One of my writing groups, the ones of us who weren't lesbians did not include husbands in this shared daydream of a farmhouse in the mountains, with wide porches all around, and sheltering trees in front for shade, and room for a garden in back. A place where we could do chores on rotation, and that had nooks and landings and places to sit and read, or write, and we'd all come together for dinner, and wine after, while we read to each other, either something we'd written or something we'd read that was worth sharing. It felt very Buffista-like to me, even while we were building our air castle.

Zen, I'm so sorry about the anxiety, but I'm glad your sister was there and able to help. And that table sounds amazing.

msbelle, I am always awed and inspired by your forethought and determination. I love the idea of you bootling around the country for a year or two before you find the place to settle with a friend or two. With maybe wide porches and a place for a garden.

JZ, -t and Ginger said what I wanted to, as well. Whatever you decide, however you feel, it has no impact on her at all. Be the kindest you can be to yourself--she caused you trauma and misery and you endured it long enough. Let go when you can, but don't make yourself miserable trying to before it's time.

Forgive the lack of graceful segue, but Matt, there's a term for that feline behavior, it's called an attack of the poop demons, which apparently reside in or around the litter box and infect the cat while it's performing its toilette, thus causing it to eject itself forcefully from the box in the effort to escape the poop demon.

One of those cute apartment blocks that's essentially bungalows around a central courtyard.

I am so down for this.

Your forgiveness or lack of it doesn't make any difference to her at this point, and if you're not ready to forgive her, then you aren't; you can't make that happen with moral guilt. (And in my humble opinion, feeling guilty because you can't forgive someone is just a way for them to keep abusing you long after they've gone.)

This. All of this.

I see forgiveness sort of as giving up the right to revenge. Any punishment that can be dealt to an offender becomes the right of the Divine - to teach, or heal, or simply take revenge as Ze sees fit. That does not mean I protect such a person from the natural consequences of their actions, or pretend that one who harmed me is my friend. I dunno how close to genuine forgiveness that is, but in some cases it's the best I can do. And I don't know if that is of any use to you, JZ. You feel what you feel. May there be healing for all broken hearts. May there be repair for all bent, broken, and twisted minds. May love and peace fill up those who do not have a surfeit of them.

One of those cute apartment blocks that's essentially bungalows around a central courtyard.

On my Tom Waits tour we end up in the alleyway in Silverlake where shot the video for "In The Neighborhood" (which was his old neighborhood). One of the locals came out their door to inquire what we were doing and showed us how she and her cousins had all bought properties that shared back yards and the fences were taken down.

So there was this very cool extended, multilevel open garden with lights strung over it and play spaces for kids and benches for sitting and a BBQ pit. Probably like five houses pooling into a common area. It was really cool and lovely.

JZ, there's a line in Gaudy Night where Harriet says that you can't like someone better just because they're ill or dying.

I see forgiveness sort of as giving up the right to revenge.

I like that. Well phrased. I've been musing on the subject of forgiveness a lot the last few months, mostly in the context of my grandmother. To me, forgiveness always felt the same as saying that it didn't matter; they did me no real harm, everything's all right. That's what forgiveness always is to people like my grandmother: they don't care how you feel, they just want to be absolved of all wrongdoing. Forgiveness means they don't have to change. I've had to learn new definitions of forgiveness before I could figure out if I could forgive at all.

Amidst all the serious talk about forgiveness and what we want to do with our lives, I just want to mention that Beverly has me cackling about poop demons and that just now I totally forgot that I'd left up a French sex toy site on the big monitor, which is entirely work related but perhaps inappropriate for visitors.

I killed Natter with sex toys.

It's PMM's birthday today, right?

Oh, man. It looks like a police officer was killed this morning in a shootout with a wingnut with a gun (who was also killed). That's so rough.

t edit Apparently this was the first officer killed in the line of duty since 2000. Dang.