I only ask, because one of the biggest things I'm grappling with in therapy is being allowed to be angry at my parents.

Ahahahaha. Yeah. One of the big things we did when I was in therapy was learning that I was allowed to be angry - at not just my mom, but anyone - and that asking for help didn't mean I was going to bother or upset anyone.

::hugs everyone in this bar::

Anger is such a hard emotion to deal with, because it is so often forbidden. We didn't do a lot of anger or confrontation in my house either, because ... my mom was sick? There's still a lot to unpack there, but I'm mostly beyond that.

What I'm struggling with is my anger at myself. I know that we both did things wrong in my marriage to S., but somehow I'm only angry at me for them -- for staying (read: being stupid enough to stay), for hoping he would change, for not fixing everything myself. Even just writing it out, I know objectively it's not the right way to feel (is there a right way to feel?), but I still feel it.

When I was processing the anger at my parents during therapy, I had some really overwhelming dreams. In my dreams about my dad, I basically always yelled at him--I followed him around detailing all the ways he'd been a bad father. The dreams about my mom were totally different. In one I stabbed her. In one, I pushed her out the window. In another, I CUT OFF HER HEAD, and put it in a cannon and shot it into space.

I'm really glad we have each other. Hugs to everyone.

I'm dealing with allowing my self to be angry and grieve over a lot of things. Not necessarily at my parents but I never felt like it was ok I think mostly because the things weren't treated like a reason to be sad or angry.

I'm going to recommend a book called Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame. Dad gave it to me because he read it and recognized himself in it and thought it would help me. It's not just about being made to feel shame about who you are but also about how the different ways we are shamed as kids (like by expressing feelings) effects us

Old Jack patiently listened to me then told me I had every right to be angry and to just go ahead and be angry, but it wasn't going to make me feel any better or solve the issues. He started asking me questions. Did I feel better being angry? Would it change anything? Then he redirected me to making a plan to make my living condition better.

He compared anger with jealousy. He said both were useless emotions that only made you feel worse and didn't change or solve a damned thing. He tapped into my logical side and it helped.

I agree with that in a general sense, but I really need to be able to be angry at my parents. To answer the question "Did I feel better being angry?" Oh, FUCK YES I do.

In another, I CUT OFF HER HEAD, and put it in a cannon and shot it into space.

That is MAGNIFICENT.

I was angry at my mom sometimes when I was a teenager, and I definitely expressed that anger. Nowadays, I kind of feel like expressing it is pointless -- it won't change anything, and it will just upset her. And I know that her health isn't great, and I kind of always feel like, "Is this what should be the last thought I have about her while she's alive?" Because she has her issues, but she's also been really great in a lot of ways. Like, talking to other people who grew up with chronic pain, a lot of them say that their parents didn't believe them. My mom never did that -- if I said that I hurt, then I hurt, and she would help me try to find ways to hurt less.

Things would sure be easier if people were simpler.

I agree with that in a general sense, but I really need to be able to be angry at my parent

The trick, and this is where therapy will eventually take you, is accepting your anger but also working to move past it so that you are functional and not a rageball.

Warning: this can take years. But being neither repressing 24/7 nor raging helplessly against things that can't be undone is a sustainable state.

"Did I feel better being angry?" Oh, FUCK YES I do.

This goes under the category of if it feels good, do it. I absolutely agree with allowing yourself to feel and express anger.

I grew up with and still have a lot of people around me that are big with large and loud expressions of anger, or other emotions. Several have asked me, don't I ever get angry because they don't see that in me. It is hard to express, but it doesn't work for me. It makes me feel worse, not better. So I don't do it anymore.

This goes under the category of if it feels good, do it. I absolutely agree with allowing yourself to feel and express anger.

I grew up with and still have a lot of people around me that are big with large and loud expressions of anger, or other emotions. Several have asked me, don't I ever get angry because they don't see that in me. It is hard to express, but it doesn't work for me. It makes me feel worse, not better. So I don't do it anymore.

I guess I actually haven't been specific about what "being angry at my parents" means. It's just *feeling* angry. I have no intention to express it to them, because it wouldn't be useful or productive. But just *feeling* angry at them when that was fucking forbidden is a goddamn revelation.

I hear you on people who are chock-full of big loud *expressions* of anger. I'm not comfortable around people like that. That's not what I'm doing (except, I guess, occasionally to Tim, when I tell him how I'm processing things and then bust out with "I was raised by total selfish damaging SHITHEADS OH MY GOD!").