Thanks for the support. Sometimes I feel like things are unfair, but I'm not sure because maybe I'm just being selfish. I'm not sure what is reasonable and what isn't. My wife isn't a bad person by any means, she's very caring, really, so I have a hard time not thinking the problem is me. I mean, in many ways the problem is definitely me, I'm a very flawed person... I don't know.
I do take care of bill-paying, taxes, fixing the car (her car is under warranty so I don't have to fix it :) ), 99% of the cooking, 50% of the dishes (the rest split between her and the kids), about 60% of the laundry (the rest split), 80% of the mowing (the kids get the rest), 80% of the vacuuming, most of the kitchen cleaning, most of the decluttering, pretty much all of the garage cleaning, all of the taking-out-the-garbage, most of the garbage collecting, I'm not sure about the bathroom cleaning (I didn't used to do much, but lately I've been doing it because it was getting bad), let's face it, nobody dusts (well I do a little), I've totally dropped the ball on mopping though my wife does do that occasionally or maybe it was my daughter last time, naturally I do anything computer related along with plumbing fixes and household repairs.
She does all the interactions with the school (aside from forms requiring financial information which I deal with), and does all of the driving kids around, and all of the kids' appointments. My daughter is learning to drive and my wife is kinda sore that she's giving lessons and I haven't done any yet, but in my defense I haven't had any time yet either and it's only been a week. I don't think she really understands how hard it is to add a new task to my schedule in a short period of time.
Right now, things are especially tough because she's working on starting her business and I've been taking care of getting her website up and running and update, making and re-making brochures, setting up software, and writing some software for something she wants to offer. Oh and lately, recording and editing video. I'm also trying to work on my audiobook, but I keeping running out of time to make progress.
Well, I will help out some with driving kids around in the fall, but right now I'm literally in another town when the need comes up so I can't physically do it. I'm also at work during most of the appointments while hasn't been (and isn't right now), but maybe I could have taken care of more somehow.
I do take care of bill-paying, taxes, fixing the car (her car is under warranty so I don't have to fix it :) ), 99% of the cooking, 50% of the dishes (the rest split between her and the kids), about 60% of the laundry (the rest split), 80% of the mowing (the kids get the rest), 80% of the vacuuming, most of the kitchen cleaning, most of the decluttering, pretty much all of the garage cleaning, all of the taking-out-the-garbage, most of the garbage collecting, I'm not sure about the bathroom cleaning (I didn't used to do much, but lately I've been doing it because it was getting bad), let's face it, nobody dusts (well I do a little), I've totally dropped the ball on mopping though my wife does do that occasionally or maybe it was my daughter last time, naturally I do anything computer related along with plumbing fixes and household repairs.
There is nothing -- NOTHING -- about that list that qualifies as "lazy."
I know you say that your wife is a caring person, but the way she treats you is not what "caring" looks like. I know you want to see the best in her, but even if she is caring towards other people, she is deeply, deeply unkind to you.
I mean, in many ways the problem is definitely me, I'm a very flawed person
Gud, we are ALL flawed people. Including your wife. The problem is NOT you. I wish so hard that you could see and accept that.
I don't think she really understands how hard it is to add a new task to my schedule in a short period of time.
That's why laying everything out together might be useful.
That's why laying everything out together might be useful.
The problem is that I think that would be a disaster. She could see that as an attack on her and get really angry. Then she'll say it's obvious that I don't want to help her get her business going because I don't care about her... and ugh. I already went through that last weekend.
That, and while she's trying to get things going, she's already under a lot of stress and it wouldn't be fair to her to create more potential stress.
She could see that as an attack on her and get really angry. Then she'll say it's obvious that I don't want to help her get her business going because I don't care about her... and ugh. I already went through that last weekend.
That's not how a caring person acts toward their spouse. It's manipulative, passive-aggressive, and abusive.
she's already under a lot of stress and it wouldn't be fair to her to create more potential stress.
Because you're not under any stress, so it's fair for her to create more stress for you.
Sometimes I feel like things are unfair, but I'm not sure because maybe I'm just being selfish. I'm not sure what is reasonable and what isn't.
I definitely feel like that sometimes. In my case, it's "is this depression or am I just lazy?" And in those situations, it's good to get an external perspective. You're getting it from us, but that's something a therapist could also do.
And when you commented upthread about wanting to go to sleep and not wake up, that's a big red flag for me. You shouldn't feel that way. Your kids shouldn't see you that way or worry about you. You need to explore medication (or a meds adjustment if you're already on some) or therapy or both.
I've always found it hard to be able to put myself outside my feelings and recognize when I'm acting or feeling a certain way that's influenced by depression. I'm getting better at it just through sheer repetition, but it's hard, because the thoughts are coming from inside the house.
