A friend I was with last weekend is seriously thinking about whether it's worth staying in her marriage and the #1 issue is the other person's lack of willingness to work on his own shit.

Oh, that was the reason I left my third serious long-term relationship. (It'd be so much easier to talk about if I'd gotten married. "My third husband.") He was so fucked up, and he totally knew it, and he was 100% unwilling to work on anything. (Still is, although from all reports he's happy now in a relationship with another guy who's also unwilling to work on his shit. They're contentedly in denial together.) He wanted me to take care of all the emotional work, and he didn't have any idea how hard it was.

Man, I am talky meat today. What's up with me.

I turned myself inside out to make them happy, and it was never enough.

Every single relationship I had before Tim, I tried to change myself to be what the other person wanted. I could rattle off a list of the "not [XYZ] enough" for each person, and MAN, did I try so hard to be smarter/prettier/etc., but it never worked. In fact, of the women these fellows ended up with, I would posit they aren't smarter/prettier/etc. than me (look, "pretty" is so fucking subjective that they're pretty in a different way, but not *prettier*) -- they're just different from me. In the end, I wasn't stupid (though my knowledge of particle physics, it's true, is pretty limited [and yes, that was an actual issue with an actual human male]) and I wasn't ugly; I just wasn't the right person. (But I honestly hope that these women aren't walking around feeling stupid/ugly, you know? It's possible I picked guys who were just not nice people. I made poor choices in my past.)

What those wise ladies said, Gud. And I'm sure your therapist would say the same, if he or she is worth their salt. Everyone is worthy of love, everyone.

yes, this, and yes to the specific worthiness of you, Gud

I am not going to comment on the marriage is hard work discussion because I am failing these days at getting any of the hard work done, in my marriage, my parenting, my career, my emotional life, so I don't think I have any good advice to give.

I'm so glad I finally asked for the divorce. It wasn't a partnership anymore. It has been almost 9 years since we split, 7 since the divorce was final. I haven't had another relationship since then, but I've had so much fun rediscovering ME.

There have been a variety of things that have come up over the last 9 years that have reinforced that it was the right decision for me.

Divorce is so hard. Sometimes you just aren't right for each other.

And now I feel like a jackass for my "marriage is enjoyable work!" manifesto posted right after you saying your relationship is rocky, because I know it's the opposite of enjoyable for you. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Not a problem at all.

This is all making me miss Hubby, but in a good way. He was infuriating and stubborn and brilliant and I consciously decided to ignore things that probably should have been addressed, but dammit, we were good together. He told anyone who would listen that he was proud of me, and the quickest way for me to go after someone was for that someone to dis him.

You had a good one, Connie.

I want to hug all of you, except the ones who don't like to be hugged. To you, I shall blow kisses.

I wish I would have had this knowledge and self-confidence before, but then I wouldn't be who I am now.

{{{Connie}}}

Divorce is so hard. Sometimes you just aren't right for each other.

It is. As is breaking up when you didn't marry. It is really hard to admit defeat and failure, and this is often what it feels like. Taking a good look at a relationship (personal or career) and seeing that it is not making you a better person, or is preventing you from becoming a better person isn't easy.

In the decades that followed my divorce each time I felt bad about the failure I had to remind myself that we were not good for each other. I'll never know if we could have "worked" harder and made it succeed, but I don't believe he would have changed, and I had, and it was for the better.

It still feels like work. Adults do not agree on everything, and when it is important things like raising children or health or even finances it is often seriously hard work to respect the other's opinion and work through solutions that work for both. DH and I have the extra fun of running a business together too! It is worth the effort, but there is effort at times.