I use a number of different computers at work, so I've got a picture of ita set as my wallpaper on one. It made me smile with tears at first when I would boot up, now it makes me smile with chest pains, but no tears. It's a picture of her leaning back in a chair or sofa and it makes me feel like I'm sitting there having a conversation with her.

Oh, that's good.

My tube of Black Honey was nearly gone and the new one I ordered just got here. I know how silly it is to not want to throw the empty one away, just because I bought it on her rec, a while back. But I don't want to throw it away. Yet.

I still can't wear her Supernatural shirt I got. I haven't even been able to try it on; it's tucked carefully in a box...and I only now just started watching SPN again. I'll be watching like normal, and this pang will go through me.

I still can't believe she's gone.

And, Bev, I see no need to throw it away. Meaning is meaning.

I got the Night Vale mug today, Lee - thank you so much for sending it.

My tube of Black Honey was nearly gone and the new one I ordered just got here. I know how silly it is to not want to throw the empty one away, just because I bought it on her rec, a while back. But I don't want to throw it away. Yet.

I totally get that.

I was thinking of ita today and yesterday. Yesterday when I got my buzzcut and thinking I should really find a barber for upkeep. It would probably be cheaper.

And I also really want a tattoo, I was thinking of one thing but I keep looking at the purple dragonfly she drew. I want to take that and another dragonfly reference I have to Steph's "family" tattoo artist and ask him to make a custom piece combine the two images with some kind of phrase. I want a phrase that embodies strength, community, and family without actually saying that or being obvious.

So I was driving from one mental health related appointment to the other and thinking about it and I want the tattoo on my inside forearm so I can look at it draw strength from it.

I'm thinking "I carry on" or "I'll carry on" trying to embody Carry On Wayward Sun (for SPN), the Firefly quote “If you can't run, you crawl. If you can't crawl-- you find someone to carry you.” (which sort of embodies community and strength and sharing of burdens) and then just carrying on through my life even when it feels to much and then the way we help each other.

ita would have loved this: [link]

Indeed, Sue.

I don't buzz my hair, won't get a tattoo, don't wear lipstick, and am way too wimpy for martial arts. Don't even watch SPN! It seems to me that there are two ways for me to feel close to ita. The first is to be here, because we both love the Buffistas. And visiting DH's best man who moved back to Jamaica a year or so ago is now higher on my list. I will surely shed even more tears when I feel the warm Jamaican sand and surf between my toes.

How did you all decide to switch your Facebook picture from the pink gingham? I am having issues because it feels so final, and I don't switch a lot as a rule.