...and now I'm all Person of Interest thinking.

Root would suggest The Machine as your higher power. But the more I think about it the more I think that would be of comfort only to Root. Believing in Cats is good. ~Ma as the collective love and good will of B.org? Also good. Not as likely to send Mr. Reese and Bear to check on how you're doing, but still... good.

ETA: After smonster's post, I hope this comes across as supportive levity rather than taking things too lightly. All my heart goes out to you in this struggle, Strix, hoping you get the help you need.

I'm also sending loving ~ma out to you, smonster. That cannot have been easy to type out, or to experience.

I'll just note that I didn't see a lot of smonster's examples, but I was also concerned that weekend (and could make my own list), and hope you can get serious about getting help, Strix.

What WS said, smonster.

I did witness some of smonster's examples, while also seeing other things that concerned me as well. Strix, please do not delay in getting help. While your husband is a great support, he is not the one that has to do this. You do. Don't rule anything that could help out--not NA, not in-patient treatment--because the addiction doesn't care about spelling or a belief system. I'm pulling for you so much, and I will support you in any way I can, but I echo Laura's sentiments upthread. We will call you out on enabling behavior and excuses. Much love and strength to you and D.

So. I was in New Orleans that weekend too. You asked me several times that weekend what my name was. You continued to tag the wrong people in your pictures because you literally did not know who you were with.

Strix, I am not sure what prompted your post (maybe it was just now realizing that you couldn't remember how you got home from NOLA?) but I am glad for whatever caused the epiphany.

I agree with Smonster that I wish you had handled this privately, because responding here might make it appear that we are piling up on you, and that is not our goal.

I couldn't make a connection with you at all that weekend because you could not look people in the eye and have any kind of coherent conversation. And your slurring and general affect reminded me too much of substance abusers I've known, and I do not engage once I am triggered in that way.

You would disappear out of the blue when the group was together, wandering off lost and not able to navigate back to us. All of us felt the constant pressure to keep you on track, several of us sadly muttering "I didn't come to NOLA to babysit someone" at various times during the weekend.

You did not ruin Smonster's birthday, because the rest of us wouldn't let that happen.

We want you to get help. Thorough help.

I wouldn't invest an iota of time to write a response here if I didn't truly think you are a kind-hearted, well-meaning individual.

But I am going to take this a step further and say it's not just the NOLA weekend, my friend. I don't actually know if all of your issues are related to the drug use, because in the ten years I've observed you on the board, you've had multiple significant issues.

I know you struggle with depression and it's a helluva beast. I also know you have tried to set up a business but are unable to follow through on your obligations to clients. I know Buffistas who have attempted to support you and your burgeoning freelance career only to have the work you promise happen months late or not at all. Life happens, all of us goof up sometimes, but it’s a distinct and longstanding pattern with you.

And you know, I wouldn't bring that up AT ALL if not for your comment about seeking only help from "geniuses, scientists, and atheists" because wow did that sound elitist. And to say you were turned off by one group because their website had “to” and “too” mixed up?

Strix, you yourself have many spelling/typo/grammar issues on your own business's page, and unlike a drug abuse support group, you purport to be an editor. Do you see how that appears? I think it would be useful to you to really look at how you perceive yourself and how you're coming across.

You say you're trying to build a career, and now seek help for drug addiction, but comments about grammar on support group websites just make me shake my head and wonder if you’re really willing and ready to confront your deep issues.

Drug use, and life problems are suffered by people all over the world from all walks of life, and, as Smonster pointed out, you can gain insight and awareness sometimes in the most unexpected places. I truly hope you will read my post a few times and be honest with yourself. I *know* it’s going to be hard to read this. This is hard to write. But I care about you enough to put it out there.

I look forward to seeing you get comprehensive help and getting your life on track and seeing the transformation into the person I truly think you can be.

I was working on a post, but smonster, Maria, and Nanita said everything I could have thought of, and said it with more courage and eloquence than I could have mustered. I co-sign it all, but please know that though there is anger and frustration behind some of these words, there's genuine concern and desire to see you get real help and come out the other side of this. Nanita's last sentence couldn't have said it better.

Hence, my cats. Because she is being exactly what I need her to be right now and I know that Hec is going to excoriate me for this. He would totally understand and applaud if I cut off all my hair, but a cat? Total intellectual annihilation.

Awww, no I wouldn't. Whatever gets you through the night.

You see me posting cat videos on my friend Rio's page all the time because I know it cheers her up and she's digging out of a big hole.

I love you. I only want you healthy and happy and strong. Whatever it takes to get there, Strix.

eta:

Well, "whatever gets you through the night" was a poor choice of words considering the Ambien. Whatever helps you face your issues is I guess what I'm hoping for you.

You know we want you to be well. But it does sound like the reckoning is at hand, and reading Nanita and smonster's posts, I would hope you would find the strength and courage for self-honesty. A "fearless moral inventory" as it were.

I was watching SPN and AHS, so I just saw these posts.

First, an apology. I'm not angry, nor do I feel piled upon. I'm sorry for my behavior in NOLA. I thought I could act like a normal person, and I hoped that I could, but I deluded myself. It was unfair to impose my troubles on all of you by going to NOLA. I would be angry, too, smonster, and I'm so glad that your birthday wasn't ruined.

There's no secondly. Anything else would be me babbling about my feelings, and apologies are about other people's feelings. I hurt other people, and I never wanted that, never want that.

We're here for you, Strix.

All my good thoughts and strength to you, Strix, and to everyone. What a brutal, tough weekend to get through, protecting yourselves and one another and all the time meaning to be there for something so joyful as the amazingness that is smonster. My heart is twisting for everyone who had to push through all that, and this.

Seconding what everyone else said about groups -- not that I have any experience of those particular groups, but I know that I've never been part of any large-ish group of people apparently wildly different from me and from each other without having the ass of my brain and ego very helpfully kicked at some point, often by the last person I would have snootily expected to be capable of such a kicking. Not fun - in fact, pretty much the exact opposite - but salutary. Embiggening, even when it stung.

All my good thoughts, the best of them, for healing and steadying hands and the calling-out of bullshit and grace and patience.