We owe it to ita to keep this place, the place she made, alive and humming.

Agreed. I am going to try to be around more. I always miss you guys, but I never seem to translate that into actually coming here.

Morning MM and Sara me and -t . Soounds like you made the right call sara. I know I didn't sleep well. I stayed up too late to take something to help me sleep.

I didn't mmention this last night bit Will sends his love to everyone.

Practice lots of self care my lovely Buffistas.

Warm thoughts (hug-like or not as you please) to every one who has checked in. Thank you for sharing your love.

As we were lying in bed last night, and I had switched from reading on the iPad to reading on my phone, Lloyd looked over at me and said, "You really miss that place, don't you? You were attached like this before you met me, weren't you? I hope I didn't take you away." Bless him for understanding. He didn't take me a way...life in general did. But, boy is it comforting to be back. Feels like coming home.

Hugs to everyone, and hope you each got at least a little sleep.

Morning, all. Not good, but morning, and here we all are and it *is* good to see everyone's pixels.

I'm a little afraid of the walk to work today - that was when I lost it yesterday, and ended up crying all over the catering delivery lady and a random cardiologist (well, not entirely random - he knows me slightly, and said "Hi" in passing, and then, "Are you okay? You're not okay. What happened?") and one of our fellows, and then going stoic the rest of the day. Except for the parts where I apologized in advance for being stupid, then was stupid, and the person I'd warned just nodded kindly and said, "Don't worry."

There were a few things I never did, once, all day: (1) used the past tense when describing ita. I just couldn't. (2) spoke her name aloud in the same sentence as "died." I couldn't. (3) told anyone about the Buffistas. My co-workers would have gone from empathy to sheer bafflement. Your friends are the people you share meatspace with and do stuff with, not people you share words with, and The Internet People really are all axe murderers, or possibly dogs, and going wretched and stiff and gaspy over one of them is completely nonsensical.

I am "working from home" today because I eventually fell back asleep after being up at 4:00. This is my normal modus operandi- up at 4:00, check the board, back to sleep from 6 - 7 then to work. I don't always say much because the board isn't that active when I am here, but I read a lot.

I don't know why I am posting, but I want to post.

I woke up feeling better, my emotions realigned, and then I remembered, and I felt guilty for feeling slightly okay and functional. Luckily I'm working from home today but I have to be more productive than I was yesterday.

I am going to go get a blueberry donut and watch Parks and Rec.

I'm very grateful that all of you are in my life.

The day after a shock can be very baffling. The world is still there, going about its worldly things, and you have your own worldly things to deal with, but your life's axis had gained a pronounced wobble.

your life's axis had gained a pronounced wobble

Exactly this.

I actually slept last night, pretty solidly, despite my worry last night that I wouldn't be able to sleep. But I'm still exhausted today, which isn't surprising. I'm going to force myself to stick to my to-do list (goddamn quarterly freelance taxes), because otherwise I think I'll just be pinned to the couch by inertia and grief all day.