Since the day I took JZ into the ER, Emily (aka, Emmett's Mom, or EM as I've noted her here) has been running the house for me. She moved in, slept on the couch. Does the cooking, does the dishes, cleans everything, takes Matilda to appointments, does laundry.
She's only taken Wednesdays off to go home and see her partner, Wayne.
We've been talking the whole time, whispered conversations in the kitchen.
At one point I said, "Everybody wants to support me but nobody's exactly worried for me. They know I'll get through it, as hard and painful as it is. In a way, I already know what to expect because we got divorced. I know what it's like to wake up one day and all of your routines and daily interactions and years of in-jokes just disappear and you stagger around and are lonely and slowly build up a new life."
And she said, "Aha! That's the third gift I've given you! The first is that you married Jacqueline because I divorced you. The second is that you got Matilda, and this is the third. You're welcome!"
I'm so glad you have the support of EM...that all of you have EM through all of this. You're family is full of so many loving and amazing people. I know that it probably hasn't been easy to build all of this but it's very beautiful to be able to glimpse your and JZ's relationship with EM. and I'm glad that she's given you these gifts
I just love knowing EMs name! And that it works both as a diminutive and an acronym. And I am so glad you all have built this strong relationship. I am sure it took a lot of work in the early years and even now.
I, uh, legit can't imagine a family blending that evenly.
Mine of origin didn't, and it's looking like I won't have much chance to create one(Unless you count the ones I one hundred percent make up)
I didn't really know how to read that cause divorce gives one so much...training in subtext. Not that she is running your house to zing you, but sometimes even good people don't resist all the time.
I am sure it took a lot of work in the early years and even now.
It really did take a lot of emotional work. But we both did it. Emmett was the immediate beneficiary (and motive for doing the work) but we are all better for it now.
Recently, in all this mess, a person who had hurt Matilda came back into her life and apologized. And it was a good apology. Owned their own behavior. Did not presume everything was fixed.
And Matilda asked me what I thought. How should she reply?
And I said, "It is my experience that whenever you can afford to be emotionally generous, that is usually the right instinct. Sometimes you can't forgive somebody and that's okay too. The important thing is to know your boundaries, but also be willing to forgive. It's a gift to them, and it takes a weight off you."
Caught up for the first time in a few days.
I didn’t think I would have emotional spoons for the Zoom, and I was right. Very glad it happened.
This is how my brain processes grief and loss?
I have read multiple books on grief and loss in the last few years, and the consensus is that shit gets weird and to remember that there is no wrong way. So I pass that on to whomever needs a reminder.
I love the drunken circle of friends keeping company. We read a favorite book to my mom (the first about the Bagthorpe family, whichever that is) and before she got too sick we made a collaborative family playlist. At the very end we just had enough time to each pick a song to play her out with, so to speak. My brother wasn’t there, so we played one he had chosen for the playlist.
And in its own post, welcome Arthur Robert! It doesn’t seem appropriate to use the term “numberslut” with a baby, but he really did choose some good numbers for making his entrance.
It really did take a lot of emotional work.
It does, and it is worth it. It took a long time to build a different relationship with my first husband after the divorce, but then we were there for each other after we were both in new relationships. It ain't easy. It is a good lesson for Matilda to be learning at her age. There isn't any quick fix to relationships that have been seriously broken, but it lessens the weight of the past pain when communication opens.
I have read multiple books on grief and loss in the last few years, and the consensus is that shit gets weird and to remember that there is no wrong way. So I pass that on to whomever needs a reminder.
No rules or norms whatsoever. Except it always sucks. Also, the same goes for the grief of the person dying. All experience it differently, but it is a uniquely personal response, and often beyond comprehension to loved ones.
