I wasn't able to make the Zoom call, as I was helping my BFF throw her daughter's wedding. My friend's daughter announced her pregnancy during the speeches; she will be the first grandma in our friend group.
....I thought of JZ A LOT this weekend.
...everything I've tried to write I end up deleting. I've written so many things about JZ over the months and deleted them, because I felt they were too centered on how ANGRY *I* am. Did the same with my dad's passing -- I avoided so much, not from a lack of feeling, but from an excess of it, and trying not to spew that crap on everyone else, and make it all me, me, me.
It's not a thing I'm proud of.
I'm so fucking sorry JZ is leaving this world. I know she didn't want to go. I know it's too soon for her family. I'm so mad she won't be here to clap too loudly at Matilda's graduation, that she won't complain the box she moves into the dorm for her is too heavy, that she won't whip out a lipgloss from her cute mom purse for her before her wedding pictures...
All the won'ts. I'm so BITTER on her behalf. BITTER.
You were fucking ACES, JZ. A goddamn lady-mensch. Everything about you people are saying that you think "Oh, they don't know the real, awful me"?
Your friend was right: that some bullshit. Were you perfect? Fuck, naw. Were you better than 99.9% of the folks I've encountered in my life? You bet your pert, bobbed ass.
Girl, you were fucking amazing and it was a privilege to know you.
I'm sorry you're dying. What a bald statement. How trite. How accurate.
But I will fucking remember you till either I go or my own body fails my memory. The older I get, the more I realize our lives only matter in relation to the impact we had in the people we leave behind when we go...and my dear, you touched so many, and with love, with grace, with a great good humor, and with your elegant eloquence and gentle heart.
I love you, and I will miss your presence in my life. Is it stupid to say that guinea pig memes on my feed make me cry these days because I used to send you random pig memes? Maybe so, but it's true.
Sobbing into my iced tea, so I'll quit while I'm still vaguely coherent.
But I will fucking remember you till either I go or my own body fails my memory. The older I get, the more I realize our lives only matter in relation to the impact we had in the people we leave behind when we go...and my dear, you touched so many, and with love, with grace, with a great good humor, and with your elegant eloquence and gentle heart.
This x A MILLION.
I don’t know if it was About a Boy Or Veronica Mars that convinced me that everyone needs backup.
Humans are not meant to navigate this fucking world alone. We do need backup. And whatever form your backup takes is up to you.
Hey Strix, it is good to see you here. It also gives me an opportunity to wish you a good birthday. I hope you are being spoiled and that you have a year filled with delight.
I wish I had words, but I can't find the right ones. It helps when I envision JZ surrounded by love and the sounds of her dear friends and family. When I had my glass of wine last night I thought about the circle of love, and drink, and smiled.
We finally have ltc’s teacher assignment for this year, and it looks like she’s going to have a good group of kids in her class. School starts a week from today!
Seeing all the back to school pictures on FB is one of my favorite things. I hope ltc and the rest of the kiddos have a lovely year of learning and socializing.
The teacher page said reading for 20 minutes a day will be their homework. So not a problem in this house.
"Do we have to keep it down to 20 minutes?"
But I will fucking remember you till either I go or my own body fails my memory. The older I get, the more I realize our lives only matter in relation to the impact we had in the people we leave behind when we go...and my dear, you touched so many, and with love, with grace, with a great good humor, and with your elegant eloquence and gentle heart.
That's a lovely way of stating it, Strix. I think you speak for us all here.
I know it's very late in getting this out but I kept struggling with the right thing.
I feel this deeply. I bought a card for JZ in Martha's Vineyard the second day I was there, but spent a week and a half trying to figure out what to say. I finally got it in the mail on Saturday (the day I was leaving) because I had some silly notion that it had to be mailed from the island. If not for that, I'd probably still be procrastinating.
Matt, that’s pretty much the problem. We have to set a limit for reading time or ages up all night.
