All right, I'm just going to post here for my own accountability, feel free to scroll.

Done so far: shower and a 1/4 Xanax (bless the drugs), put away a few articles of clothes (each time I go into the bedroom for something, I put away a few things), sent three overdue messages for work, counted how many scheduled work days I have left to complete the project from hell, started filling in my planner for the week, made a pitcher of iced tea.

Next: two more work messages, get an insurance quote for the car I'm buying, message my doctor's assistant, put away dishes. That is pretty much what I *have* to get done tonight, I think. Need to look back through planner to see what else has fallen through the cracks.

Setting timer for 25 min and... onward. When I get going all my anxiety seems so dumb. I try to remember during the anxiety but it's a work in progress.

Are you still going, smonster?

Herbal tea:

Done: sent one work message, pay power bill, check bank balance and credit card due, update budget software a little, put away a few more clothes.

Next: last work message for evening, insurance quote, message doctor's assistant, check back through planner. I want to end my screen time at 10:30, so this will be my last round tonight.

While I'm here and have time left in my break, though... The Boy is really frustrating me. He likes me, it's not just sex, but I think he's in the grip of a very deep depression complicated, I'm sure, by PTSD (was seriously injured in Afghanistan several years ago). That's not the problem. The problem is that he hasn't had good experiences with therapy and doesn't seem to be in a place to step out of his comfort zone for help. He'll go incommunicado for days, and then will trade a spate of emojis with me. I know I can't "fix" him, but it's frustrating and sad to get glimpses of a pretty cool person who can adapt and change (I see little bits of it and know he has in the past). At this point I'm working on watching my emotions and expectations fluctuate and checking in with myself and trusted folks to figure out if I'm still okay or need to let go and move on.

I feel an enormous amount of empathy for people, especially men, who are so trapped by toxic social messaging that talking about any kind of "weakness" makes them shut down. I salute all of you who are working through it. On a very personal level, I am *so* sick of dating men who can't even take a tiny step forward. I feel like I'm on the mountaintop, spinning around in glorious mental illness pride freedom, and they're playing hide and seek with the Nazis. In an outhouse up to their eyeballs in shit (yes, I am mixing my WWII movies).

Let me make super clear - I am not talking about anyone here. Just the dudes I've dated. StW, KBD (worst), M, and now this boy. Even D, really. ::sigh::

Yes, Liese. Hi!

God yes. I get this even in my friendships, which was somewhat baffling to me until I worked out it was probably a gender oriented societal expectations issue. I'm easy to talk to, so dudes often unburden themselves to me. We'll have a pretty deep exchange, maybe over some time, and then they will friend ghost me. I'll think I pissed them off somehow. And then, months later, they'll pop up again, either totally surface, or all deep and intense again. Lather, rinse, repeat. I finally worked out that I pull this shit out of them and then they get freaked out at having been vulnerable with me and panic and bail.

I haven't worked out what to *do* about it, yet, though! Other than recognize that those friendships are flaky at the moment, and not to rely on them too hard.

I'm sorry I missed your productivity round! I could have used it tonight, seeing as how it's 10:30 here and I'm just now buckling down to work. Um.

Well, I'll need to do another one tomorrow night - want to plan on it? We can do it here if others are interested or via text/fb messenger/skype/whatevs.

I finally worked out that I pull this shit out of them and then they get freaked out at having been vulnerable with me and panic and bail.

Yeah, I think there's some of this. What an exciting exercise it is in realizing it's not about me (check), having empathy for what they're going through (check), and setting boundaries (work in progress). I won't chase after him. Been down that stupid road too many times. I've already checked him once for flaking on me (felt a little bad about that, he had fallen back asleep). I think I have maybe a week left in me of this little emoji dance, but not much more.

As for what to do about it... in theory I could date women, in practice it's been a loooong time since I met a woman I was even interested in. Here they seem to be all polyamorous artsy types (not for me) or conservative country lesbians (*really* not for me).

eta Oh right, productivity. Sent work message, got insurance quote, and I think that's it for tonight.

Suzi, I hope you got some help and I'm sorry CJ let you down.

Message sent to doc, emoji sent to boy, and I'm headed to bed.

It has been a weekend of me doing too much. I already explained Saturday. Today I wanted to go to the farmer's market and had planned on Kelly picking me up so I could take my meds. Well, instead we met there, so I tried just going with my crutch and no meds. That didn't last. I had a meeting to attend from 2-6, so Kelly dropped me off there and took my car home. One of my Con team-mates took me home after dinner. Now I'm home, drugged, feeling zoned but not sleepy. Arg. I'm already planning on working a short day tomorrow anyway, so I'm not going to stress it too much. I can move more than I could on Thursday, but it gets achy pretty quick.

So, I'm trying to enjoy the fact that my futon is as comfortable as I remember it being in the store. I boughts sheets and pillows for it, so I have a functional guest space should anyone ever wanna come hang at Chez Suzi.

I'm also getting involved in the volunteering side of a very small Con that is in a couple of weeks. This is a baby Con compared to DCC. Mostly fan run panels, some guest artists, fairies, and blanket forts. My lead volunteer person was my assistant director at DCC, so it is incestuous Con family time. After today's meeting, the three of us from DCC went out to dinner, played Munchkin, and talked about both Cons.

Yeah, boundaries. I'm not too good with those, either.

I'm totally down for a productivity round tomorrow! I got a little done tonight, but not enough. It's going to be an interesting day, so I'll play it by ear, but I'll pop in here when I can.