I had a couple of missing ita flashes yesterday night and today.

Last night, we went to a bar because friends of ours are leaving for a 3 week assignment in Lithuania. I was flirting with this hot gay guy, and he was impressed when I corectly ID's his military tats. He said something innocently flirty to me and I was all "Back off, man, I can kill you with my delicate lady hands!" (He was really sweet, and adorable.)

He was all "Well, I kind doubt it; after my military service was done, I'm a Corrections Officer at Leavenworth."

I smiled sweetly, and gently chopped him in the trachea while pretending to go for the groin. He was all like "Wow, that's a move I hate, because it's one of the most efficient moves you can make!"

And then I held him (gently) by the ear and mimed whacking the flat of my hand up and into his nose, and he was stunned. He was all "RIGHT ON! Those are exactly the moves guys like me hate -- they can kill you."

I said, "I know. A friend told me to feint for the groin and go for the trach, and/or the nose slam."

ita, I hope your energy felt a happy spark. I was glad, and sad at that same moment.

And I haven't been able to watch SPN since ita died, and I finally watched an ep tonight. It was painful, but good.

Yesterday, I made a new video to introduce Cagney and me to potential landlords, house sitting needers. Whenever I do video, I do full make-up and, for the first time, I used the Black Honey lippy I bought in honor of ita.

I tried to channel her confidence.

It was bittersweet.

I have dug out my Black Honey lippie, and I feel a sweet sad sentimentality whenever I slick it on.

I feel you, bonny.

Matilda has been watching Community lately which means she sings, "Troy and Abed In the Morning!" a lot.

Which makes me think of ita.

There are a lot of things, for me, that still hurt a lot. But I've been wearing a necklace she sent me, which keeps her close.

I use a number of different computers at work, so I've got a picture of ita set as my wallpaper on one. It made me smile with tears at first when I would boot up, now it makes me smile with chest pains, but no tears. It's a picture of her leaning back in a chair or sofa and it makes me feel like I'm sitting there having a conversation with her.

Oh, that's good.

My tube of Black Honey was nearly gone and the new one I ordered just got here. I know how silly it is to not want to throw the empty one away, just because I bought it on her rec, a while back. But I don't want to throw it away. Yet.

I still can't wear her Supernatural shirt I got. I haven't even been able to try it on; it's tucked carefully in a box...and I only now just started watching SPN again. I'll be watching like normal, and this pang will go through me.

I still can't believe she's gone.

And, Bev, I see no need to throw it away. Meaning is meaning.

I got the Night Vale mug today, Lee - thank you so much for sending it.