maybe they’re worried it will catch up to you later when it’s quiet and there aren’t as many immediate things that need to be done. Of course you know yourself best and should do what you think is right.

You mean, we're *not* supposed to be hanging by our fingernails? (kidding. Kind of.) But I don't think therapy would help me smash capitalism, either, and I really think that's how that stops, if you're me. I've had a lot of counseling...it's good, if I can stop my inner apple-polisher from coming out and trying to win over the therapist. Sometimes getting through the disability stuff feels a lot like grieving too. Survivor's guilt and stuff(Which I did not learn in therapy, but from Denis Fucking Leary's TV show. #TheMoreYouKnowAsshole) I think about getting back in, but I'm not sure if I want healing or a one-woman show at this point. Also,how much better can this be? Like, I'd rather have the money for the sessions.

Yup, erika. The disability thing is always right there in the background of every issue for me, and it’s gotten worse since becoming a mom. I worry constantly about people looking at me as a not good enough mom.

I'm glad you are not feeling desperate and hanging on by your fingernails, Hec.

BTW, I thought about having nachos for lunch today, better late than never, but the place I happened to look at had them for $27 and that was just too rich for my blood at the moment. I bet they are good, though.

Could they really be $27-worth good?

Maybe there is a whole lot of them and I could eat nachos for days?

$27 nachos sounds like something you order for a table, not for lunch.

Honestly, I think that $27 nachos is probably some overpriced foodie BS, like "Waygu strips with artisanal aged cheddar cheese sauce on truffled corn triangles," when I want ground beef, Velveeta, and super salty chips in the bargain bag size.

That makes sense with the rest of their menu (ETA the for the table thing. They don't look like artisanal handcrafted with pricey ingredients frou frou although that is definitely a thing I could run into around here)

Oh, my God...for $27 at Filibertos, I bet I could poison myself. With abundance, I mean. Not that, since I brought up Denis Leary, I've made any plans. sj, I can relate to it getting more complicated as I get older, not less, as I might have expected. I really thought that--it happens for some people who totally find their niche and their tribe and all that-- but also, abled white people, with whom I've spent so much of my time, get really stuck on playground exclusion being The Worst in a way that doesn't ring true for me, personally. The kids weren't that hard on me, but they did see me as way different than them. But here's the thing: At that point, I did too. Also, it's easier for your mother to get you to believe they're jealous of your spicy brains when you're actually eight. Instead of twenty-eight or thirty-eight. Being happy for your friends as a putative adult is WAY harder than being "spaz" to some booger-eater you'll never see again. Especially since, as I said, the world is primed to hear that story in a way it never wants to hear my shit again and wants to kiss it better. Sorry that it makes mothering harder, though. Last thing you need.