Welcome to the world, Arthur! You don't know it yet, but you are fortunate to live for even a brief overlap of time in a world containing JZ.

Amen, Plei.

I'm very late, Arthur. Your surgery is even over. Welcome to our world. You're our most recent best chance. No pressure.

Since the day I took JZ into the ER, Emily (aka, Emmett's Mom, or EM as I've noted her here) has been running the house for me. She moved in, slept on the couch. Does the cooking, does the dishes, cleans everything, takes Matilda to appointments, does laundry.

She's only taken Wednesdays off to go home and see her partner, Wayne.

We've been talking the whole time, whispered conversations in the kitchen.

At one point I said, "Everybody wants to support me but nobody's exactly worried for me. They know I'll get through it, as hard and painful as it is. In a way, I already know what to expect because we got divorced. I know what it's like to wake up one day and all of your routines and daily interactions and years of in-jokes just disappear and you stagger around and are lonely and slowly build up a new life."

And she said, "Aha! That's the third gift I've given you! The first is that you married Jacqueline because I divorced you. The second is that you got Matilda, and this is the third. You're welcome!"

First of all, Hecubus, dang you for making me fall in love with yet another member of your family. Emily, you've always been EM to me, but now you're a Velveteen Rabbit. Thank you for loving on Emmett's family so much.

Also, David, this:

Everybody wants to support me but nobody's exactly worried for me.

Is not true at all. I've worried myself sick about you. I mean, you might think that we might think, that you're okay, and whatever. We don't.

We never thought that. We always thought JZ was the one who saved you (dammit, here comes the Oasis earworm). We thanked God, ita, Joss (until we knew what an asshat he was) and the Powers That Be, that JZ swooped in and did her magic on you.

To the extent we think/know you'll be okay, it's because you have Emmett, Matilda, and well, we don't really think JZ will leave you, merely because she shuffles off this mortal coil. Our asstastic girl is in it for the duration, and guess what, the duration hasn't even started.

(In all seriousness, Hec, I can't do this. I couldn't even do the Zoom. I don't know what we'll do without Jacqueline. But honestly, and it sounded like a slam before, but it's not, every single one of us is worried about you. We know what JZ is to you. You, to your great and unending credit, never left that to our imaginations.)

Strix? Your post slayed me. That is all.

David, insent.

Following on Cindy's thoughts, David, I'm worried for you like you were worried for me. But 'worried' isn't really it.

Of course, I wish you could just bypass the suffering to come but, as you made clear to me then, it isn't possible, and in many ways, is not preferable.

I won't go into details here about how you did it, but you saved me when I was 100% on my way out. You saved me with a simple phrase that I'll never forget until the moment no thought or wisdom is available to me.

You need a place to put your love.

Yes, there was the concern that my will to die was stronger than my will to live, but you would not even have reached out if you did not have some kind of faith that I had what it took to make a different decision.

In my IRL life, no one doubted that I would be alright because I always am. The same is true for you. Honestly, though, there have been times when that hasn't felt good to me. But that is the reality I've built for myself.

The reality you have built is stuffed to the bursting with love and connection and beauty and style. Your entire life is the place you put your love. Having Jacqueline in your life is proof of that.

That will mean very little for as long as it is displaced with grief. But I have faith that everything that has carried you through to this point will sustain you still.

And when you need a place to put everything in the way of that, I volunteer to be a listening well. Rock solid, where nothing escapes.

Not surprisingly, beekaytee is wise.

Today we can celebrate birthdays! It is meara's birthday! Also, a birthday twin, Jen K! I wish you the happiest of days being spoiled by all around you. May the year to come be joyful.

Thanks Laura! A weekday birthday is always somewhat anticlimactic as an adult. Gotta work. And thanks to Facebook memories, I remembered that my driver's license expires today (oops!) so just got on and renewed it (not sure how long the new one will take to get to me, and I wish I could get a new picture, but oh well)

I wish I could get a new picture, but oh well)

I don't know how old the picture is on my license, but surely over a decade, and my current license is good until 2031! How I could even be recognized is a mystery. You would think at my age they would make me come in for an eye check or something. I'll be 77 when it expires.

Totally random, I saw somewhere that Dick Van Dyke was on Days of Our Lives. I thought this was wild since he is about a zillion years old. So I tuned in and damned if he isn't playing an old guy who lost his memory. Also wild, I haven't watched the show in ages and there are the same people on there! I watched in high school and I think if I tuned in once a year I could keep up with the characters and stories.

OMG, I might have to check it out today. I loved that show in high school.

I can't find a good video/audio of it, but an olde timey comedian did a bit about soap operas where the couple is speaking to each other by emoting using just their names. 'John! Marsha.' 'Joooohhhhn? MARSHA!!!' etc.

Then, he talked about tuning back in after not watching for 10 years and it was 'John! Marsha.' 'Joooohhhhn. MARSHA!!!'

Being a soap fan at the time, that hit a bit too close to home. Same people. Same dialog. Different coma. But I loved it!

Thank you for your kind thoughts, Cindy and beekaytee.

"Okay" is a relative term, of course. I will be okay in the sense that I won't be suicidal, and I'll pick up the pieces and make something new of my life.

I will not be okay in the sense that living with Jacqueline is an irreplaceable gift, that we are fully woven together, warp and woof, in a complex tapestry composed entirely of amusements and jokes and riffs and play. That this tapestry will be cut from the loom and the ends tied off and it will no longer be in the making but a finished thing. A beautiful piece but done, no longer in the act of creation.

You start an improv game with a brilliant, cute, hilarious, stylish girl and you do it for twenty years and it'll spoil you for playing with anybody else.

I asked Nilly to do an epic Nillying in honor of Jacqueline. To pull all her quotes from COMM and compile them in one place.

You will all be shocked to hear that my wife is funny and has a knack for turning a phrase.

Here's one that flea saved to COMM in 2004 when JZ and I were newly living together and Emmett was 8:

"I am sneaking a break from playtime with Emmett, which has been going on nearly nonstop ever since he discovered a couple of evenings ago that I can do voices and improv snarky dialogue and bitter fights. (Almost literally nonstop--I get up at 6:30 a.m. to putter around in the kitchen, and suddenly he's at my elbow, wide awake and saying eagerly, "Can we play?")

I'm now trapped in an endless loop of playing quarrelsome identical twins lost somewhere on a limitless field of seething hot magma and sniping at each other, while he listens and smiles and smiles. I love Emmett and it's unbelievably flattering to have him seek me out and want to spend time playing with me and me alone, but I HATE THE MAGMA FIELD."