That is cool!

Ok soo I was trying to write a post, went to go get something I wanted to reference and came back and I was confused because the post was gone and there was lots of posts about TP shortage...I had ended up in the previous thread...I dunno.

Visited Mom she didn't bring back a lot of stuff, she wasn't feeling great when she was getting ready to leave so she just brought some stuff. Including my beloved Big Red , my teddy bear, I thought I had lost about 25ish years ago but somehow was in mom's attic? I dunno but he is home.

And she had these school papers of mine and results of testing from when I was 9 and about 14. There's lots of phrases in there about difficulty paying attention in school and problems with breaking down tasks etc and how this could be an long term issue if not addressed. Which it really wasn't. There's more stuff like that, from what the paperwork says I didn't score in the range of having a learning disability but Mom says that someone later looked at the reports and said the psychologist who did the testing scored some things wrong and I did fall in the range of having one. I mean the report says even if I didn't have one I'd still need help with things etc.

But on the last page is this: Her long history of medical involvement very likely has contributed to a sense of herself as being "broken" or in some way not complete and whole and perfect. Add this to her problems in academic achievement and it would be easy to see who she would feel very incompetent and inferior regardless of what her real talents and ablilities were." And then it goes on to some recommendations esp that I need help learning how to master my stressors and in general recommending therapy.

I did start therapy and I don't remember much about it now but I don't really remember a lot being taught to me about how to handle stressors. Not like I have been taught now, but this was also from 1982 so you know, the world is different.

I've started seeing my therapist again and I am definitely going to go over a lot of this with him. At this point it's a lot of -- it's right there in black and white what was going on but they missed.

Oh Wait! And in the assessment when I was 14 there is a recommendation to start Cylert which is for ADHD but no where is there the words Attention Deficit used and there isn't any recommendations for further assessment or anything like that. I don't even remember taking this and I bet if I asked Mom she wouldn't remember either . This was from a children's clinic and I don't know if maybe my regular dr talked Mom out of it or maybe my therapist at the time or what. But man, my whole life there is stuff written down that is pointing out to a lot of my issues with sort of an attempt to help but not really.

And the house in the middle of the 3 .. Im' not sure what to call them. They aren't townhouses because they are deatched but they are all built on the same lot and have shared driveways...the middle one is for sale.

They are asking $475,000. It was built in 2017 and originally sold for $325,000. Everything on our side down is older, hasn't been updated and down the street is the entrance to some affordable housing. There are a lot of new homes and apartments being built and I was looking on realtor website and it looks like of the new construction or houses that are 3 years old (which is most of what is for sale) there are some just under $300,000 but the fast majority are $450,000 or more. There are almost no homes for rent here- but lots of homes that are AirBnbs. I hate STRs

What a huge amount of personal history to absorb and re-process, askye. And, ugh, I'm so glad that all that happened today was venting. ITA that there's some privilege there in just feeling free to go off like that without worrying about the other person escalating.

I have been adulting (confirming mortgage stuff) for the last 20 minutes and it's left me shaky and nauseated and there's more and worse adulting to come on an entirely other front and I'm dreading it. One person I like and admire seems to have very consciously decided to blow up a bridge with another like-and-admire with a bunch of ... stuff in the middle of the bridge, which needs salvaging before it all burns down, and it looks like it'll be on me to do it but my conflict-avoidant self has never felt less able or more inept or more paralyzed.

Plus tomorrow there's a drive through a bunch of totally bullshit late-April snow over the Donner Pass (of Donner Party fame, the place where the magic happened) to spend the weekend in Reno celebrating my mom's 80th birthday with my brothers and their families and my mom's pissed-off younger sister, who wanted to be in charge of the party but my mom didn't want a part at all, just dinner with immediate family, but that is not what her kid sister wanted AT ALL. Also, the Vrbo we rented for the weekend had a plumbing catastrophe and now we're all scattered around downtown. And I hate social stuff anyway, and my brothers have weird expectations about social stuff that is ramping up my anxiety and nothing's wrapped or packed or ready at all.

But at least the mutual like-and-admire from the blown-up bridge knows that this weekend is fubar for me and is fine with deferring the rescue and rehab mission until after I get back, but I'm just sort of sickly stewing over all of it. I hate, hate, hate people I love being angry at each other, and I really am absolute shit at fixing things like this; generally, I find the exact worst thing to say and then spend hours over-saying it until everyone wants to suffocate me.

{{{JZ}}} I'm so sorry this storm is complicating your plans! I was so happy to hear there was snow in the mountains but I don't have to drive anywhere in it. I hope you can relax and enjoy spending time with your mom and the bridge explosions don't weigh you down too much when you get to them but that you can avoid thinking about it for a while entirely.

Wow, that is pretty wild, askye, to have all that documentation fall into your lap. I am imagining how I might react and it would be complicated. Glad you got your bear!

I was supposed to get a haircut and some blue streaks today, but sadly I only came away with the haircut. But it is cute.

Bummer about the blue, a cute haircut is not half bad!

Today was at least 3 days long. How is it not the weekend yet?

JZ that is a lot to handle.

And why is that people want to dictate to others how they should celebrate their birthday?

I also realized that if I'd seen this even a few years ago it would have sent in a spiral. Actually this whole worker's comp stuff would have sent me into a spiral with tons of anxiety so lots of progress there which I'm trying to focus on.

That’s some good progress askye! You have been bearing up under a lot of stressors, for sure

JZ, I am up in the middle of the night adulting myself and I had an impulse to say a bunch of supportive stuff, but realized that none of it would likely be helpful so...Imagine me gazing at you with the most loving and uplifting heart-eyes possible for a human to manage. Like, galactic puppy eyes.

You are a stellar human and your caring is legendary.

One of the reasons I am up in the middle of the night is that the ozone machine is running, as I type this. 24 hours on and then 4 hours to settle before I can air the place out. Very serious business.

And, a last ditch.

Breaking the lease and moving would cost upwards of 12K. And, that is after the property manager, who has actually been really sweet and supportive through all this, cut me a deal to lower the buyout by about 50%.

It feels like this situation is the Universe aggressively challenging me to change my way of being. Which I'm actually welcoming.

This story of never being safe in my home has run its course. Humbling myself to give up a fighting stance has been easier than I expected. I find myself channeling Bill Murray in Caddyshack...'So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice.'

I'm infinitely grateful that I have the resources to keep Cagney safe and comfortable though all this. I think he'd be content to live in this hotel forever! BTW, if you are ever in Tysons Corner VA and seek a super clean, comfortable mid-range accommodation with really sweet people, I can recommend the Hilton Garden Inn. It's in the middle of an industrial park, but I was able to walk to a local pizzeria, and it's near a lot of shopping.

There are so many more things to be grateful for than to be upset about. Sure, it hasn't felt like that all along, but in the main, I am fine.

Now, all I need is for the treatment to work.