Smonster, I'm glad you have a chance to move into something better for you.

Marriages can look so different in different circumstances. My sister (8 years older than me) and I have very different pictures of our parents' marriage because a lot of stressors--and the ways they reacted to them--occurred after my sister had left for college, marriage, etc. It use to amuse and/or infuriate me how much they'd work to present as happy, together married people for her and how much they didn't (or tried and failed, I guess) for me. Epic passive aggression interspersed by the occasion outburst of yelling is what marriage looks like? Yeah, I'll pass, thanks.

smonster, that sounds like a positive work change, so yay!

Marriages can look so different in different circumstances.

I admit I'm baffled by people who say marriage (or a relationship) is HARD WORK, with the tone of voice you'd use to describe mucking out a barn of 1,000 Clydesdales with upset stomachs. "Oh my goddddddddd, marriage is harrrrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrrk!!!!"

For a long time, I wondered if we were doing it wrong, because it's never felt like harrrrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrrk. Then for a while I wondered if our relationship was doomed, since we obviously weren't putting in agonizing effort to maintain it.

But here's the thing: we *do* put work into our relationship, but it's not harrrrrrrd worrrrrrrk, the way so many people have described (seriously, I'm a little aghast at how many people describe their marriages as a fucking Bataan Death March). It's more like -- you know how sometimes having a hobby you love requires a lot of work? Like making a cosplay outfit, or learning to bellydance, or building model trains, or, hell, planting/tending a garden. That's *work*, for sure. But it doesn't feel like agonizing harrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrk, because it's work you love doing.

That's the best way I can describe it. Of course we put work into our relationship, but it's work we love doing. It's not agonizingly hard. I wouldn't be in this relationship if it were agonizingly hard. I'm too fucking lazy for that.

Jeez, was that a #manifesto, or what? I'm talky meat this morning.

smonster, it's good to hear you making positive changes! You deserve everything good.

Steph, you're right, imho. All my relationships have been haarrd worrkk and ultimately ended because I was exhausted with the effort that never got easier. I can barely imagine a relationship like yours. Probably why I've been single for more than a decade. I don't have that extraordinary effort to give anymore.

I can barely imagine a relationship like yours.

I got unbelievably lucky meeting someone who can deal with all of my baggage (seriously, the man has infinite fucking patience for some shit I never talk about here). He's one in a bazillion in terms of compatibility. But we do the work. It's just enjoyable work.

Of course we put work into our relationship, but it's work we love doing. It's not agonizingly hard. I wouldn't be in this relationship if it were agonizingly hard

Yes yes yes. I don't know why people think marriage is supposed to be lounging at poolside with a cabana boy bringing you fruity drinks and bon bons. It's two people (or maybe more, I won't judge) negotiating life, which is never a cakewalk. But you agreed to do it together, hopefully with someone who can brace up the weak parts on either side.

Running marathons is hard work too, but people do it anyway.

I want the kind of relationship that makes negotiating life easier, not harder.

Wow, I think I just had a breakthrough.

100% agree with Tep, manifesto and Zen's revelation. I have never found my marriage with ND hard work, or even particularly that much work at all. Our lives can be haaaarrrdd work, but our marriage isn't.

Our lives can be haaaarrrdd work, but our marriage isn't.

Oh jeez, our lives can get hard as hell. But our marriage makes that part easier, or at least easier to get through.

t missing the like and love buttons