I turned myself inside out to make them happy, and it was never enough.
Every single relationship I had before Tim, I tried to change myself to be what the other person wanted. I could rattle off a list of the "not [XYZ] enough" for each person, and MAN, did I try so hard to be smarter/prettier/etc., but it never worked. In fact, of the women these fellows ended up with, I would posit they aren't smarter/prettier/etc. than me (look, "pretty" is so fucking subjective that they're pretty in a different way, but not *prettier*) -- they're just different from me. In the end, I wasn't stupid (though my knowledge of particle physics, it's true, is pretty limited [and yes, that was an actual issue with an actual human male]) and I wasn't ugly; I just wasn't the right person. (But I honestly hope that these women aren't walking around feeling stupid/ugly, you know? It's possible I picked guys who were just not nice people. I made poor choices in my past.)
What those wise ladies said, Gud. And I'm sure your therapist would say the same, if he or she is worth their salt. Everyone is worthy of love, everyone.
yes, this, and yes to the specific worthiness of you, Gud
I am not going to comment on the marriage is hard work discussion because I am failing these days at getting any of the hard work done, in my marriage, my parenting, my career, my emotional life, so I don't think I have any good advice to give.
I'm so glad I finally asked for the divorce. It wasn't a partnership anymore. It has been almost 9 years since we split, 7 since the divorce was final. I haven't had another relationship since then, but I've had so much fun rediscovering ME.
There have been a variety of things that have come up over the last 9 years that have reinforced that it was the right decision for me.
Divorce is so hard. Sometimes you just aren't right for each other.
This is all making me miss Hubby, but in a good way. He was infuriating and stubborn and brilliant and I consciously decided to ignore things that probably should have been addressed, but dammit, we were good together. He told anyone who would listen that he was proud of me, and the quickest way for me to go after someone was for that someone to dis him.
You had a good one, Connie.
I want to hug all of you, except the ones who don't like to be hugged. To you, I shall blow kisses.
I wish I would have had this knowledge and self-confidence before, but then I wouldn't be who I am now.
{{{Connie}}}
Divorce is so hard. Sometimes you just aren't right for each other.
It is. As is breaking up when you didn't marry. It is really hard to admit defeat and failure, and this is often what it feels like. Taking a good look at a relationship (personal or career) and seeing that it is not making you a better person, or is preventing you from becoming a better person isn't easy.
In the decades that followed my divorce each time I felt bad about the failure I had to remind myself that we were not good for each other. I'll never know if we could have "worked" harder and made it succeed, but I don't believe he would have changed, and I had, and it was for the better.
It still feels like work. Adults do not agree on everything, and when it is important things like raising children or health or even finances it is often seriously hard work to respect the other's opinion and work through solutions that work for both. DH and I have the extra fun of running a business together too! It is worth the effort, but there is effort at times.
Relationships are not reserved for the elites who have their shit together (hint: they don't exist). Relationships are all about being with someone who adores your flavor of wacky. It's not about measuring up to another person's idea of what a partner should be
Feel this should be repeated. Again and again.
