What everyone else said, and of I were more articulate, I'd be saying a version especially of what t- and Ginger said.

MD consultation, and the higher power thing I've come to understand is similar to what Ginger said, it's important to come to really get in your core that you can't do it alone, to be more humble about what degree of control YOU have, and this is a good thing, kind of a nature always bats last thing.

We all enjoy talking about grammar and other fun things and venting/ poking fun at people who get those things wrong, but really? Being kind is more important. Kind to yourself, kind to others.

I would bet some kind of root went onto the making of that hot and sour soup.

Beth, vonnie k (from LJ and now DW) lives and works in Pittsburgh, or did last I knew. Consuela may be able to do an introduction if you don't know her already.

Try to see Fallingwater by FLW while you're in the area. If you venture afield, my hometown of Ligonier is nothing to sneeze at, if you like historic forts, beautiful scenery, covered bridge, old stone barns, horses frolicking in bucolic fields. Google Rolling Rock Farms, no direct relationship to the brew, Linn Run State Park, Laughlintown, Compass Inn. There's a FLW house somewhere around there that you can rent for nightly stays now. Pittsburgh is gorgeous now, too.

I went to college in Pennsylvania, and this time of year is Homecoming, which is called the Autumn Leaf Festival. Northwest Pennsylvania, next to a state forest. We played to our strengths, and they were strong.

Strix - I'm glad to hear that you recognize that you need help, because you really do. I hope you mean it and follow through. I started getting worried about the weekend and you a few days before when you kept asking the same questions again and again, in increasingly incoherent fashion.

I think it would have been more mature to email those of us who were there privately, but you did it in thread so I am going to respond in thread. This can also help keep you accountable, if you so choose.

You were a hot mess the entire. weekend. Here are some of the not-so-highlights:

• Trying to leave your makeup for me in my pantry, instead of in my bedroom where you had just been
• Unable to figure out how to lock my back door
• Unable to follow directions or use your GPS to get to the Quarter, despite me telling you several times and you taking notes
• Difficulty using an ATM
• Telling friends of mine that you had just met that you and I had crazy sex on Gallifrey
• Flashing your boobs at Nora during the party
• Unable to keep up with conversation at almost any time

You had only brief moments of coherence. It was difficult and energy-consuming to keep you on track. Your behavior was triggering to those who grew up with substance abuse. You somehow left an "I love you" message for some random dude who was not your husband; he called you back the next day and was not pleased.

I could go on and on. I had a great weekend, but it was most definitely marred by your behavior and its effect on our group. You owe all of us an apology, but mostly you need to get help.

I also say you need to try several NA groups before deciding that it's not for you and echo that Dan needs to get into a group as well or at least talk to a therapist. If you want people to keep you accountable, an NA or AA group is a good place for that. I went to a few open meetings when I was going to Al-Anon and they have heard every excuse and they will call you on your shit.

Frankly, wanting a group full of "geniuses and atheists" sounds like you have stereotypes about who goes to those meetings and are using that as an excuse not to try them. From my experience in groups, there are plenty of smart people from all walks and you may be surprised who says the thing you need to hear, who tells a story that sounds very much like your own.

Bitches - I hope everyone here knows me well enough to recognize that these are not things that I would say lightly. I will fully cop to being angry; I don't believe I will have any regrets about anything I've said or how I've said it.

One more time for emphasis - the best way to make it up to me and everyone is to get serious about getting help.

Peace and love to all my Bitches.

smonster out

...and now I'm all Person of Interest thinking.

Root would suggest The Machine as your higher power. But the more I think about it the more I think that would be of comfort only to Root. Believing in Cats is good. ~Ma as the collective love and good will of B.org? Also good. Not as likely to send Mr. Reese and Bear to check on how you're doing, but still... good.

ETA: After smonster's post, I hope this comes across as supportive levity rather than taking things too lightly. All my heart goes out to you in this struggle, Strix, hoping you get the help you need.

I'm also sending loving ~ma out to you, smonster. That cannot have been easy to type out, or to experience.

I'll just note that I didn't see a lot of smonster's examples, but I was also concerned that weekend (and could make my own list), and hope you can get serious about getting help, Strix.

What WS said, smonster.

I did witness some of smonster's examples, while also seeing other things that concerned me as well. Strix, please do not delay in getting help. While your husband is a great support, he is not the one that has to do this. You do. Don't rule anything that could help out--not NA, not in-patient treatment--because the addiction doesn't care about spelling or a belief system. I'm pulling for you so much, and I will support you in any way I can, but I echo Laura's sentiments upthread. We will call you out on enabling behavior and excuses. Much love and strength to you and D.