I wish I'd done SCA. I think I'd have been fierce in battle.

There's a whole different feel to it when you get on the battlefield.

I've made my peace with that but it can still make me sad at times.

On the whole, I have been fucking lucky. We always said it was a good thing we married each other, because it saved us ruining the lives of two other perfectly nice people who didn't deserve what would happen to them.

I've been reading along and sending supportive vibes in my lurky way (~love you guys~). But I wanted make sure to come in here and mention that I received a remarkably timely Valentine's Day card yesterday. Thank you msbelle, you gave me a smile when I really needed one!

I'm beginning to realize how much anger I've held on to and squashed down . Anger not directed at anyone just circumstances and it feels ...wrong to express it because it feels like that just means I'm stuck. But I can't get unstuck until I deal with it. I have to keepnremimding myself that if I deal with it there will be room for other things inside.

For me, it couldn't be. I was never going to be the person that the SO wanted and needed me to be, and it was unfair to him for me to keep breaking myself to try to be. He is absolutely a wonderful person and I am totally grateful I had him. But I could not continue to be false to myself any longer. I tried. I really did. But in the end, something had to break, and it had to be the marriage rather than me.

Thanks for sharing this, Liese. It really hit a chord for me.

This is what happened in my marriage. I was deeply, deeply unhappy and pretending not to be, and I tried for years to be someone I wasn't before I couldn't anymore. I didn't handle it well. I didn't handle it the way I would as the person I am now, but part of what made me the person I am now were all my choices — good and bad — and everything that happened over the course of that dreadful, painful year. I was so depressed that I couldn't eat — I weighed 105 lbs when I left Connecticut — and I had to lean heavily on anti-depressants, therapy and loved ones during my recovery. I know he struggled tremendously too. But all we flawed humans can do is live one day at a time and keep moving forward.

My ex and I made peace years ago — he has a good life that is much different than the life he would have had with me (I would have made him as miserable as I was had we stayed together longer) — and I am where I am supposed to be.

So yeah, I guess I'm saying that sometimes you have to hurt someone — and yourself — to move forward and find happiness. And sometimes you can salvage a way forward with that person when you don't think you can. I would never dream of telling you which is the right path forward, mia sorella Maria, but know that I understand and have tremendous empathy. We don't always handle things well or make the best choices, but we do always need to find a way to forgive ourselves and others whatever we choose. No matter what, this wonderful community will support you.

Edited because I saw "Liese" and read "Laura" for that pull quote initially.

Beautifully said, Pix.

Pix, that was Liese, not Laura.

If Rob would have lived, I would probably be saying the exact same thing.

Thank you, sorella.

I truly appreciate everyone's experiences. It helps so much.

Sorry, Liese. I totally misread the two 5-letter L names! I will edit.

We don't always handle things well or make the best choices, but we do always need to find a way to forgive ourselves and others whatever we choose. No matter what, this wonderful community will support you.

Worth repeating.

Yeah, I remember, Pix, when I talked to you about this, a good solid while ago now, that you were instantly like, I get that. I get you. And I really needed that because honestly, it hasn't been available from most people. You just keep trying to have this conversation, and they're looking at you like they're waiting to understand, but you keep talking and they never do, there's nothing you could say that would make it ok to divorce, for that to be the reasonable, good option, because of course, it's not a good option! They're not wrong in wanting a reason. But they're never going to be satisfied because there's no part of my conversation where I could give them a good enough reason. Some have been supportive anyway, but some, definitely not. So it meant a lot when I looked in your eyes and knew you understood.

It sucks for the SO, because I really did advertise myself as the sort of person he needed. But at sixteen and stifled by the church, I wasn't anywhere close to self aware enough to realize I wasn't. My therapist once told me, I've never met anyone with a stronger need for freedom than you. And I think that's true, I'd have been straining at the bit with anyone. It wasn't any failing of the SO. It just sucks.

Thanks, Plei, I appreciate that. I think it was, and is, the right thing. I did this, so I needed to smooth the path for him, in a lot of different ways. But yeah, wish it wasn't so.

Yeah, me neither, Maria. Couldn't sleep last night, all up in my head.

But we can, and we will move forward,

I love all of you SO MUCH.