Zen, and Glam, I totally get how hard it can be to find the right person to be with you as you work through stuff.

I think the initiation part of it is hard because it is difficult to imagine coming out the other side, happier and healthier when you aren't even sure how to even LOOK at the stuff that needs work.

It's like a vicious loop of not knowing.

Finding a good fit definitely takes some determination and, to be perfectly honest, a good consumer's eye. It seems strange to say that, but you are a customer and, while a therapist can't guarantee your results, he or she should meet certain criteria of comfort for you.

The clients who stick with me are all, what I call, higher order thinkers. These are folks who can both be in, and observe, their situation at the same time. Think Freud's 'superego' and you'll get the picture. They are all determined to be themselves, only better...whatever better means to them. They also want to be proactive in doing something about their feelings. That isn't always easy to do, but I find it makes way for much faster progress.

Just recently, I was contacted by a woman who had major reservations about entering into any treatment or process based on bad experiences in the past. After a good two weeks of back and forth emails and 45 minutes of consultation on the phone, I finally had to refer her out. We just weren't connecting. In the end, she came back to say she wanted to work together anyway and could she do the first session for free, 'just to see' if she could trust me. I very gently referred her again.

I guess that is a long way around saying, keep inquiring until you find someone you can be around while you feel uncomfortable. The work is challenging enough, you don't need to gut out being wary of the person!

Wow, you guys... This is a lot to think about.

I really like the idea of absently hair patting my inner child while the outer adult handles everything. Now I have to channel my future crone, to read stories and snuggle with the kids while I'm busy.

There are several other protests and sit-ins going on at Portman's offices. I think there are people staying overnight in both Cinci and Columbus. (Those ones were organized by Our Revolution, not ADAPT. I didn't participate because I know the local organizers, and I kind of don't trust them to actually know how to organize something like that.)

I have gotten so much better at not exploding in anger. It's so damaging to me, and to anyone in the path of it. That doesn't mean I don't get angry. Sometimes it's the only thing standing between me and curling up in a ball and crying.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom, and letting me talk about/through this.

"I wish I knew. My fear is that I'll settle again. I can't do that, and survive."

You won't. You're a wiser woman now. You have learned and grown.

He's lovely and I like him a lot - but if stuff needs to change it needs to change. And, lovely or not, if it needs to end it needs to end.

Anger. Oy. If my mother could accept that the array of people in her life who abused her and/or let her down quite reasonably pissed her off I suspect her whole world would change.

An old friend of mine has a theory about hating people - and I think a lot of it can be applied to anger as well:

You get to hate two people.

Properly speaking, you probably shouldn't hate anyone. It IS like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die. Religiously it's often frowned upon. It will devour you and ruin your life.

HOWEVER, you're only human. You are flawed. As unproductive as it is, you're going to have a certain amount of ill will toward your fellow man. So like anything else for you, do it in moderation. You get to hate two people, Despise away. It's not going to devour you if it's only two lousy people in this great big world - there are so many other relationships in your life, this is a drop in the bucket. If you only hate one, that's great - you have a spare. If you come across a third you're going to have to make a choice and find some peace with one of the others or let the new one slide because you only get two.

I've found the approach immensely helpful.

Thanks, Trudy.

He's lovely and I like him a lot - but if stuff needs to change it needs to change. And, lovely or not, if it needs to end it needs to end.

I needed to hear this. He is a wonderful person, and I don't want to hurt him, but that can't be the reason I stay. He would do anything for me, and my family. They adore him. But that can't be the basis for long-term happiness. There are things that I need to clarify for myself, including how much the age difference plays into it. I thought it didn't, but there are times when it's glaringly apparent.

And maybe it's stuff you can work through.

Take the time you need to figure it out. There's no rush here. You're not stuck. You won't get trapped.

I really like the idea of absently hair patting my inner child while the outer adult handles everything. Now I have to channel my future crone, to read stories and snuggle with the kids while I'm busy.

I don't know if it's a method that will work for everyone, but it's been pretty useful for me.

When my therapist told me I was ready to "graduate" from therapy (with the proviso that I could come back for "top ups" whenever I needed), I said, "Does this mean I'm not crazy?"

She looked at me and said, "Oh honey, no. You take advice from a stuffed rabbit. You're crazy. It's just that he's never given you bad advice, and he won't". Which is why she was my therapist.

Liese, I'm glad you finally felt okay reaching out here -- I could tell you were processing and working out a lot, but wasn't sure where/how to ask (I suck at that, yo!), but my heart is with you and I'm cheerleading like hell for your new life.

Thanks. This means a lot to me, and I appreciate it. It's tricky. Then, and now, (then being the last four or five years of struggle) I hadn't wanted to malign the SO, and certainly not somewhere he might see it. But I can actually look back in our entire marriage and see where he (unintentionally) undermined my friendships by not wanting to be talked about, to the point where I started self-undermining, eliminating the possibility of friendship intimacy, including here. Problematic.

It seems like residual anger about my marriage to Rob has cropped up lately, and the realization that some parts of the relationship were emotionally abusive, which has thrown me for a loop.

Yeah, I remember that conflict, too, like Hec. I thought you guys were going to split. It makes the narrative tough, because you can't tie up the storylines. But that's because they're not storylines, they're life, much as we want to be able to direct a fixed narrative when we look at our paths.

I needed to hear this. He is a wonderful person, and I don't want to hurt him, but that can't be the reason I stay.

It's good that he's wonderful. But he doesn't have to be wonderful for you. He can be wonderful for someone else, maybe, down the road. You can still be appreciative of what he was in your life at a time when you really needed him, and also be ready for him not to be in your life.

It's also possible that you can step back from whatever your unrest is, and re-establish what it was that drew you to him initially. The wonderfulness may very well be worth fighting through to keep.

For me, it couldn't be. I was never going to be the person that the SO wanted and needed me to be, and it was unfair to him for me to keep breaking myself to try to be. He is absolutely a wonderful person and I am totally grateful I had him. But I could not continue to be false to myself any longer. I tried. I really did. But in the end, something had to break, and it had to be the marriage rather than me.

Somebody can be, though, and in all likelihood will be, sooner than later. He's already dating. He will be a fabulous match for someone, and although that will hurt like fucking shit, it will also be good.

The anger thing is weird for me. I think I'm on the other side from y'all on this one. I always WAS a total rageball. And it wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized what this was doing to people in my life, particularly the SO.

So part of my learning to give fewer fucks was also learning to let the anger go. Which I largely did, probably thanks at least in part to the fluoxetine, but mostly the therapy. HOWEVER, I then landed on the other side of things, where there was stuff that I legitimately could have and probably should have gotten angry about, that I then felt I had to let go. Like I couldn't be angry at anything at all anymore. And I missed it. I missed being angry. My anger was very satisfying, and it was a huge massive part of my identity. With it missing I felt...apathetic.

I definitely feel you on the anger at self bit, Amy. I think this is the bit where I am right now. Since I initiated the divorce, I worked incredibly hard to make sure I was representing the SO in a positive light in my language. Which I did, successfully, so that he preserved relationships with my friends and family, and so that he has transitioned as smoothly as possible. Not without pain, I understand, but he is much healthier than I would have guessed at this point. But I did that all at a cost, and the cost was to me. If I held him largely blameless, then all that free-floating blame had to land somewhere and my own damn self was a nice big squishy target. Of course I'm culpable. In some major, obvious ways. But I'm also victimized, and I have to recognize that in order to process the grief of the loss. The fact that I initiated the divorce doesn't mean that I initiated the conflict solely. It just means I made the call to see it and state it.

<tldr>I used to be angrier. It's weird now. I tried to take the lion's share of the blame. That's not working.</tldr>