ltc read a book that upset her at school about a kid falling and knocking out her teeth, and then she fell leaving the school and burst into tears the minute she got in the car.

So weird to be hoping for a friend to leave us as soon as her body allows. I have been having morbid humor "ascend already!" thoughts for a week or so, and feeling guilty (but also like she'd be amused) right after.

Plei and I are sharing a brain.

I feel marginally guilty that I am checking FB and the Board while I'm in session these days. My focus is generally pretty laser, but I'm distracted.

One of my favorite people asked about Jacqueline today and it was such a relief to be able to come check for David's name here while we were together on Zoom.

I only have two appointments between now and Sunday, having just finished my 3pm. And, just now, a wave of sadness it hitting me. I cherish my philosophy, but it cannot stand against the pain in my own heart and the experience of pain in our community.

Plei and I are sharing a brain.

::high fives you::

I got three black stone bead bracelets at the co-op that's halfway up to Bev's place from mine right around the time my thoughts went to "let her rest now", and, other than sleeping and showering, I'm basically wearing them full-time as worry beads until she's gone where we cannot follow. (Snowflake obsidian, lava rock, and a secret third thing, which, okay, is just "hell if I can remember what the third one was, IDK, onyx or something".)

We all, or most of us, need some sort of ritual.

I also got a notebook, which I'm carrying around in my purse as I wait for something profound to strike me. Thus far, nothing has, but if it does, I'm prepared, damn it.

David, I think having JZ's urn at her desk with postcards is such a lovely idea. When she posted about the desk I was so excited because y'all helped me get my dream desk and then JZ got hers! The perfect writing desk for the attic and that she found it and only got to use it for such a short time is one of those things. Like not being able to see OFMD and all of the other little things.

I don't want JZ to be gone, I want her to be healthy and whole but she can't be and I don't want her in pain and suffering either.

When my dad's father was diagnosed with cancer they moved to a relative's house in town that was empty and not sold (they had been living way out in the country) and when he got to the hospice stage that's kind of where everyone centered. I'm not sure for how long but there was always people there and various relatives cooking or bringing in food , sitting in different rooms, having different conversations, holding vigil. That's kind of what this has felt like.

I got three black stone bead bracelets at the co-op that's halfway up to Bev's place from mine right around the time my thoughts went to "let her rest now", and, other than sleeping and showering, I'm basically wearing them full-time as worry beads until she's gone where we cannot follow. (Snowflake obsidian, lava rock, and a secret third thing, which, okay, is just "hell if I can remember what the third one was, IDK, onyx or something".)

Hi-five back atcha. And, now you've done it. I just went to my magic stash and drew out a snowflake obsidian, pyrite and onyx. (dissolving fears, protection, fierce support). I will carry them now, and until my tears are dried.

snowflake obsidian

I *love* snowflake obsidian!

Most of us need something. When StE was in ICU I wore a sandalwood mala on my wrist. I figured if he was beyond hearing maybe he could smell that I was there. When he died I couldn't stand the scent of sandalwood and put the mala in a pretty box on my dresser. I won't use it again, but I can't part with it, either.

I haven't had a talisman for Jacqueline, just the images of her dancing, talking, holding baby Matilda, posing on the old apartment house stairs, wearing flirty hats, persisting in arguments against people who are Wrong in their thinking and their doing. Those things can't be put in a box.

Many hugs to the Zmayhem household, and all of us, really.

Many hugs to the Zmayhem household, and all of us, really.

This. All the love.

All my love to everyone in the Zymahem family.