You know I love to help! ;)

I see what you did there.

Me too.

I didn't actually sleep much, smonster, but I did get very relaxed by Epic's suggestion.

Later, I went see the massage therapist/healer from last week who validated every single thing said here. (without me telling her how awesome/insightful you all are)

She really stressed exactly what Typo said with regards to waiting before saying yes to anything. Plus, that there is a middle ground between letting people take advantage of me and being a banshee.

When we were done, she began changing the sheets on her table. Unconsciously, I leaned over to help finish the sheet. She shrieked at me, "STOP HELPING!, I'm here to help you."

Honestly. I don't even know how.

You are helping people by allowing them to be helpful and useful, and returning the million gestures of friendship you have extended to them over the course of your relationship.

And since avoiding the instant yes is new to you, let me warn you about ways takers will try to undermine it and one good counter. When you mention that you need to think about it (check your calendar or whatever other reason you give) they will try and pressure you into an immediate answer. They may claim a planning deadline, or just imply that a real friend would not have to think about such a simple choice. The counter should be (and I know this will be hard) that if they need an instant answer, the answer is "No". And you will needed to mean it. And I know that is really hard for you. But if someone won't give you time to think, it is because there is a catch they are afraid you will spot. So anyone asking a favor should be give two and only two choices: give you time to think, or accept an instant "No". A really superb negotiator taught me that about business deals, but it works in personal and emotional transactions as well. Objection to your taking time to think is a sign that the asker knows that they are asking is not fair. So "time to think" or "the instant answer is no" should be a hard and fast rule. I mention this because I guarantee that pretty early on in your implementing your new "no instant yes" policy, somebody will try and pressure you into giving an immediate answer. And now you are prepared for this. If you are not sure what I am telling you is important, leave a message for your therapist. I'm pretty sure she will agree.

Oh, God, guilt. My least favorite. But people have done it to me so often, it makes my heart instantly hard, which is probably not fair either.

Well the point is not necessarily guilt. They may claim a deadline or use some other pressure point. The key is that any attempt to pressure for an instant answer should be met by an instant "no". That applies whether guilt is the means of pressure or not. Though I would say attempting to use guilt to get a yes, even if not instant, is another good reason for saying no.

Of course, I guess I read the "real friend" bit.

bonny, listen to Typo and erika. They are wise.

You are helping people by allowing them to be helpful and useful, and returning the million gestures of friendship you have extended to them over the course of your relationship.

How often have you given people the chance to help you when your back wasn't against the wall? The people who care about you take satisfaction from doing nice things for you. Give them the gift of that satisfaction.

The people who care about you take satisfaction from doing nice things for you.

This is a lesson I learned when my mom was sick. So many people feel helpless about helping her not be sick but want to do something. Anything. Allowing people to do little things took some of the weight off my shoulders (though saying I needed help was not in my lexicon) and gave them something productive to do for her which made them feel better.

Actual e-mail exchange with my manager about yearly goals which are up for review in the next month or so.

Me: With my schedule lately I haven’t been able to do much toward a couple of my goals – [professional association] specifically. I should have changed that goal to “say no to x number of requests”. Gah. I’m getting better and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Him: I think your efforts on the [projects] and elsewhere outweighs the [professional association] goals. You should still be able to revise your goals. If it’s not longer applicable, I think you should delete or modify it such that it is applicable. Remember, the idea here is to achieve professional growth and align with and promote [company]Strategy 2015.

a real friend would not have to think about such a simple choice.

I certainly have heard this one. I'm practicing, "If you need to know now, I have to say no."

I went to my landlord just now, after having a conversation with a very nice inspector from the city's Codes and Compliance division.

The inspector instructed me to call them _every time_ something like this happens so that they can keep a 'ticket' open on the property. God forbid something serious happens, they will be prepared.

I told my landlord that I won't ever fight with him again. If I need help in dealing with him from others, I will get it.

I countered his, "You need to be patient. It isn't that big a deal" with Okay, the dishwasher has leaked for two years. The kitchen ceiling have never been painted since the last big leak and, by the way, the water spot up there is growing. I know you will wait until it falls in, but your argument for patience is useless. It's been SEVEN years since you promised to fix the cracks in the walls...and that was before the earthquake! Patience gets me nothing.

"I'm a procrastinator. But, I'll just have to replace the dishwasher. Now, about the ceiling, have you seen _actual_ water dripping from it?"

[Hard swallow to keep from blowing up] The water stain is growing. I have to assume something is causing that. You say 'you'll just replace it'. Right. You've said that several times. I have no reason to believe you.

I ended by saying that I cannot deal with his communication style but that, if he can think of anything I can say that will help him get past whatever he needs to get past, I'll do it.

BUT. From now on, my basic safety and the comfort I should be able to expect in my home will no longer be a conversation between us. He will hear from the city.

I have ZERO hope that this will change anything but, I believe I am addressing the naivete that many folks have been pointing out to me lately and, for now, I can breathe again.