Man, I am so bad at recognizing when I am angry. . .

but I am having a much better Thursday than I was a week ago when I called my friend Kathy in tears which were no doubt brought on by not having my citalopram for more than a week.

I have since:

found a Patient Assistant program through which I was able to get my prescription for free and picked up my meds.

had my Community Action rep (social worker) edit my resume and make it a much more functional document.

dropped off my rental assistance application at Hope Haven

and while there picked up a couple loaves of delicious bread and some very good cereal.

And discovered that randomly my SNAP allowance for July was almost $8.00 more than usual. (I am pretty sure I used my allowance up in June s0 . .. who knows what is going on.)

So, I am still a little weepy but I'm better than I was a week ago. I just spent a nice couple of hours with my friend Kathy after a non-weepy phone call picking up meds and groceries and am now watching the Tour de France going through some particularly gorgeous French countryside.

That's all really good news, sumi!

Now to find a new job with my snazzy new resume!

When I was processing the anger at my parents during therapy, I had some really overwhelming dreams.

I had recurring dreams of setting fire to and walking away from the house we lived in when my mom was diagnosed with leukemia and went into the hospital for 6 months. When I told this to my therapist, she laughed and said, "Do I need to unpack that for you?"

He tapped into my logical side and it helped.

I am so not a creature of logic. The most helpful thing my therapist helped me with is that whenever the child!Jilli that lives in the back of my head freaks out, I need to remind myself that she doesn't have to deal with it - that's my job, and I'm the Head Witch around here.

sumi, that is great news!

Sumi, all good things, and about time, too. You deserve for things to go better.

I'ma just... quote Pix

I just want to give those of you who hug big hugs. Jilli and Sara and sj and Liese and Gud and Steph and Zen and Windy and Maria and Glam and Amy and Dana and anyone I have inevitably forgotten to list here because I have NO MEMORY anymore, please know that though I don't speak up often, I see you and I care and I am pulling for you.

and Laura

Love and hugs and support to all as needed. I read and send loving thoughts, but often don't know what to say for fear that my words won't convey the real level of compassion and concern I feel.

because I can't say it better on my own.

As for anger, I'm not an angry person. I have moments of righteous rage, but they're soon over--either I find some way to fix the situation, or I manage to let it go. I don't have the energy to fuel simmering resentment or grudges. I just don't. So it's not strength of character so much as lack of cope that I have to let rage go.

And too, I'm cursed with an overabundance of objectivity, which has often left me propping up the person causing me tsuris. The kids had a shorthand for it, the gesture of shoulder patting while intoning uber-solicitously, "There, there. There, there." Learning about how my brain functions--or doesn't--has given me some perspective and some peace--it never was all my fault. Discovering decades after the fact that I was the adopted only child of an undiagnosed, untreated bipolar parent excuses a whole whaleboat full of "failures" I no longer have to bear the blame for. So, yay therapy.

It makes my heart expand to see those of you who need help seeking and finding it, and reaching some resolution and equilibrium. We're all really good people. We just need to be told and shown the truth of that.

Smonster, glad to do it. (and, um, it may not have taken the whole 1.5 hour. Um. Just sayin')

ION, because of the multiple days of pain and ugh, I picked up a chocolate chip cookie from WF to eat over the next few days. I've been eating low-carb and pretty much sugar-free since ... late March?

My cookie doesn't taste good. It tastes heavy and too sweet and ick. ::sigh::

I think I've gotten up enough nerve to go to the ADAPT protest tomorrow. I'll be leaving when the "Leave now or be arrested" warning comes in, though.

Absolutely, Hil. I shudder at the thought of you getting a dislocated shoulder getting carried out. Or worse. I do so appreciate the efforts made by the protesters. It really seems to make an impact.

My cookie doesn't taste good

Pout. That really is adding insult to injury.

The trick, and this is where therapy will eventually take you, is accepting your anger but also working to move past it so that you are functional and not a rageball.

P.M. is wise.

But, oh man. If I had not let myself be angry at my father...and, frankly, every damn person in my novel-worthy family...I'd have gone straight off my nut.

I was a guest on a podcast recently, talking about superheroes and psychology. It initially felt weird, but then just fine, to confess that I used to be incandescently angry all the time. And I mean, ALL the time.

It took a lot of inquiry, logic, trial/error and a will of steel to get past it. And, that is what can be so great about anger. It's one helluva tool. But, as has been said, it is much more useful as a means to another end than it is as a lifestyle choice.

I'm holding a vision of release and relief for you, Steph. And for anyone else who needs it!

Zen, and Glam, I totally get how hard it can be to find the right person to be with you as you work through stuff.

I think the initiation part of it is hard because it is difficult to imagine coming out the other side, happier and healthier when you aren't even sure how to even LOOK at the stuff that needs work.

It's like a vicious loop of not knowing.

Finding a good fit definitely takes some determination and, to be perfectly honest, a good consumer's eye. It seems strange to say that, but you are a customer and, while a therapist can't guarantee your results, he or she should meet certain criteria of comfort for you.

The clients who stick with me are all, what I call, higher order thinkers. These are folks who can both be in, and observe, their situation at the same time. Think Freud's 'superego' and you'll get the picture. They are all determined to be themselves, only better...whatever better means to them. They also want to be proactive in doing something about their feelings. That isn't always easy to do, but I find it makes way for much faster progress.

Just recently, I was contacted by a woman who had major reservations about entering into any treatment or process based on bad experiences in the past. After a good two weeks of back and forth emails and 45 minutes of consultation on the phone, I finally had to refer her out. We just weren't connecting. In the end, she came back to say she wanted to work together anyway and could she do the first session for free, 'just to see' if she could trust me. I very gently referred her again.

I guess that is a long way around saying, keep inquiring until you find someone you can be around while you feel uncomfortable. The work is challenging enough, you don't need to gut out being wary of the person!