For me, it couldn't be. I was never going to be the person that the SO wanted and needed me to be, and it was unfair to him for me to keep breaking myself to try to be. He is absolutely a wonderful person and I am totally grateful I had him. But I could not continue to be false to myself any longer. I tried. I really did. But in the end, something had to break, and it had to be the marriage rather than me.

Thanks for sharing this, Liese. It really hit a chord for me.

This is what happened in my marriage. I was deeply, deeply unhappy and pretending not to be, and I tried for years to be someone I wasn't before I couldn't anymore. I didn't handle it well. I didn't handle it the way I would as the person I am now, but part of what made me the person I am now were all my choices — good and bad — and everything that happened over the course of that dreadful, painful year. I was so depressed that I couldn't eat — I weighed 105 lbs when I left Connecticut — and I had to lean heavily on anti-depressants, therapy and loved ones during my recovery. I know he struggled tremendously too. But all we flawed humans can do is live one day at a time and keep moving forward.

My ex and I made peace years ago — he has a good life that is much different than the life he would have had with me (I would have made him as miserable as I was had we stayed together longer) — and I am where I am supposed to be.

So yeah, I guess I'm saying that sometimes you have to hurt someone — and yourself — to move forward and find happiness. And sometimes you can salvage a way forward with that person when you don't think you can. I would never dream of telling you which is the right path forward, mia sorella Maria, but know that I understand and have tremendous empathy. We don't always handle things well or make the best choices, but we do always need to find a way to forgive ourselves and others whatever we choose. No matter what, this wonderful community will support you.

Edited because I saw "Liese" and read "Laura" for that pull quote initially.

Beautifully said, Pix.

Pix, that was Liese, not Laura.

If Rob would have lived, I would probably be saying the exact same thing.

Thank you, sorella.

I truly appreciate everyone's experiences. It helps so much.

Sorry, Liese. I totally misread the two 5-letter L names! I will edit.

We don't always handle things well or make the best choices, but we do always need to find a way to forgive ourselves and others whatever we choose. No matter what, this wonderful community will support you.

Worth repeating.

Yeah, I remember, Pix, when I talked to you about this, a good solid while ago now, that you were instantly like, I get that. I get you. And I really needed that because honestly, it hasn't been available from most people. You just keep trying to have this conversation, and they're looking at you like they're waiting to understand, but you keep talking and they never do, there's nothing you could say that would make it ok to divorce, for that to be the reasonable, good option, because of course, it's not a good option! They're not wrong in wanting a reason. But they're never going to be satisfied because there's no part of my conversation where I could give them a good enough reason. Some have been supportive anyway, but some, definitely not. So it meant a lot when I looked in your eyes and knew you understood.

It sucks for the SO, because I really did advertise myself as the sort of person he needed. But at sixteen and stifled by the church, I wasn't anywhere close to self aware enough to realize I wasn't. My therapist once told me, I've never met anyone with a stronger need for freedom than you. And I think that's true, I'd have been straining at the bit with anyone. It wasn't any failing of the SO. It just sucks.

Thanks, Plei, I appreciate that. I think it was, and is, the right thing. I did this, so I needed to smooth the path for him, in a lot of different ways. But yeah, wish it wasn't so.

Yeah, me neither, Maria. Couldn't sleep last night, all up in my head.

But we can, and we will move forward,

I love all of you SO MUCH.

But at sixteen and stifled by the church, I wasn't anywhere close to self aware enough to realize I wasn't.

Oh yeah. I was 17 and Bob was 27. I left him when I turned 30. I wasn't remotely the same person I was as a teenager. Divorce does suck, and it is tragic, but it is also necessary.

Love all of you. So grateful you are my family.

I love the wisdom and kindness in this conversation.

I think not divorcing can be just as tragic. I know people, older ones, generally, who stayed married despite being bad matches and they never got to be truly happy. Sometimes, they made their kids just as miserable because the environment was toxic (I have seen this with family members over the years, and god knows my maternal grandparents would have been better off in a time where scratching that itch and moving on would have been better for all parties). Gwyneth Paltrow may be annoying but bringing Conscious Uncoupling into the lexicon was a gift to the world, kids or no kids.

Younger couples tend to know when to break apart these days, generally. Or more of them do. I am glad for that. (I am so lucky I didn't marry any previous partners. I would have tried to stubborn it out and been miserable.)