David, insent.

Following on Cindy's thoughts, David, I'm worried for you like you were worried for me. But 'worried' isn't really it.

Of course, I wish you could just bypass the suffering to come but, as you made clear to me then, it isn't possible, and in many ways, is not preferable.

I won't go into details here about how you did it, but you saved me when I was 100% on my way out. You saved me with a simple phrase that I'll never forget until the moment no thought or wisdom is available to me.

You need a place to put your love.

Yes, there was the concern that my will to die was stronger than my will to live, but you would not even have reached out if you did not have some kind of faith that I had what it took to make a different decision.

In my IRL life, no one doubted that I would be alright because I always am. The same is true for you. Honestly, though, there have been times when that hasn't felt good to me. But that is the reality I've built for myself.

The reality you have built is stuffed to the bursting with love and connection and beauty and style. Your entire life is the place you put your love. Having Jacqueline in your life is proof of that.

That will mean very little for as long as it is displaced with grief. But I have faith that everything that has carried you through to this point will sustain you still.

And when you need a place to put everything in the way of that, I volunteer to be a listening well. Rock solid, where nothing escapes.

Not surprisingly, beekaytee is wise.

Today we can celebrate birthdays! It is meara's birthday! Also, a birthday twin, Jen K! I wish you the happiest of days being spoiled by all around you. May the year to come be joyful.

Thanks Laura! A weekday birthday is always somewhat anticlimactic as an adult. Gotta work. And thanks to Facebook memories, I remembered that my driver's license expires today (oops!) so just got on and renewed it (not sure how long the new one will take to get to me, and I wish I could get a new picture, but oh well)

I wish I could get a new picture, but oh well)

I don't know how old the picture is on my license, but surely over a decade, and my current license is good until 2031! How I could even be recognized is a mystery. You would think at my age they would make me come in for an eye check or something. I'll be 77 when it expires.

Totally random, I saw somewhere that Dick Van Dyke was on Days of Our Lives. I thought this was wild since he is about a zillion years old. So I tuned in and damned if he isn't playing an old guy who lost his memory. Also wild, I haven't watched the show in ages and there are the same people on there! I watched in high school and I think if I tuned in once a year I could keep up with the characters and stories.

OMG, I might have to check it out today. I loved that show in high school.

I can't find a good video/audio of it, but an olde timey comedian did a bit about soap operas where the couple is speaking to each other by emoting using just their names. 'John! Marsha.' 'Joooohhhhn? MARSHA!!!' etc.

Then, he talked about tuning back in after not watching for 10 years and it was 'John! Marsha.' 'Joooohhhhn. MARSHA!!!'

Being a soap fan at the time, that hit a bit too close to home. Same people. Same dialog. Different coma. But I loved it!

Thank you for your kind thoughts, Cindy and beekaytee.

"Okay" is a relative term, of course. I will be okay in the sense that I won't be suicidal, and I'll pick up the pieces and make something new of my life.

I will not be okay in the sense that living with Jacqueline is an irreplaceable gift, that we are fully woven together, warp and woof, in a complex tapestry composed entirely of amusements and jokes and riffs and play. That this tapestry will be cut from the loom and the ends tied off and it will no longer be in the making but a finished thing. A beautiful piece but done, no longer in the act of creation.

You start an improv game with a brilliant, cute, hilarious, stylish girl and you do it for twenty years and it'll spoil you for playing with anybody else.

I asked Nilly to do an epic Nillying in honor of Jacqueline. To pull all her quotes from COMM and compile them in one place.

You will all be shocked to hear that my wife is funny and has a knack for turning a phrase.

Here's one that flea saved to COMM in 2004 when JZ and I were newly living together and Emmett was 8:

"I am sneaking a break from playtime with Emmett, which has been going on nearly nonstop ever since he discovered a couple of evenings ago that I can do voices and improv snarky dialogue and bitter fights. (Almost literally nonstop--I get up at 6:30 a.m. to putter around in the kitchen, and suddenly he's at my elbow, wide awake and saying eagerly, "Can we play?")

I'm now trapped in an endless loop of playing quarrelsome identical twins lost somewhere on a limitless field of seething hot magma and sniping at each other, while he listens and smiles and smiles. I love Emmett and it's unbelievably flattering to have him seek me out and want to spend time playing with me and me alone, but I HATE THE MAGMA FIELD."

Here is amych's toast to us on the announcement of our impending marriage.

• *******

Hec and JZ,

After some thought, I decided to post this here, since you're both such an important part of this community for me, and by g-d, I want all our friends to see my big weepy sentimental wishes to you.

Hec, you've been a dear and wonderful friend to me from the time I first joined this board. I've met very few people in this life who have been as deeply generous as you, or as devoted to each of your friends as if they were your own family. And yet, you've more than met your match in JZ, who is so fiercely and wonderfully passionate that she takes my breath away.

JZ, you're simply amazing. You're beautiful, talented, charming -- and filled with such a soul that within five minutes of meeting you, I knew that all those beautiful and charming externals were nothing compared to what you really were.

The two of you together surpass all that you are individually.

If I were there in person tomorrow, I'd probably get really drunk and insist on saying all this out loud in some kind of ill-conceived attempt at a toast, and then I'd get all weepy in the middle of it and someone would take a really embarrassing video and post it online somewhere. You'll just have to fill in those parts in in your imaginations.

I love you both, and I can't imagine either of you with anyone more perfect for you. The two of you and Emmett have already made a wonderful family, and it'll only get more magical with any future baby buffistas you may make.

With much much love, Me