I love those wingtip Docs. wow.

also I need shoes, but wasn't planning on getting wingtips, but... dang

Okay, braindump time. Sorry, it's long. I had a long overdue chat with HR yesterday about how I don't want to stay with the company and would like to take advantage of the severance package I was offered in the spring when my old department was disbanded, and now I'm freaking out that I will never find another job again because I don't actually know how to do anything.

My career has gone completely off the rails and I don't know how to get back on track. I don't want to stay in tech, I don't particularly want to go back to media, and I'm terrified that I don't really know how to do anything else. The job I have now pays a stupid amount of money, but the commute is literally killing me (2 hours each way is not uncommon), I don't believe in where the company is going, and I think the role I have is basically bullshit. And it's bullshit I'm not really that good at because I am not a 25 year old with an MBA. I want to work close to home so I can see my kids for more than an hour a day, but I'm terrified I will never find anything that pays this well ever again, and maybe I can give my kids more in the long run by sticking it out? Am I a snob if I think I'd be giving up something important by looking for something that's just a *job* and not a career? Why, at age 39, am I still completely blank about what I want to be when I grow up? If I went back to school, would that help, or would that just make me 20 years older than everyone else I'd be competing with when I got out? What would I even go back to school for? Am I having a completely normal midlife crisis, and should I just wait it out?

That's a miserable commute, and a perfectly good reason not to stay in a job. Let alone the other reasons. You're unhappy, and I think it's probably more important to your kids that you're happy.

Oh, Jess. It sounds like leaving is the right thing to do, if terrifying. I hope you can give yourself some time to think about what you want and maybe even figure out how to get there. I wish I had good answers.

I'm sure that leaving is the right thing to do for my own mental health and wellbeing, and if I don't leave by year-end, I miss out on a very generous severance package that would give me breathing room to find my next thing. It's just terrifying realizing that I have no idea what that next thing should be. Basically I want the job I had three years ago, but with better pay and not working for a narcissistic pathological liar.

I'm also very aware that my current mental state is largely informed by the looming 1 year anniversary of the 2016 election, and so my general outlook on life right now is that everything is hopeless and the world is falling apart around me and nothing makes sense or ever will again.

Can you spend the next few months scoping out the opportunities closer to home and see who's hiring and if it's something you could do?

Basically I want the job I had three years ago, but with better pay and not working for a narcissistic pathological liar.

Okay, that is a good place to start!

And good for you doing what's best for you even though it is terrifying. That's huge. And hard. And you are doing it. Kudos.

I think it's worth taking the severance, Jess. For one, that time alone would be great to have with the kids. As to what comes next, you'll have some time to look at possibilities, right? I think a happier mom is a better thing for everyone in the end.

I can't really speak to the election anniversary feelings, except to say that I feel them, too, and I'm just trying my best to plow on through without letting them sink me.

Jessica - you have to take care of your sanity. Job/career will come. I shifted careers almost 10 years ago and I'm loving where I ended up.

Yesterday's anxiety surge at the CT scan was a mere preview of the rest of the night. Well, when I got home, I indulged in the benefits of living in Colorado. I didn't need to go anywhere or use my brain and I needed to get some major relaxation going.

An hour later I realized Crowley had a wound on his belly that needed attention. I had to call Kelly to give us a ride to the ER vet, he ended up with a good 1 inch or so worth of stitches. Talk about another anxiety spike and knowing my brain wasn't processing things well. Kelly kept me as sane as possible.

When we got home, I slept on the couch with Crowley so he wouldn't try going up and down the stairs. Poor punkin is not liking the cone. He finally figured out how to get to his water bowl, but he barely ate any breakfast. I kept having to help him get his cone over his food bowl. He was a touch playful this morning, trying to chase his tail through the cone - I'll admit, I helped him catch it a couple of times. He isn't supposed to be "active" for two weeks - just in time for his snip, snip appointment with another week or two of trying to keep him from being a puppy. The biggest challenge will be when Jack is back on Monday and keeping the two of them from playing.

At the moment he is asleep on the ottoman, with his head on my foot. I am beyond exhausted but I can't take the day off of work. I have a couple of deadline issues that I can't put off or hand off.

Thanks guys. I know I'm not around very much these days, but it's good to know I can still pop my head in here and dump all of my anxieties onto a bunch of really smart people!