Sorry for the triggers. I think a lot of how people from the outside view a person's relationship is absurdly skewed. To be all mememe I am sure this is why I see my step-dad so differently than my 3 sibs. They all had horrible disastrous short marriages while Mom and I both have had lengthy happy marriages. We do strike out at those closest to us when we are in pain, and people in long term relationships seem to get this more than others. Obviously, there are real damn good reasons why we tell loved ones they need to get the hell out, but sometimes we aren't seeing the whole picture.

askye, glad to hear you had a good day.

Connie, that sounds tough. Hard to judge a relationship from the outside.

BEHOLD MY ADULTING. Sorry for asscaps. Today I had a good therapy session and she lent me a book and suggested a workbook for us to go through. I took my first dose of Effexor, which made me loopy AF so I'm glad I started on a day off. I went and met with my mentor, and it looks like in a month or so I'm going to quit my current job and go work with him. It's going to be a challenge for me, but more flexibility and support. After four years I'm just worn out from the chaos and I've regressed in terms of my level and variety of responsibilities.

Ran a couple other errands, then came home and put away laundry and sorted paperwork. I updated my budget software, and as a reward bought myself a needed pair of casual sneakers (ADIDAS, going back to the 90s) and a plane ticket back to NC to see my sister and attend a rugby reunion.

And typing all this has made me realized I scheduled a hair appt and doc appt for a day when I'm scheduled to volunteer, but I have time to fix that.

Connie, I can see how that can hurt either way.

smonster, it's good to see you taking care of yourself and making plans to have a happier work life.

Smonster, self care is good and I'm glad you talked with your mentor.

My self care today was spending time with relatives, playing south two different adorable babies and visiting wonderful friends. I'm now at my bnb, pleasantly drink, waiting for my cousin to deliver my son from the airport tipi the bnb.

Smonster, I'm glad you have a chance to move into something better for you.

Marriages can look so different in different circumstances. My sister (8 years older than me) and I have very different pictures of our parents' marriage because a lot of stressors--and the ways they reacted to them--occurred after my sister had left for college, marriage, etc. It use to amuse and/or infuriate me how much they'd work to present as happy, together married people for her and how much they didn't (or tried and failed, I guess) for me. Epic passive aggression interspersed by the occasion outburst of yelling is what marriage looks like? Yeah, I'll pass, thanks.

smonster, that sounds like a positive work change, so yay!

Marriages can look so different in different circumstances.

I admit I'm baffled by people who say marriage (or a relationship) is HARD WORK, with the tone of voice you'd use to describe mucking out a barn of 1,000 Clydesdales with upset stomachs. "Oh my goddddddddd, marriage is harrrrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrrk!!!!"

For a long time, I wondered if we were doing it wrong, because it's never felt like harrrrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrrk. Then for a while I wondered if our relationship was doomed, since we obviously weren't putting in agonizing effort to maintain it.

But here's the thing: we *do* put work into our relationship, but it's not harrrrrrrd worrrrrrrk, the way so many people have described (seriously, I'm a little aghast at how many people describe their marriages as a fucking Bataan Death March). It's more like -- you know how sometimes having a hobby you love requires a lot of work? Like making a cosplay outfit, or learning to bellydance, or building model trains, or, hell, planting/tending a garden. That's *work*, for sure. But it doesn't feel like agonizing harrrrrrrrd worrrrrrrrk, because it's work you love doing.

That's the best way I can describe it. Of course we put work into our relationship, but it's work we love doing. It's not agonizingly hard. I wouldn't be in this relationship if it were agonizingly hard. I'm too fucking lazy for that.

Jeez, was that a #manifesto, or what? I'm talky meat this morning.

smonster, it's good to hear you making positive changes! You deserve everything good.

Steph, you're right, imho. All my relationships have been haarrd worrkk and ultimately ended because I was exhausted with the effort that never got easier. I can barely imagine a relationship like yours. Probably why I've been single for more than a decade. I don't have that extraordinary effort to give anymore.

I can barely imagine a relationship like yours.

I got unbelievably lucky meeting someone who can deal with all of my baggage (seriously, the man has infinite fucking patience for some shit I never talk about here). He's one in a bazillion in terms of compatibility. But we do the work. It's just enjoyable work.

Of course we put work into our relationship, but it's work we love doing. It's not agonizingly hard. I wouldn't be in this relationship if it were agonizingly hard

Yes yes yes. I don't know why people think marriage is supposed to be lounging at poolside with a cabana boy bringing you fruity drinks and bon bons. It's two people (or maybe more, I won't judge) negotiating life, which is never a cakewalk. But you agreed to do it together, hopefully with someone who can brace up the weak parts on either side.

Running marathons is hard work too, but people do it anyway.