a real friend would not have to think about such a simple choice.

I certainly have heard this one. I'm practicing, "If you need to know now, I have to say no."

I went to my landlord just now, after having a conversation with a very nice inspector from the city's Codes and Compliance division.

The inspector instructed me to call them _every time_ something like this happens so that they can keep a 'ticket' open on the property. God forbid something serious happens, they will be prepared.

I told my landlord that I won't ever fight with him again. If I need help in dealing with him from others, I will get it.

I countered his, "You need to be patient. It isn't that big a deal" with Okay, the dishwasher has leaked for two years. The kitchen ceiling have never been painted since the last big leak and, by the way, the water spot up there is growing. I know you will wait until it falls in, but your argument for patience is useless. It's been SEVEN years since you promised to fix the cracks in the walls...and that was before the earthquake! Patience gets me nothing.

"I'm a procrastinator. But, I'll just have to replace the dishwasher. Now, about the ceiling, have you seen _actual_ water dripping from it?"

[Hard swallow to keep from blowing up] The water stain is growing. I have to assume something is causing that. You say 'you'll just replace it'. Right. You've said that several times. I have no reason to believe you.

I ended by saying that I cannot deal with his communication style but that, if he can think of anything I can say that will help him get past whatever he needs to get past, I'll do it.

BUT. From now on, my basic safety and the comfort I should be able to expect in my home will no longer be a conversation between us. He will hear from the city.

I have ZERO hope that this will change anything but, I believe I am addressing the naivete that many folks have been pointing out to me lately and, for now, I can breathe again.

How often have you given people the chance to help you when your back wasn't against the wall?

Andi, I had to read this question several times...with my head tilting from side to the side like a Pug being asked "Who's a good girl then?"

I'm not even joking.

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

???

If I'm not up against it, I think I just deal. I really have to give that some thought.

Recently a dear mentor and friend turned down my offer to help him move. It was frustrating, because I was looking forward to doing some small thing to help balance the scales, and he wouldn't let me (for whatever reason). Think of the joy and satisfaction you get from helping people... and give them ways to feel that satisfaction by helping you. And that's another way to tell a true friend from an emotional vampire - how do they react when you ask, do they follow through, how do they maintain their boundaries?

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

I can't think of any time I've done this. Why would you ask for help if you weren't in desperate need of it? (That last question was sarcastic, pointed mainly at me and my less-than-a-month-away wedding which has reduced me to tears about 10 times today, once in the grocery store, because OH MY GOD SO MUCH TO DO.)

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

I can't think of any time I've done this. Why would you ask for help if you weren't in desperate need of it?

Ahahahahahahahahaha. (That would the be maniacal laughter of recognition, oh yes.)

Yeah, help is for when you can't handle something on your own. Otherwise, it's asking for someone to hang out while you work on something.

The counter should be (and I know this will be hard) that if they need an instant answer, the answer is "No"

If they balk at that, and want an instant answer, the answer is, "well, if I'm already committed to help someone else, I can't double book myself. How would you like it if I said I would help you, and then a week later back out of it because someone else asked for help after you?"

If that doesn't get them to think a little less selfish, then the answer is "most definitely NO!"

Add me to the list of people who can't bring myself to ask for help until it is almost too late.

Omni, too many openings in your countersuggestion for someone developing new self-defense skills. If you tell them the answer is no unless you have some time to think, and stick to it, 90% of the time they will choose giving time to think over an instant no. You don't want to argue against a skilled predator, especially if you don't have strong skills in that area.

And Bonnie. You described yourself as "naive". That is incorrect. You had boundaries violated by one of the two persons who was supposed to teach how to defend those boundaries. You have to pick up skills in social self-defense on your own. Not surprising that you learned only bare-bones survival self-defense against extreme immediate offense, and not how to defend yourself against people who violate your boundaries slowly, and with limited objectives.

You are awesome for having developed the self-defense skills you already have, especially in being able to cut people off once you realize you need to. Now you are ready to improve those self-defense skills, but no reason to beat yourself up for not having upped them sooner. Again, it is amazing that developed as many social self-defense skill as you have.

And I'm great at giving other people advice. I wish my skills when interacting with other people were at the same level as my advice.