smonster, that sounds like a positive work change, so yay!

Marriages can look so different in different circumstances.

I admit I'm baffled by people who say marriage (or a relationship) is HARD WORK, with the tone of voice you'd use to describe mucking out a barn of 1,000 Clydesdales with upset stomachs. "Oh my goddddddddd, marriage is harrrrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrrk!!!!"

For a long time, I wondered if we were doing it wrong, because it's never felt like harrrrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrrk. Then for a while I wondered if our relationship was doomed, since we obviously weren't putting in agonizing effort to maintain it.

But here's the thing: we *do* put work into our relationship, but it's not harrrrrrrd worrrrrrrk, the way so many people have described (seriously, I'm a little aghast at how many people describe their marriages as a fucking Bataan Death March). It's more like -- you know how sometimes having a hobby you love requires a lot of work? Like making a cosplay outfit, or learning to bellydance, or building model trains, or, hell, planting/tending a garden. That's *work*, for sure. But it doesn't feel like agonizing harrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrk, because it's work you love doing.

That's the best way I can describe it. Of course we put work into our relationship, but it's work we love doing. It's not agonizingly hard. I wouldn't be in this relationship if it were agonizingly hard. I'm too fucking lazy for that.

Jeez, was that a #manifesto, or what? I'm talky meat this morning.

smonster, it's good to hear you making positive changes! You deserve everything good.

Steph, you're right, imho. All my relationships have been haarrd worrkk and ultimately ended because I was exhausted with the effort that never got easier. I can barely imagine a relationship like yours. Probably why I've been single for more than a decade. I don't have that extraordinary effort to give anymore.

I can barely imagine a relationship like yours.

I got unbelievably lucky meeting someone who can deal with all of my baggage (seriously, the man has infinite fucking patience for some shit I never talk about here). He's one in a bazillion in terms of compatibility. But we do the work. It's just enjoyable work.

Of course we put work into our relationship, but it's work we love doing. It's not agonizingly hard. I wouldn't be in this relationship if it were agonizingly hard

Yes yes yes. I don't know why people think marriage is supposed to be lounging at poolside with a cabana boy bringing you fruity drinks and bon bons. It's two people (or maybe more, I won't judge) negotiating life, which is never a cakewalk. But you agreed to do it together, hopefully with someone who can brace up the weak parts on either side.

Running marathons is hard work too, but people do it anyway.

I want the kind of relationship that makes negotiating life easier, not harder.

Wow, I think I just had a breakthrough.

100% agree with Tep, manifesto and Zen's revelation. I have never found my marriage with ND hard work, or even particularly that much work at all. Our lives can be haaaarrrdd work, but our marriage isn't.

Our lives can be haaaarrrdd work, but our marriage isn't.

Oh jeez, our lives can get hard as hell. But our marriage makes that part easier, or at least easier to get through.

t missing the like and love buttons

smonster, it's good to hear you making positive changes! You deserve everything good.

Yes, This!

My marriage is never hard work for me, but compromises, and/or agreeing to disagree at times is needed. Children add another level of complication to marriage, but they do in general! But 100% the fun stuff is more fun and the hard stuff is less burdensome.

It might be hard work if you have the personality type that has to have their won way all the time, and I know some in this category that can't manage to keep a relationship solid. My experience is that if you are committed to things working out then you are mindful of the other person's needs/phobias/buttons and decide to work through obstacles that appear.

In 5 days I celebrate my 26th wedding anniversary!! If I count the previous marriages I have been married 42 years, or twice as long as I spent single. Me = old.