Oh, God, guilt. My least favorite. But people have done it to me so often, it makes my heart instantly hard, which is probably not fair either.

Well the point is not necessarily guilt. They may claim a deadline or use some other pressure point. The key is that any attempt to pressure for an instant answer should be met by an instant "no". That applies whether guilt is the means of pressure or not. Though I would say attempting to use guilt to get a yes, even if not instant, is another good reason for saying no.

Of course, I guess I read the "real friend" bit.

bonny, listen to Typo and erika. They are wise.

You are helping people by allowing them to be helpful and useful, and returning the million gestures of friendship you have extended to them over the course of your relationship.

How often have you given people the chance to help you when your back wasn't against the wall? The people who care about you take satisfaction from doing nice things for you. Give them the gift of that satisfaction.

The people who care about you take satisfaction from doing nice things for you.

This is a lesson I learned when my mom was sick. So many people feel helpless about helping her not be sick but want to do something. Anything. Allowing people to do little things took some of the weight off my shoulders (though saying I needed help was not in my lexicon) and gave them something productive to do for her which made them feel better.

Actual e-mail exchange with my manager about yearly goals which are up for review in the next month or so.

Me: With my schedule lately I haven’t been able to do much toward a couple of my goals – [professional association] specifically. I should have changed that goal to “say no to x number of requests”. Gah. I’m getting better and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Him: I think your efforts on the [projects] and elsewhere outweighs the [professional association] goals. You should still be able to revise your goals. If it’s not longer applicable, I think you should delete or modify it such that it is applicable. Remember, the idea here is to achieve professional growth and align with and promote [company]Strategy 2015.

a real friend would not have to think about such a simple choice.

I certainly have heard this one. I'm practicing, "If you need to know now, I have to say no."

I went to my landlord just now, after having a conversation with a very nice inspector from the city's Codes and Compliance division.

The inspector instructed me to call them _every time_ something like this happens so that they can keep a 'ticket' open on the property. God forbid something serious happens, they will be prepared.

I told my landlord that I won't ever fight with him again. If I need help in dealing with him from others, I will get it.

I countered his, "You need to be patient. It isn't that big a deal" with Okay, the dishwasher has leaked for two years. The kitchen ceiling have never been painted since the last big leak and, by the way, the water spot up there is growing. I know you will wait until it falls in, but your argument for patience is useless. It's been SEVEN years since you promised to fix the cracks in the walls...and that was before the earthquake! Patience gets me nothing.

"I'm a procrastinator. But, I'll just have to replace the dishwasher. Now, about the ceiling, have you seen _actual_ water dripping from it?"

[Hard swallow to keep from blowing up] The water stain is growing. I have to assume something is causing that. You say 'you'll just replace it'. Right. You've said that several times. I have no reason to believe you.

I ended by saying that I cannot deal with his communication style but that, if he can think of anything I can say that will help him get past whatever he needs to get past, I'll do it.

BUT. From now on, my basic safety and the comfort I should be able to expect in my home will no longer be a conversation between us. He will hear from the city.

I have ZERO hope that this will change anything but, I believe I am addressing the naivete that many folks have been pointing out to me lately and, for now, I can breathe again.

How often have you given people the chance to help you when your back wasn't against the wall?

Andi, I had to read this question several times...with my head tilting from side to the side like a Pug being asked "Who's a good girl then?"

I'm not even joking.

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

???

If I'm not up against it, I think I just deal. I really have to give that some thought.

Recently a dear mentor and friend turned down my offer to help him move. It was frustrating, because I was looking forward to doing some small thing to help balance the scales, and he wouldn't let me (for whatever reason). Think of the joy and satisfaction you get from helping people... and give them ways to feel that satisfaction by helping you. And that's another way to tell a true friend from an emotional vampire - how do they react when you ask, do they follow through, how do they maintain their boundaries?

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

I can't think of any time I've done this. Why would you ask for help if you weren't in desperate need of it? (That last question was sarcastic, pointed mainly at me and my less-than-a-month-away wedding which has reduced me to tears about 10 times today, once in the grocery store, because OH MY GOD SO MUCH TO DO.)