I seriously contemplated divorcing Hubby a couple of times. I was the breadwinner, I could easily support myself. But I consciously chose to accept the bad things in order to keep the good things. Then his health collapsed, and I was not going to be one of those people who abandons a spouse when they get sick (though it was suggested to me a couple of times). It's on the same moral plane as abandoning a pet by the side of the road. Life without him seemed to be exponentially worse than putting up with his bad moods and anger issues along with the way I could still legitimately laugh at weird jokes he'd been telling for 30 years.
Though I've never been quite sure if it wasn't laziness and an intolerance for change that kept me there.
Being in the midst of a complicated relationship when your partner becomes sick or dies is just a whole big mess on top of messy emotions. My sister's husband was killed in a car accident when they were in the middle of a really bad patch. It left her with horrible unresolved emotions. DH#1 was severely depressed before/during/after our divorce and it complicated things and is the reason for my unresolved guilt. It is one of the reasons it is so hard to let go, and yet the most important reason to have to let go. It can't be resolved.
So much wisdom in this thread. Liese and Maria, and anyone else who needs it, please reach out in private if you need to vent in more detail.
Being at the beginning of what may or may not become a relationship, this is all really good for me to read right now.
WRT anger at parents, I have been furious and bitter. Now I'm mostly frustrated that they won't work on their own issues or at least realize the negative effects their dysfunctions have on my sister.
Y'all I am so overwhelmed I think I'm about to snap. Here's a partial list of what I have going on: project that I estimated would take two weeks is now at almost three months, and not done yet; i have to tell the client today that I won't be done before the hearing where they may get fined and argue for my presence at that hearing.
I now leave a key in my car ignition for fear I won't be able to get it back in and use another key to unlock the car - I have no idea when I'll find time to buy a car. The inspection is also expired, it needs an oil change, and the list of things wrong is growing and growing.
My business plan is due 7/12 and I'm only about 1/10 done. All the hard stuff (money and numbers) is left to do.
The Boy is... not a good communicator. He's kind of Oz-like, and kind of Jordan Catalano-like, and he may just be in it for the sex (which is pretty great) and I don't know, maybe I'm okay with that for a while. But it's another energy-suck, because I'm not good at patience.
I can't get into my bank website - I keep trying to reset my password and then the site crashes or something. So my budget software is not reconciled and I'm spending money kind of haphazardly.
Pain and anxiety are at medium-high levels today, and those things combined with all the above have brought me to a standstill. I should have been at the shop a couple of hours ago, and I still haven't touched the things I need to do before I go to the shop (unpleasant phone call to client and finish presentation for hearing). I feel like I don't have time to properly delve into things and so I'm avoiding them, which does nothing for the long term.
Having another bout of "why am I doing this, I can't do this, I don't want to do this" about my business.
Okay. Now to try and schedule the rest of my day. BLERGH.
She looked at me and said, "Oh honey, no. You take advice from a stuffed rabbit. You're crazy. It's just that he's never given you bad advice, and he won't". Which is why she was my therapist.
This is beautiful.
As is this:
My general advice on sizing up a potential companion for this life is how they make you feel about yourself. I could say a lot more, but the other person has to make you feel treasured.
The only thing I'd add, is that it is key to choose to feel treasured. Not knowing what it feels like to be satisfied can really get in the way of appreciating what you get. I'm not talking about lowering standards or compromising, but about having an end result in mind so that you know when you've achieved it!
I was not going to be one of those people who abandons a spouse when they get sick
This was the stance I had to take with my father at the end of his life. And I said these exact words, "I would not leave a dog in the street." But, and thankfully, I realized that the heroic measures I took were for me. It helped to not be as resentful and I really wanted to be.
Okay. Now to try and schedule the rest of my day. BLERGH.
Agghhh. I'm in a similar state, for different reasons.
Strength and patience, my sister! I wish you good choices.
Since I'm stuck on my couch rather than protesting, I really ought to grade stuff. (One of my students is complaining that the entire reason he didn't do as well as he'd wanted to on the last exam was because I hadn't graded his old homeworks yet. Homework each week is about ten problems that aren't turned in, which I give full solutions for, and two problems that are turned in. He's complaining about not having grades for those two problems, and that this is the sole reason why he didn't do well enough on the exam. He was also pestering me a lot before the exam, because he was leaving the country and wanted to take the exam early, and simply would not accept that I would not have the exam written a week before the regular exam date.)
Having another bout of "why am I doing this, I can't do this, I don't want to do this" about my business.
So much going on, and I'm not discounting anything else, just that I can speak so directly to this. That's part of having a business, there are incredible highs, and some pretty rough lows. I do honestly believe that you can do this. It's going to be hard at times, but I predict that in the long run there are going to be some pretty amazing highs.
The only thing I'd add, is that it is key to choose to feel treasured
One thing that made feel that everything with Hubby was worth it was when I overheard him saying to someone else, "My wife is the smartest person I know." I was never sure if he had any respect for me, so that meant a lot.
Edit: And, of course, it didn't hurt that I was the one he called to for backup on an SCA battlefield. Not every woman may get a thrill from being counted on to cover someone's back in battle, but there were a lot of reasons we fit together.
