I am sure it took a lot of work in the early years and even now.
It really did take a lot of emotional work. But we both did it. Emmett was the immediate beneficiary (and motive for doing the work) but we are all better for it now.
Recently, in all this mess, a person who had hurt Matilda came back into her life and apologized. And it was a good apology. Owned their own behavior. Did not presume everything was fixed.
And Matilda asked me what I thought. How should she reply?
And I said, "It is my experience that whenever you can afford to be emotionally generous, that is usually the right instinct. Sometimes you can't forgive somebody and that's okay too. The important thing is to know your boundaries, but also be willing to forgive. It's a gift to them, and it takes a weight off you."
Caught up for the first time in a few days.
I didn’t think I would have emotional spoons for the Zoom, and I was right. Very glad it happened.
This is how my brain processes grief and loss?
I have read multiple books on grief and loss in the last few years, and the consensus is that shit gets weird and to remember that there is no wrong way. So I pass that on to whomever needs a reminder.
I love the drunken circle of friends keeping company. We read a favorite book to my mom (the first about the Bagthorpe family, whichever that is) and before she got too sick we made a collaborative family playlist. At the very end we just had enough time to each pick a song to play her out with, so to speak. My brother wasn’t there, so we played one he had chosen for the playlist.
And in its own post, welcome Arthur Robert! It doesn’t seem appropriate to use the term “numberslut” with a baby, but he really did choose some good numbers for making his entrance.
It really did take a lot of emotional work.
It does, and it is worth it. It took a long time to build a different relationship with my first husband after the divorce, but then we were there for each other after we were both in new relationships. It ain't easy. It is a good lesson for Matilda to be learning at her age. There isn't any quick fix to relationships that have been seriously broken, but it lessens the weight of the past pain when communication opens.
I have read multiple books on grief and loss in the last few years, and the consensus is that shit gets weird and to remember that there is no wrong way. So I pass that on to whomever needs a reminder.
No rules or norms whatsoever. Except it always sucks. Also, the same goes for the grief of the person dying. All experience it differently, but it is a uniquely personal response, and often beyond comprehension to loved ones.
I wasn't able to make the Zoom call, as I was helping my BFF throw her daughter's wedding. My friend's daughter announced her pregnancy during the speeches; she will be the first grandma in our friend group.
....I thought of JZ A LOT this weekend.
...everything I've tried to write I end up deleting. I've written so many things about JZ over the months and deleted them, because I felt they were too centered on how ANGRY *I* am. Did the same with my dad's passing -- I avoided so much, not from a lack of feeling, but from an excess of it, and trying not to spew that crap on everyone else, and make it all me, me, me.
It's not a thing I'm proud of.
I'm so fucking sorry JZ is leaving this world. I know she didn't want to go. I know it's too soon for her family. I'm so mad she won't be here to clap too loudly at Matilda's graduation, that she won't complain the box she moves into the dorm for her is too heavy, that she won't whip out a lipgloss from her cute mom purse for her before her wedding pictures...
All the won'ts. I'm so BITTER on her behalf. BITTER.
You were fucking ACES, JZ. A goddamn lady-mensch. Everything about you people are saying that you think "Oh, they don't know the real, awful me"?
Your friend was right: that some bullshit. Were you perfect? Fuck, naw. Were you better than 99.9% of the folks I've encountered in my life? You bet your pert, bobbed ass.
Girl, you were fucking amazing and it was a privilege to know you.
I'm sorry you're dying. What a bald statement. How trite. How accurate.
But I will fucking remember you till either I go or my own body fails my memory. The older I get, the more I realize our lives only matter in relation to the impact we had in the people we leave behind when we go...and my dear, you touched so many, and with love, with grace, with a great good humor, and with your elegant eloquence and gentle heart.
I love you, and I will miss your presence in my life. Is it stupid to say that guinea pig memes on my feed make me cry these days because I used to send you random pig memes? Maybe so, but it's true.
Sobbing into my iced tea, so I'll quit while I'm still vaguely coherent.
But I will fucking remember you till either I go or my own body fails my memory. The older I get, the more I realize our lives only matter in relation to the impact we had in the people we leave behind when we go...and my dear, you touched so many, and with love, with grace, with a great good humor, and with your elegant eloquence and gentle heart.
This x A MILLION.
I don’t know if it was About a Boy Or Veronica Mars that convinced me that everyone needs backup.
Humans are not meant to navigate this fucking world alone. We do need backup. And whatever form your backup takes is up to you.
Hey Strix, it is good to see you here. It also gives me an opportunity to wish you a good birthday. I hope you are being spoiled and that you have a year filled with delight.
I wish I had words, but I can't find the right ones. It helps when I envision JZ surrounded by love and the sounds of her dear friends and family. When I had my glass of wine last night I thought about the circle of love, and drink, and smiled.
We finally have ltc’s teacher assignment for this year, and it looks like she’s going to have a good group of kids in her class. School starts a week from today!
Seeing all the back to school pictures on FB is one of my favorite things. I hope ltc and the rest of the kiddos have a lovely year of learning and socializing.
