ION, because of the multiple days of pain and ugh, I picked up a chocolate chip cookie from WF to eat over the next few days. I've been eating low-carb and pretty much sugar-free since ... late March?

My cookie doesn't taste good. It tastes heavy and too sweet and ick. ::sigh::

I think I've gotten up enough nerve to go to the ADAPT protest tomorrow. I'll be leaving when the "Leave now or be arrested" warning comes in, though.

Absolutely, Hil. I shudder at the thought of you getting a dislocated shoulder getting carried out. Or worse. I do so appreciate the efforts made by the protesters. It really seems to make an impact.

My cookie doesn't taste good

Pout. That really is adding insult to injury.

The trick, and this is where therapy will eventually take you, is accepting your anger but also working to move past it so that you are functional and not a rageball.

P.M. is wise.

But, oh man. If I had not let myself be angry at my father...and, frankly, every damn person in my novel-worthy family...I'd have gone straight off my nut.

I was a guest on a podcast recently, talking about superheroes and psychology. It initially felt weird, but then just fine, to confess that I used to be incandescently angry all the time. And I mean, ALL the time.

It took a lot of inquiry, logic, trial/error and a will of steel to get past it. And, that is what can be so great about anger. It's one helluva tool. But, as has been said, it is much more useful as a means to another end than it is as a lifestyle choice.

I'm holding a vision of release and relief for you, Steph. And for anyone else who needs it!

Zen, and Glam, I totally get how hard it can be to find the right person to be with you as you work through stuff.

I think the initiation part of it is hard because it is difficult to imagine coming out the other side, happier and healthier when you aren't even sure how to even LOOK at the stuff that needs work.

It's like a vicious loop of not knowing.

Finding a good fit definitely takes some determination and, to be perfectly honest, a good consumer's eye. It seems strange to say that, but you are a customer and, while a therapist can't guarantee your results, he or she should meet certain criteria of comfort for you.

The clients who stick with me are all, what I call, higher order thinkers. These are folks who can both be in, and observe, their situation at the same time. Think Freud's 'superego' and you'll get the picture. They are all determined to be themselves, only better...whatever better means to them. They also want to be proactive in doing something about their feelings. That isn't always easy to do, but I find it makes way for much faster progress.

Just recently, I was contacted by a woman who had major reservations about entering into any treatment or process based on bad experiences in the past. After a good two weeks of back and forth emails and 45 minutes of consultation on the phone, I finally had to refer her out. We just weren't connecting. In the end, she came back to say she wanted to work together anyway and could she do the first session for free, 'just to see' if she could trust me. I very gently referred her again.

I guess that is a long way around saying, keep inquiring until you find someone you can be around while you feel uncomfortable. The work is challenging enough, you don't need to gut out being wary of the person!

Wow, you guys... This is a lot to think about.

I really like the idea of absently hair patting my inner child while the outer adult handles everything. Now I have to channel my future crone, to read stories and snuggle with the kids while I'm busy.

There are several other protests and sit-ins going on at Portman's offices. I think there are people staying overnight in both Cinci and Columbus. (Those ones were organized by Our Revolution, not ADAPT. I didn't participate because I know the local organizers, and I kind of don't trust them to actually know how to organize something like that.)

I have gotten so much better at not exploding in anger. It's so damaging to me, and to anyone in the path of it. That doesn't mean I don't get angry. Sometimes it's the only thing standing between me and curling up in a ball and crying.

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom, and letting me talk about/through this.

"I wish I knew. My fear is that I'll settle again. I can't do that, and survive."

You won't. You're a wiser woman now. You have learned and grown.

He's lovely and I like him a lot - but if stuff needs to change it needs to change. And, lovely or not, if it needs to end it needs to end.

Anger. Oy. If my mother could accept that the array of people in her life who abused her and/or let her down quite reasonably pissed her off I suspect her whole world would change.

An old friend of mine has a theory about hating people - and I think a lot of it can be applied to anger as well:

You get to hate two people.

Properly speaking, you probably shouldn't hate anyone. It IS like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die. Religiously it's often frowned upon. It will devour you and ruin your life.

HOWEVER, you're only human. You are flawed. As unproductive as it is, you're going to have a certain amount of ill will toward your fellow man. So like anything else for you, do it in moderation. You get to hate two people, Despise away. It's not going to devour you if it's only two lousy people in this great big world - there are so many other relationships in your life, this is a drop in the bucket. If you only hate one, that's great - you have a spare. If you come across a third you're going to have to make a choice and find some peace with one of the others or let the new one slide because you only get two.

I've found the approach immensely helpful.

Thanks, Trudy.

He's lovely and I like him a lot - but if stuff needs to change it needs to change. And, lovely or not, if it needs to end it needs to end.

I needed to hear this. He is a wonderful person, and I don't want to hurt him, but that can't be the reason I stay. He would do anything for me, and my family. They adore him. But that can't be the basis for long-term happiness. There are things that I need to clarify for myself, including how much the age difference plays into it. I thought it didn't, but there are times when it's glaringly apparent.