And I hope he appreciates how Tim is going out on a limb for him.

He does. He's said so, repeatedly. And he thanked me repeatedly for feeding him and letting him crash on the couch.

He knows that he fucked up huge with the DUI. I think his problem is that he wants his life to improve, but he doesn't want to put in the effort to make it happen. I think he wants things to just work out in his favor. Like, going to the men's shelter would have been too hard for him (so he says), but accepting cousinboss's generosity to stay in a motel is easy. Finding a job (and keeping it) is too hard, but when Tim comes up with a way to give him some work, he'll do it.

I want to believe that he can learn that sometimes you have to bust your ass and do the stuff that's difficult. But he's 38 years old, and I feel like it might be too late for him to learn that lesson.

One of things someone said when DH was in rehab that stuck with me is that when people have something like a DUI they recognize that the incident is a problem but have a harder time seeing that theirs whole way of life led to the incident. Not!son really reminds me of that.

when people have something like a DUI they recognize that the incident is a problem but have a harder time seeing that theirs whole way of life led to the incident. Not!son really reminds me of that.

That's EXACTLY what he's like. He genuinely feels remorse for the DUI, and not in an "I regret getting caught" way -- he's genuinely pissed that he drove drunk. But he doesn't see the bigger picture. He said that now, whenever he passes a bar, he thinks, "Fuck you" -- but to the *bar*, not to his poor choice.

Yeah, I don't have an easy answer for it, but AA has certainly seen it before and some people do get past it and really work on themselves, even relatively late in life.

His mother has been sober for decades -- he grew up with her attending AA meetings. So he knows the drill. And Sunday night he actually went to 2 meetings (though part of that might have been because he had no place to go).

I think he intends to keep going to meetings, but, again, I fear that unless it's staggeringly easy for him to get to a meeting, he won't go.

I really do want to see him get his shit together. I genuinely am pulling for him. But he has to do the work, and I don't know if he's willing to do that.

It is scary how much reading about not!son is like reading about my!son. And discouraging. I can't count the number of times I have heard apologies and thanks and "I know I really screwed up" coming from him. It really just strengthens my resolve because I really need him to figure this shit out at 25 so he still isn't going through it at 38.

It is a whole lot easier to do it for them!!

Man. Love to everyone to is dealing with this kind of frustration. It's weird, to be all mememe for a second, I can kind of see both sides. I think, especially when I was deeper in depression, that it was hard for me to see what was actually in my power to change and I felt hopeless - remember my line that I'm the "motherfucking James Bond of self-sabotage?" I still feel that way sometimes, but much less often now.

On the other hand, I've watched loved ones in helpless frustration many a time.

Both sides suck. I wish there was an easy fix, or a way to prevent it.

Ugh Javacat, that sounds miserable. I hope you get some relief.

And yay Laura on happier, healthier eating. Even more than weight, healthy eating makes such a difference for me in terms of how I feel.

I can kind of see both sides.

Absolutely, that is the hardest part. I know that son is depressed, at times severely, but I have done all I can do. I keep coming back to my mother's wise words. "Laura, you can't want for him." Until he wants more from life nothing will change.

I'm sorry it's so hard, Laura.

I'm in the euphoric/hypomanic phase of PMS, which means that later today or tomorrow a switch will flip and I will suddenly become homicidal. God, I wish the first phase lasted longer. Like, several days longer. I would get so much done. And feel better about it.