The anger thing is weird for me. I think I'm on the other side from y'all on this one. I always WAS a total rageball. And it wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized what this was doing to people in my life, particularly the SO.

So part of my learning to give fewer fucks was also learning to let the anger go. Which I largely did, probably thanks at least in part to the fluoxetine, but mostly the therapy. HOWEVER, I then landed on the other side of things, where there was stuff that I legitimately could have and probably should have gotten angry about, that I then felt I had to let go. Like I couldn't be angry at anything at all anymore. And I missed it. I missed being angry. My anger was very satisfying, and it was a huge massive part of my identity. With it missing I felt...apathetic.

I definitely feel you on the anger at self bit, Amy. I think this is the bit where I am right now. Since I initiated the divorce, I worked incredibly hard to make sure I was representing the SO in a positive light in my language. Which I did, successfully, so that he preserved relationships with my friends and family, and so that he has transitioned as smoothly as possible. Not without pain, I understand, but he is much healthier than I would have guessed at this point. But I did that all at a cost, and the cost was to me. If I held him largely blameless, then all that free-floating blame had to land somewhere and my own damn self was a nice big squishy target. Of course I'm culpable. In some major, obvious ways. But I'm also victimized, and I have to recognize that in order to process the grief of the loss. The fact that I initiated the divorce doesn't mean that I initiated the conflict solely. It just means I made the call to see it and state it.

<tldr>I used to be angrier. It's weird now. I tried to take the lion's share of the blame. That's not working.</tldr>

HOWEVER, you're only human. You are flawed. As unproductive as it is, you're going to have a certain amount of ill will toward your fellow man. So like anything else for you, do it in moderation. You get to hate two people, Despise away. It's not going to devour you if it's only two lousy people in this great big world - there are so many other relationships in your life, this is a drop in the bucket. If you only hate one, that's great - you have a spare. If you come across a third you're going to have to make a choice and find some peace with one of the others or let the new one slide because you only get two.

This looks like incredibly useful advice. Half a lifetime ago I learned that a couple of "friends" had been lying to me for years, big lies, ones that sent me down life-changing paths. And I thought I was pretty much over it, because half a lifetime ago is a decent chunk of years when you're pushing 50. Then I was reading a theater review and discovered that one of them was the director. And the review absolutely eviscerated the production, laying most of the blame on crap direction. I'm not proud of it, but I was so happy. And I realized that I still wasn't over it. But I can't think of anyone currently in my life (personally, not, say, political figures) where I can imagine feeling such joy over their failures. And I figure that if these two people fill that role, we're at a place where none of us have any practical influence on the others, so it doesn't hurt them. And they're no longer in a position to hurt me. Except for occasional, unexpected internet discoveries, they're completely gone from my life. So they're my designated "anger" points, and while I can still get ticked off at people currently in my life, I find it pretty easy to either let it go or let them go.

There are things that I need to clarify for myself, including how much the age difference plays into it. I thought it didn't, but there are times when it's glaringly apparent.

Age is tricky, but becomes less so with time. #1 was 9 years older than me. #2 was within a couple months of my age. #3 is 11 years younger. In the beginning it was a bigger deal. My boyfriends were in Vietnam, his dad was there. Now with me being 63 and him 52 it is a difference in aging. Bottom line, it isn't that important.

On relationships, it's complicated, yo! It was really hard to divorce Bob. I still carry a lot of guilt over the whole thing. Not regret, but guilt. I'm grateful we remained friends and it was clearly in both of our best interests in the long run, but breaking up is a horrible experience.

Looking back on my 44 years of combined marriages the 3 fellas only had one thing in common. How they viewed me and how they treated me. I've always felt completely supported, adored, and respected. It amazes me every day that I have been so lucky and remain clueless as to what I did to deserve such adoration. My general advice on sizing up a potential companion for this life is how they make you feel about yourself. I could say a lot more, but the other person has to make you feel treasured.

The anger thing is also complicated. I've thought a lot through this discussion of the life experiences that brought the most anger, ftr not fun. In the end, the anger hurt me more than the event causing the anger and I had to let it go. DH still from time to time asks me why I am not upset when upsetting things happen. My answer is always the same. It makes me feel worse to get upset, not better. I just have to do what I can to resolve the issue, and if I can't I have to let it go. Getting angry does nothing for me.

I'm not proud of it, but I was so happy.

Ha! Totally understandable and satisfying to cheer your enemy's defeat. I don't believe there is anyone in my personal or professional life that I actively hate right now, but there are a few that I don't mind seeing suffer defeats.

Well, I guess I'm not going to the protest today. Woke up with a ton of pain in my right foot, so I won't be able to handle the drive to Columbus.

I'm sorry, Hil. Have you had any success finding a health care provider with a reasonable plan for pain management?

I seriously contemplated divorcing Hubby a couple of times. I was the breadwinner, I could easily support myself. But I consciously chose to accept the bad things in order to keep the good things. Then his health collapsed, and I was not going to be one of those people who abandons a spouse when they get sick (though it was suggested to me a couple of times). It's on the same moral plane as abandoning a pet by the side of the road. Life without him seemed to be exponentially worse than putting up with his bad moods and anger issues along with the way I could still legitimately laugh at weird jokes he'd been telling for 30 years.

Though I've never been quite sure if it wasn't laziness and an intolerance for change that kept me there.

Being in the midst of a complicated relationship when your partner becomes sick or dies is just a whole big mess on top of messy emotions. My sister's husband was killed in a car accident when they were in the middle of a really bad patch. It left her with horrible unresolved emotions. DH#1 was severely depressed before/during/after our divorce and it complicated things and is the reason for my unresolved guilt. It is one of the reasons it is so hard to let go, and yet the most important reason to have to let go. It can't be resolved.

So much wisdom in this thread. Liese and Maria, and anyone else who needs it, please reach out in private if you need to vent in more detail.

Being at the beginning of what may or may not become a relationship, this is all really good for me to read right now.

WRT anger at parents, I have been furious and bitter. Now I'm mostly frustrated that they won't work on their own issues or at least realize the negative effects their dysfunctions have on my sister.

Y'all I am so overwhelmed I think I'm about to snap. Here's a partial list of what I have going on: project that I estimated would take two weeks is now at almost three months, and not done yet; i have to tell the client today that I won't be done before the hearing where they may get fined and argue for my presence at that hearing.

I now leave a key in my car ignition for fear I won't be able to get it back in and use another key to unlock the car - I have no idea when I'll find time to buy a car. The inspection is also expired, it needs an oil change, and the list of things wrong is growing and growing.

My business plan is due 7/12 and I'm only about 1/10 done. All the hard stuff (money and numbers) is left to do.

The Boy is... not a good communicator. He's kind of Oz-like, and kind of Jordan Catalano-like, and he may just be in it for the sex (which is pretty great) and I don't know, maybe I'm okay with that for a while. But it's another energy-suck, because I'm not good at patience.

I can't get into my bank website - I keep trying to reset my password and then the site crashes or something. So my budget software is not reconciled and I'm spending money kind of haphazardly.

Pain and anxiety are at medium-high levels today, and those things combined with all the above have brought me to a standstill. I should have been at the shop a couple of hours ago, and I still haven't touched the things I need to do before I go to the shop (unpleasant phone call to client and finish presentation for hearing). I feel like I don't have time to properly delve into things and so I'm avoiding them, which does nothing for the long term.

Having another bout of "why am I doing this, I can't do this, I don't want to do this" about my business.

Okay. Now to try and schedule the rest of my day. BLERGH.