Just got off the phone with my Mom's dr. She's been having a LOT of confusion the past couple days, it's been really concerning. The latest they think is that the MRSA has infected hardware in her back from an old back surgery. The infection explains the confusion and also explains her increased back pain. They want to give her an MRI to try to diagnose it for sure, but she gets claustrophobic, so they gave her Ativan, which turns out makes her kind of crazy (she kept trying to crawl out of the MRI). Now they're talking about either twilight sedation with extra painkillers (because her back can't handle lying flat that long) or full sedation. But she's been fighting the MRI. And somehow I'm in charge. I finally got her on the phone - it only works when someone else is in the room to hand it to her because she keeps trying to answer the remote otherwise - and talked her into it. So hopefully that happens tonight or tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I'm supposed to have dinner with my dad tonight, and I don't know if I'll even try to tell him about it because I can't talk about it without crying, which he doesn't respond particularly helpfully to. And it kind of pisses me off, because I feel like he's the one who made a commitment to take care of her all those decades ago, and he's abdicated the responsibility and foisted it off on me.

And I'm supposed to be going to a show tomorrow night (non-exchangeable tickets) and I feel like I'm being a little selfish that I plan to go - even though right now I'm pretty sure she won't notice if I miss a day.

I have lots of support at a distance - family, friends, you guys - but I feel so alone in person. I don't know if I've ever felt so alone.

That sounds incredibly rough, Epic. I'm sorry.

Thanks for letting me unload.

I feel like my tears are so near the surface at all times that if I talk about how upset or worried or stressed I am, I start weeping all over the place, so I'm trying to keep it all crammed down under minimal control. Not really succeeding (my boss joked about where I disappear to, so I told her I was hiding in a disused office so I could talk to my mom's dr, and it's obvious I've been crying, so maybe she'll let up on the jokes for a bit), but it was a relief to articulate it.

This is also when I start retreating and living in my head too much, so I'm trying to remember to reach out for what help is available to me, too.

Epic, I'm so sorry it's such a tough time for you. That is a lot for you to handle. And you're not being selfish to want to take a day or night off to do something nice for yourself. Taking care of you is important too.

I am far too stressed out and running on far too little sleep this week. I started crying in front of a coworker today. (Luckily, it was someone who I'm friendly with, and who I don't think will think that I'm a total freak for it.)

Epic, I'm so sorry. You're dealing with so much. Do you have a support system or people to give you sanity breaks? What can we do?

Epic, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. It's a lot. I agree with Kate--it's important to take time for yourself. I wish you didn't feel so alone in all of this. If you want to talk, let me know. I'm happy to.

Epic, that is a lot. I wish you had more F2F support. And I hope your dinner went better than expected.

Hil, I'm sorry about the stress.

Hil, and sj, sorry about all the stress.

Extra house ~ma to Pix and ND.

I didn't sleep a wink last night, so I'm going to have to leave work early and cancel physical therapy, because it's not safe for me to drive when I haven't slept. Too much of a seizure risk. Blah!

Insomnia is the worst, amyth. Sorry.