"I wish I knew. My fear is that I'll settle again. I can't do that, and survive."

You won't. You're a wiser woman now. You have learned and grown.

He's lovely and I like him a lot - but if stuff needs to change it needs to change. And, lovely or not, if it needs to end it needs to end.

Anger. Oy. If my mother could accept that the array of people in her life who abused her and/or let her down quite reasonably pissed her off I suspect her whole world would change.

An old friend of mine has a theory about hating people - and I think a lot of it can be applied to anger as well:

You get to hate two people.

Properly speaking, you probably shouldn't hate anyone. It IS like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die. Religiously it's often frowned upon. It will devour you and ruin your life.

HOWEVER, you're only human. You are flawed. As unproductive as it is, you're going to have a certain amount of ill will toward your fellow man. So like anything else for you, do it in moderation. You get to hate two people, Despise away. It's not going to devour you if it's only two lousy people in this great big world - there are so many other relationships in your life, this is a drop in the bucket. If you only hate one, that's great - you have a spare. If you come across a third you're going to have to make a choice and find some peace with one of the others or let the new one slide because you only get two.

I've found the approach immensely helpful.

Thanks, Trudy.

He's lovely and I like him a lot - but if stuff needs to change it needs to change. And, lovely or not, if it needs to end it needs to end.

I needed to hear this. He is a wonderful person, and I don't want to hurt him, but that can't be the reason I stay. He would do anything for me, and my family. They adore him. But that can't be the basis for long-term happiness. There are things that I need to clarify for myself, including how much the age difference plays into it. I thought it didn't, but there are times when it's glaringly apparent.

And maybe it's stuff you can work through.

Take the time you need to figure it out. There's no rush here. You're not stuck. You won't get trapped.

I really like the idea of absently hair patting my inner child while the outer adult handles everything. Now I have to channel my future crone, to read stories and snuggle with the kids while I'm busy.

I don't know if it's a method that will work for everyone, but it's been pretty useful for me.

When my therapist told me I was ready to "graduate" from therapy (with the proviso that I could come back for "top ups" whenever I needed), I said, "Does this mean I'm not crazy?"

She looked at me and said, "Oh honey, no. You take advice from a stuffed rabbit. You're crazy. It's just that he's never given you bad advice, and he won't". Which is why she was my therapist.

Liese, I'm glad you finally felt okay reaching out here -- I could tell you were processing and working out a lot, but wasn't sure where/how to ask (I suck at that, yo!), but my heart is with you and I'm cheerleading like hell for your new life.

Thanks. This means a lot to me, and I appreciate it. It's tricky. Then, and now, (then being the last four or five years of struggle) I hadn't wanted to malign the SO, and certainly not somewhere he might see it. But I can actually look back in our entire marriage and see where he (unintentionally) undermined my friendships by not wanting to be talked about, to the point where I started self-undermining, eliminating the possibility of friendship intimacy, including here. Problematic.

It seems like residual anger about my marriage to Rob has cropped up lately, and the realization that some parts of the relationship were emotionally abusive, which has thrown me for a loop.

Yeah, I remember that conflict, too, like Hec. I thought you guys were going to split. It makes the narrative tough, because you can't tie up the storylines. But that's because they're not storylines, they're life, much as we want to be able to direct a fixed narrative when we look at our paths.

I needed to hear this. He is a wonderful person, and I don't want to hurt him, but that can't be the reason I stay.

It's good that he's wonderful. But he doesn't have to be wonderful for you. He can be wonderful for someone else, maybe, down the road. You can still be appreciative of what he was in your life at a time when you really needed him, and also be ready for him not to be in your life.

It's also possible that you can step back from whatever your unrest is, and re-establish what it was that drew you to him initially. The wonderfulness may very well be worth fighting through to keep.

For me, it couldn't be. I was never going to be the person that the SO wanted and needed me to be, and it was unfair to him for me to keep breaking myself to try to be. He is absolutely a wonderful person and I am totally grateful I had him. But I could not continue to be false to myself any longer. I tried. I really did. But in the end, something had to break, and it had to be the marriage rather than me.

Somebody can be, though, and in all likelihood will be, sooner than later. He's already dating. He will be a fabulous match for someone, and although that will hurt like fucking shit, it will also be good.

The anger thing is weird for me. I think I'm on the other side from y'all on this one. I always WAS a total rageball. And it wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized what this was doing to people in my life, particularly the SO.

So part of my learning to give fewer fucks was also learning to let the anger go. Which I largely did, probably thanks at least in part to the fluoxetine, but mostly the therapy. HOWEVER, I then landed on the other side of things, where there was stuff that I legitimately could have and probably should have gotten angry about, that I then felt I had to let go. Like I couldn't be angry at anything at all anymore. And I missed it. I missed being angry. My anger was very satisfying, and it was a huge massive part of my identity. With it missing I felt...apathetic.

I definitely feel you on the anger at self bit, Amy. I think this is the bit where I am right now. Since I initiated the divorce, I worked incredibly hard to make sure I was representing the SO in a positive light in my language. Which I did, successfully, so that he preserved relationships with my friends and family, and so that he has transitioned as smoothly as possible. Not without pain, I understand, but he is much healthier than I would have guessed at this point. But I did that all at a cost, and the cost was to me. If I held him largely blameless, then all that free-floating blame had to land somewhere and my own damn self was a nice big squishy target. Of course I'm culpable. In some major, obvious ways. But I'm also victimized, and I have to recognize that in order to process the grief of the loss. The fact that I initiated the divorce doesn't mean that I initiated the conflict solely. It just means I made the call to see it and state it.

<tldr>I used to be angrier. It's weird now. I tried to take the lion's share of the blame. That's not working.</tldr>

HOWEVER, you're only human. You are flawed. As unproductive as it is, you're going to have a certain amount of ill will toward your fellow man. So like anything else for you, do it in moderation. You get to hate two people, Despise away. It's not going to devour you if it's only two lousy people in this great big world - there are so many other relationships in your life, this is a drop in the bucket. If you only hate one, that's great - you have a spare. If you come across a third you're going to have to make a choice and find some peace with one of the others or let the new one slide because you only get two.

This looks like incredibly useful advice. Half a lifetime ago I learned that a couple of "friends" had been lying to me for years, big lies, ones that sent me down life-changing paths. And I thought I was pretty much over it, because half a lifetime ago is a decent chunk of years when you're pushing 50. Then I was reading a theater review and discovered that one of them was the director. And the review absolutely eviscerated the production, laying most of the blame on crap direction. I'm not proud of it, but I was so happy. And I realized that I still wasn't over it. But I can't think of anyone currently in my life (personally, not, say, political figures) where I can imagine feeling such joy over their failures. And I figure that if these two people fill that role, we're at a place where none of us have any practical influence on the others, so it doesn't hurt them. And they're no longer in a position to hurt me. Except for occasional, unexpected internet discoveries, they're completely gone from my life. So they're my designated "anger" points, and while I can still get ticked off at people currently in my life, I find it pretty easy to either let it go or let them go.

There are things that I need to clarify for myself, including how much the age difference plays into it. I thought it didn't, but there are times when it's glaringly apparent.

Age is tricky, but becomes less so with time. #1 was 9 years older than me. #2 was within a couple months of my age. #3 is 11 years younger. In the beginning it was a bigger deal. My boyfriends were in Vietnam, his dad was there. Now with me being 63 and him 52 it is a difference in aging. Bottom line, it isn't that important.

On relationships, it's complicated, yo! It was really hard to divorce Bob. I still carry a lot of guilt over the whole thing. Not regret, but guilt. I'm grateful we remained friends and it was clearly in both of our best interests in the long run, but breaking up is a horrible experience.

Looking back on my 44 years of combined marriages the 3 fellas only had one thing in common. How they viewed me and how they treated me. I've always felt completely supported, adored, and respected. It amazes me every day that I have been so lucky and remain clueless as to what I did to deserve such adoration. My general advice on sizing up a potential companion for this life is how they make you feel about yourself. I could say a lot more, but the other person has to make you feel treasured.

The anger thing is also complicated. I've thought a lot through this discussion of the life experiences that brought the most anger, ftr not fun. In the end, the anger hurt me more than the event causing the anger and I had to let it go. DH still from time to time asks me why I am not upset when upsetting things happen. My answer is always the same. It makes me feel worse to get upset, not better. I just have to do what I can to resolve the issue, and if I can't I have to let it go. Getting angry does nothing for me.

I'm not proud of it, but I was so happy.

Ha! Totally understandable and satisfying to cheer your enemy's defeat. I don't believe there is anyone in my personal or professional life that I actively hate right now, but there are a few that I don't mind seeing suffer defeats.

Well, I guess I'm not going to the protest today. Woke up with a ton of pain in my right foot, so I won't be able to handle the drive to Columbus.