'Destiny'
Spike-centric discussion. Lusty, lewd (only occasionally crude), risqué (and frisqué), bawdy (Oh, lawdy!), flirty ('cuz we're purty), raunchy talk inside. Caveat lector.
Bit also my therapist talks about inner parent
My therapist, over the course of EMDR therapy to help me redirect old neural pathways, talked a lot about my learning to be the adult my inner, very skeptical and over-responsible child needed. Or as she put it, "You're the Head Witch. Remember that".
(She also told me that while taking advice from a stuffed bunny was kind of crazy, he's never given me *wrong* advice, so I should keep listening to him.)
learning to be the adult my inner, very skeptical and over-responsible child needed.
That's where I'm stuck. My therapist and I have been talking about this a lot (though my child is over-responsible and pant-shitting terrified of the responsibility because she's pretty sure it's going to lead to us living in a cardboard box under an overpass) (she's also SUPER resentful and angry about the responsibility, so it's a fun bundle of volatile emotions), and I cannot get to a point where I learn to be the adult that 12-year-old Steph needs. (Partly because I deeply resent having to be responsible for anyone else, which apparently includes myself.) (Ugh. This is why I'm still in therapy.)
(though my child is over-responsible and pant-shitting terrified of the responsibility because she's pretty sure it's going to lead to us living in a cardboard box under an overpass) (she's also SUPER resentful and angry about the responsibility, so it's a fun bundle of volatile emotions)
My sister? There was a whole lot of "What did she need to hear? What would you do if you were the adult in that situation?" which was hard, because getting to where I could admit that Mom loved me, but was profoundly messed up and not a very emotionally present parent felt like constant betrayal.
In conclusion: therapy is fucking hard, and anyone putting themselves through it gets pink and black sparkly stars from me.
There was a whole lot of "What did she need to hear? What would you do if you were the adult in that situation?"
That's what my therapist asks me, too, and I am *still* just SO. DAMN. RESENTFUL. that *I* have to be the one to do this. And so I can't get there.
I am also super terrified of responsibility and therefore resentful. Especially being single; even though I know partnerships can be complicated and unequal, I long sometimes for someone to at least share the load.
What did she need to hear? What would you do if you were the adult in that situation?
My therapist asking me some variation of "How would you have liked for your parents to treat you?" sends me into a DOES NOT COMPUTE frenzy and causes me to shut down.
I am also super terrified of responsibility and therefore resentful. Especially being single; even though I know partnerships can be complicated and unequal, I long sometimes for someone to at least share the load.
Same, sort of. I'm not sure I'd say I'm scared of responsibility, but it just feels like too much, a lot of the time. Like, when I've spent all day making decisions that will affect my students' lives, and then come home and post on Facebook or message friends to make stupid decisions for me, like what to have for dinner or which movie to watch, because I just need my brain to not have to do that for a while.
Drugged up and waiting for my MRI. The big machine does look pretty big.
Parenting my inner moppet, yes, thank you, Cordelia.
Once I found out I *could* be responsible for my emotional and mental reactions to outside events, and once I got over the crippling assumption of inadequacy, it became really important for me to do that job, since the people whose responsibility it was supposed to be did such an abysmal job of it. I have trouble letting go, now. Which is its own problem.
Don't be intimidated, Dana. Think of the machine as your fortress. Nothing can bother you while you're in your fortress.
Victory is mine.