And here's another thing: sometimes the work in a relationship/marriage isn't about working on the relationship -- it's about working on your own shit. Because oh, my god, has this relationship forced me to work on my shit (and continue to work on it). I mean, I *chose* to work on my shit because (1) I hope it makes me a better person in general, but WAY more important to me (2) I want to BE a better person IN this relationship.

I don't think I'm good enough to be in a relationship.

This? Is patently false. There is no test to determine worthiness for a relationship. Relationships are not reserved for the elites who have their shit together (hint: they don't exist). Relationships are all about being with someone who adores your flavor of wacky.

Seriously. Let me reiterate: SERIOUSLY.

Gud, nobody's perfect, but damn, you are not the source of the problems, there.

I've never been in a relationship that wasn't hard work, and it wasn't rewarding work. It was a price I paid to have someone I thought I loved/needed. I've been in relationships with people who refused to see that we had any work to do, and people who insisted that all the work needed was on me to do. I'm tired of shouldering other peoples' burdens and dragging them to where they say they want to go.

After Melisa died, I found out - and came to realize - a lot of things that should/would have made me walk away. It was painful. I was really angry with her. It was so hard to feel so angry with someone I still loved, who wasn't there to work it out with me. Then someone said to me, "just because she's dead, doesn't mean she wasn't bad for you; she didn't stop being who she was when she died." (He actually said, "A dead jackass doesn't stop being a jackass," but I translated.) It made me feel better, oddly. Like, she was still a person I could have conflicting and painful feelings about.

My DH worked very hard on his first marriage--worked three jobs to put his wife through grad school,went to counseling when she asked, put his own career goals and hobbies on hold because she didn't like them, paid all the bills--and he felt he was letting her down no matter what he did.

He said one day she was angry at him about something and he suddenly had a blinding realization "No matter how much I do, it will never be enough." That allowed him to leave the relationship and once he did that, he saw how much of his sense of himself had been eroded by being with someone who blamed him for everything wrong in her life and in herself.

Mr. Scrappy is wise.

Jesse, that's good! I never count my premiums in my head, because that's money I never see in the first place. Thanks for the reminder to look at it overall.

The only reason I think about it now is that my job has a system where we get to pick from a zillion choices, and now is the time we pick!

I miss him every day, because I loved him regardless. I only ever wanted him to be happy, even if we didn't stay together.

Aw, Maria. Love to you.

Also, I don't think being in or out of a romantic relationship is indicative of goodness.

THAT is the TRUTH. I mean, I know I'm awesome. I'm just not relationshippy.

And here's another thing: sometimes the work in a relationship/marriage isn't about working on the relationship -- it's about working on your own shit.

Also the TRUTH. A friend I was with last weekend is seriously thinking about whether it's worth staying in her marriage and the #1 issue is the other person's lack of willingness to work on his own shit. From the outside, at least, all of his shit looks like stuff a person could work on! But not if they don't want to.

Mr. Scrappy is right.

That's what happened to me, in my relationship with Lewis and Melisa. I turned myself inside out to make them happy, and it was never enough. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. (So did they.) I thought I was a useless terrible person; he told me I didn't deserve the love I got and I believed him. I had one of those blinding epiphanies, on the side of a country road: "Whatever's wrong here, I didn't do it, and I can't fix it." I left, but I'm still struggling with that belief that I'm not good enough to deserve to be loved.

A friend I was with last weekend is seriously thinking about whether it's worth staying in her marriage and the #1 issue is the other person's lack of willingness to work on his own shit.

Oh, that was the reason I left my third serious long-term relationship. (It'd be so much easier to talk about if I'd gotten married. "My third husband.") He was so fucked up, and he totally knew it, and he was 100% unwilling to work on anything. (Still is, although from all reports he's happy now in a relationship with another guy who's also unwilling to work on his shit. They're contentedly in denial together.) He wanted me to take care of all the emotional work, and he didn't have any idea how hard it was.

Man, I am talky meat today. What's up with me.

I turned myself inside out to make them happy, and it was never enough.

Every single relationship I had before Tim, I tried to change myself to be what the other person wanted. I could rattle off a list of the "not [XYZ] enough" for each person, and MAN, did I try so hard to be smarter/prettier/etc., but it never worked. In fact, of the women these fellows ended up with, I would posit they aren't smarter/prettier/etc. than me (look, "pretty" is so fucking subjective that they're pretty in a different way, but not *prettier*) -- they're just different from me. In the end, I wasn't stupid (though my knowledge of particle physics, it's true, is pretty limited [and yes, that was an actual issue with an actual human male]) and I wasn't ugly; I just wasn't the right person. (But I honestly hope that these women aren't walking around feeling stupid/ugly, you know? It's possible I picked guys who were just not nice people. I made poor choices in my past.)

What those wise ladies said, Gud. And I'm sure your therapist would say the same, if he or she is worth their salt. Everyone is worthy of love, everyone.

yes, this, and yes to the specific worthiness of you, Gud

I am not going to comment on the marriage is hard work discussion because I am failing these days at getting any of the hard work done, in my marriage, my parenting, my career, my emotional life, so I don't think I have any good advice to give.

I'm so glad I finally asked for the divorce. It wasn't a partnership anymore. It has been almost 9 years since we split, 7 since the divorce was final. I haven't had another relationship since then, but I've had so much fun rediscovering ME.

There have been a variety of things that have come up over the last 9 years that have reinforced that it was the right decision for me.