My grandma would turn mean and then be sweet.

My grandfather(according to Mom) accused my grandma of having sec with men on their car in the drive way among other things at the end of his life.

I spent a long weekend with M. I was worried something would happen but the worst is I accidentally sent over the fats plan playing Spotify and not realizing wi fi was off.

Over all we kind of balance. I introduced him to Fluxx and he took to it and beat me almost every time. Also introduced him to Bob's Burgers and he got me into an anime series.

Also I smoked weed for the first time. He does and I've declined other times but finally tried it. It seems like it would have been a better choice for anxiety for me. Not sure if different type would make me feel different but I pretty muchbfelt lile the first few days on Klonopin

Man. Found out that a woman in our larger circle of friends/acquaintances died in a house fire last night. That's really awful. (Though, to be perfectly honest, I never liked her and generally tried to avoid her at gatherings. But, you know, that doesn't mean I wanted her dead.) What a rough year this is. Sheesh.

t edit And I am -- to be clear -- really sad for our mutual friends who were close to her, and her family. What a horrible thing.

Ugh, I hate everything and I can't tell if it's depression or just profound misanthropy.

Dana, why not both.

It's too much effort to determine if it's both. I mean, it's probably both. But eh.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. It's sad...but oddly comforting...that we've all had similar experiences.

Today was my first full day 'off' in a while...from caregiving anyway...and it was a big help. A break gave me the space to get my head right again. Thank goodness.

How awful about the house fire, Steph. And, how great that you can be honest about your feelings. It's understandable, I suppose, but sometimes strange how we tend to deify the lost. Reputations are cleansed by their proximity to the Deity...or whatever.

A good friend of mine accidentally shot himself in the head on his second day with the Sacramento police. His loss ended the use of clamshell holsters in the services. Officers actually drove from NYC and everywhere else in the country for his funeral. He was lauded as a hero when the truth is, a really nice guy did a super stupid thing.

Losing my friend on Pan Am 103 was hella dramatic, and she was my personal hero in so many ways, but she would have actually guffawed at some of the things people who didn't even know her said.

I think we honor the dead more by being true to them in life and beyond.

there was enough fact and truth in them to change my perception of the relationship we'd always had, my opinion of him. The relationship changed, because he was no longer lucid or really responsive, thanks to the drugs. But I have an idea how that felt, and I'm very sorry.

You're amazing. I wish her ease, and comfort, both of which are helped by your constance and presence. And I wish you strength.

You put your finger on it, Beverly. Her words poked sharply at one of my insecurities. Maybe I'm not loving enough...etc. And, the shock of the contrast can't be overestimated either. It was just so not her. Or, maybe it was absolutely both of us. Anyway, I'm trying not to think about it so much now.

Thank you, too, for the kind words. There is a certain selfishness in doing this, I suppose, because my ego just can't let people be left in the hands of folks who don't do it well. I've had to devise shuffling out the door maneuvers for several guests who either demanded that the dying lady feel sorry for THEIR troubles (I wish I was kidding about that) or who are told outright that her energy is miniscule and finite, but can't take the hint to go live their own lives.

She is feeling like she has to cater to other people's needs when it just makes no sense. The end is so near that I'd love it if she had some super selfish inclinations, but she is both kind and trained to Southern manners.

It's an adventure, that is for sure.

ltc has figured out how to turn on the loud electronic toys on her own. Send earplugs.

beekaytee, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

My brain has been too fried lately to participate much, but I'm thinking of all of you. I should be better after ltc's birthday party this weekend and she starts school next week.

Horrible news, Steph. Reminds me I need to replace one of my smoke alarms. Do they know how the fire started?

My mother said some awful things in her dementia, too. So did my grandmother, but Mam said kinda awful things anyway...:) It happens to so many people. I don't believe it's "what they really think". Changes in the brain cause personality changes, and it's more like an interface error than an evil mental twin. I hope that makes sense.

Horrible news, Steph. Reminds me I need to replace one of my smoke alarms. Do they know how the fire started?

None of the news stories had any information about that, and I don't know if they'll update it. I'm curious, too, but it's not the kind of thing I would ask about, because my respect for privacy (barely) outweighs my curiosity.