From the picture that I see here, your wife is an abuser, and it doesn't even look grey to me from here, it looks pretty black and white.

This. I've been married pretty much continuously for 44 years and I can say without any doubt that this is not right or normal. This is an abusive relationship and you do not deserve it. No one does.

Can you reread your words as if this was happening to a friend?

Or flip everything as if you behaved toward her as she treats you. You would not and could not imagine treating her that way. Imagine if the significant other of one of your children treated them that way. You would not tolerate it for your children. You should not accept it for yourself.

Believe me, your children watch their parents relationship and accept this is normal and it will carry forward in their relationships. I cannot imagine my children disrespecting their girlfriends because they never saw it in their home.

We are not trying to make you feel worse!!! We want you to love and respect yourself. You deserve better.

Pants! It is a red-letter day, my friends.

Gud, I don't want you to feel like we're piling on, but we *do* care about you. If you're calling your wife's behavior X and at least a dozen of us are calling it Y, don't you think it's worth considering that the majority could be right?

What smonster said is especially helpful, I think. Imagine someone you care about telling you the story you told us. What would you tell him?

I just want to hug you. And I kind of want to sit her down and tell her to look at her choices.

Timelies all!

What they said, Gud. It's not right for you to have to walk on eggshells all the time.

Paaaants.

And I will vote for individual therapy, NOT couple's therapy. I know it feels like there's no time, but I bet you can make time.

It would be time for yourself, which you both need and deserve.

I wish there was a way to tell the ad generators "I've bought my car, you can stop sending me car dealership ads now, thanks."

Gud, I think I remember you saying that you wouldn't consider changing anything until your kids were out of school. If that's the case, at least please try to work on a more realistic and kind attitude towards yourself, no matter what your wife says or believes. You don't deserve to be miserable. You don't deserve to be treated like you're constantly doing horrible things, when you're not.

She's a good person

Not even by crazy troll logic.

Good people don't make other people feel shitty about themselves.

I have the greatest sympathy for anyone who has a loved one too quick to anger.

Perhaps reading about boundaries could help.

Hoping it will work for me before I'm 75.

Also: tommy, Oakland airport is nice and easy. I choose it over SFO every time. Safe travels home to you. And yes, their shuttles start early.