What a huge amount of personal history to absorb and re-process, askye. And, ugh, I'm so glad that all that happened today was venting. ITA that there's some privilege there in just feeling free to go off like that without worrying about the other person escalating.

I have been adulting (confirming mortgage stuff) for the last 20 minutes and it's left me shaky and nauseated and there's more and worse adulting to come on an entirely other front and I'm dreading it. One person I like and admire seems to have very consciously decided to blow up a bridge with another like-and-admire with a bunch of ... stuff in the middle of the bridge, which needs salvaging before it all burns down, and it looks like it'll be on me to do it but my conflict-avoidant self has never felt less able or more inept or more paralyzed.

Plus tomorrow there's a drive through a bunch of totally bullshit late-April snow over the Donner Pass (of Donner Party fame, the place where the magic happened) to spend the weekend in Reno celebrating my mom's 80th birthday with my brothers and their families and my mom's pissed-off younger sister, who wanted to be in charge of the party but my mom didn't want a part at all, just dinner with immediate family, but that is not what her kid sister wanted AT ALL. Also, the Vrbo we rented for the weekend had a plumbing catastrophe and now we're all scattered around downtown. And I hate social stuff anyway, and my brothers have weird expectations about social stuff that is ramping up my anxiety and nothing's wrapped or packed or ready at all.

But at least the mutual like-and-admire from the blown-up bridge knows that this weekend is fubar for me and is fine with deferring the rescue and rehab mission until after I get back, but I'm just sort of sickly stewing over all of it. I hate, hate, hate people I love being angry at each other, and I really am absolute shit at fixing things like this; generally, I find the exact worst thing to say and then spend hours over-saying it until everyone wants to suffocate me.

{{{JZ}}} I'm so sorry this storm is complicating your plans! I was so happy to hear there was snow in the mountains but I don't have to drive anywhere in it. I hope you can relax and enjoy spending time with your mom and the bridge explosions don't weigh you down too much when you get to them but that you can avoid thinking about it for a while entirely.

Wow, that is pretty wild, askye, to have all that documentation fall into your lap. I am imagining how I might react and it would be complicated. Glad you got your bear!

I was supposed to get a haircut and some blue streaks today, but sadly I only came away with the haircut. But it is cute.

Bummer about the blue, a cute haircut is not half bad!

Today was at least 3 days long. How is it not the weekend yet?

JZ that is a lot to handle.

And why is that people want to dictate to others how they should celebrate their birthday?

I also realized that if I'd seen this even a few years ago it would have sent in a spiral. Actually this whole worker's comp stuff would have sent me into a spiral with tons of anxiety so lots of progress there which I'm trying to focus on.

That’s some good progress askye! You have been bearing up under a lot of stressors, for sure

JZ, I am up in the middle of the night adulting myself and I had an impulse to say a bunch of supportive stuff, but realized that none of it would likely be helpful so...Imagine me gazing at you with the most loving and uplifting heart-eyes possible for a human to manage. Like, galactic puppy eyes.

You are a stellar human and your caring is legendary.

One of the reasons I am up in the middle of the night is that the ozone machine is running, as I type this. 24 hours on and then 4 hours to settle before I can air the place out. Very serious business.

And, a last ditch.

Breaking the lease and moving would cost upwards of 12K. And, that is after the property manager, who has actually been really sweet and supportive through all this, cut me a deal to lower the buyout by about 50%.

It feels like this situation is the Universe aggressively challenging me to change my way of being. Which I'm actually welcoming.

This story of never being safe in my home has run its course. Humbling myself to give up a fighting stance has been easier than I expected. I find myself channeling Bill Murray in Caddyshack...'So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice.'

I'm infinitely grateful that I have the resources to keep Cagney safe and comfortable though all this. I think he'd be content to live in this hotel forever! BTW, if you are ever in Tysons Corner VA and seek a super clean, comfortable mid-range accommodation with really sweet people, I can recommend the Hilton Garden Inn. It's in the middle of an industrial park, but I was able to walk to a local pizzeria, and it's near a lot of shopping.

There are so many more things to be grateful for than to be upset about. Sure, it hasn't felt like that all along, but in the main, I am fine.

Now, all I need is for the treatment to work.

I am DYING over this Cameo my sister bought for our new niece

Adorbs!

but I'm just sort of sickly stewing over all of it. I hate, hate, hate people I love being angry at each other

It is a whole lot of a lot. Telling the people you love how much you hate them being angry at each other and making it about you may be a good way to divert their attention toward solutions. I hope the family visit goes better than anticipated.

That is a lot to process, askye, but I agree that you are getting this a good time in your life to understand and benefit from the information. You certainly have come a long way with handling stressors.

beekaytee, I am sending the clean~air~ma in abundance. Good to know about the Tyson's Corner destination. That is on the route I take twice a year and pet friendly accommodations are always helpful.

The boat we made an offer on didn't pan out. We are out the money for the inspections, but felt we needed to take the expert advice and take a pass. The inspectors and the broker all assure us that a better solution will be forthcoming. I'm okay with it since my current situation is quite lovely staying with our friend, but my pets and possessions are scattered and inaccessible for the most part. Cats are with MIL and happy with her, but hide when DH or I stop by. We theorize that the recent 3x I have shoved them into carriers and moved them has made them leery of being in arms reach of us. They'll get over it after I shove them in carriers again and take them to live with us.

Telling the people you love how much you hate them being angry at each other and making it about you may be a good way to divert their attention toward solutions.

In this case, at least, one of the people is already there and embarrassed that I'm in the middle, and the other person would take anything like that like a Molotov cocktail, so it's up to all the thoughtful diplomacy I don't have.

I hope the family visit goes better than anticipated.

It'll probably go fine; it's just gonna be stressful getting up there! My mom is already fully on board with the "My birthday, my choices" POV and has decided to just be unbothered by her sister. She wants the kind of event she wants (decidedly NOT the multi-city celebration caravan this woman who really should know her better after knowing her for a literal lifetime wanted) and that's that. And I guess maybe it's lucky that I've got such epically blown-up bridges and flaming Molotov cocktails elsewhere that I won't have the brainspace to flail pointlessly at peacemaking between them; I'll be too busy to do anything but let their relationship and my aunt's hurt feelings slide and work themselves out or not.

beekaytee, fingers crossed that the professional ozone treatment does its job. I'm so glad you and Cagney have a safe space to wait it out, and I'm vibing for a whole lot of zero-stress time ahead because you've more than earned it.