Connie, I hate to make my business stuff anyone else's responsibility. After all, it's my choice to have my office in my home. On the other hand, we are in business together and I've never said anything when we were out meeting other people, no matter how uncomfortable it's been. I always imagined telling her that other people are probably noticing would be even worse.

Maybe if I'd done that, it would have felt less personal? Ugh. I refuse to make excuses using things I can't control, so it never seemed right to bring other people into it.

bonny -- she's being a snot. You were kind, and made all kinds of gentle accommodations. This is your WORKPLACE; it MUST be clean and smell clean or neutral. If she's butthurt, then she needs to get over it -- preferably in the shower. "

There are TONS of products which are non-toxic which which she can wash, and natural, non-toxic, organic deodorants. When I first started dating Dan, he wore Old Spice deodorant, which wasn't cutting it, and I can't tolerate BO. I am very sensitive to smells, so I bought him a different ANTIPERSPIRANT, and told him that Old Spice reminds me of my dad, and that was NOT SEXY to me.

She's being unreasonable, and you have a legit reason to be pissed. I don't blame you. She needs a cluestick. A nice-smelling one.

I very rarely wear antipersperant unless it's summer and I'm outdoors a lot. I shower every two-three days, and just don't generally produce a lot of stink within 2 days. But I self-check my pits and if I whiff, I'm in the shower tout de suite.

(I'm also like a hairless cat -- the ONLY think I inherited from my Pawnee great-great grandmother -- I shave my 3 pit hairs (seriously) once a year, never have to deal with a bikini line, and only shave halfway up my shins in the summer -- in the winter, I pretty much let it go for 4 months and it gets to be about 1/8 inch.)

Tangent. But you're in the right, and she's being a rude pill. If I stank or had stuff on my face, I'd want to know. I have my dad's stinky feet, and my friends have no compunctions about telling me to go wash my feet or put on clean socks, and I AM HAPPY TO KNOW.

I can imagine that it's difficult.

As Mom has gotten older she sweats more and it's much stronger. She'd made some comments and at one point I very kindly mentioned I'd seen some prescription strength deodorant/anti persperaint and maybe she wanted to try that. She was hurt that I mentioned it at all, but she'd previously talked about it and asked for suggestions.

So anyone can be hurt. Hopefully it's a temporary thing and she'll understand you were trying to be kind.

Huge fucking deal-breaker for me.I had an attendant that did that...it took me days to work up the nerve to talk to her about it, and then she was like "I'm not getting cancer to make you feel better." It took every drop of courtesy not to be all "Why not? You smell like death." (But part of that wasn't really about her, though it was a bit more than I could stand, on like,a close contact basis. My real problem was a living situation where EVERYTHING personal about me was open for discussion/mockery and yet when this person's smell came in the room before she did, they were all "Well, we're her employers, that would be intruding to ask her not to smell like that." Gee, can't have that! ETA: Bonny, I don't think youdid anything wrong--probably everyone else in her life is just chicken to say anything. Or they can't smell, like my father.

Whoa, bonny. I feel you, muchly. I had a roommate once, who didn't wear deodorant or antiperspirant, and I suspect didn't shower often either. She smelled bad. I didn't say anything. I figured it wasn't my business, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Finally one day I mentioned it to my boyfriend, who was apparently oblivious to the smell of her, that I was getting to the point I couldn't stand it anymore but I didn't know how to deal with it. He walked up to her and told her she stank and I was bothered and she should bathe more! Oh holy shit. I was mortified. She was furious. He didn't understand why we were mad. And of course she was mad at ME, not him. She didn't change her habits, and she moved out shortly thereafter.

I think you handled it as well as possible. You could have lied, but what lie could you have told that would have covered all subsequent visits? "The couch cover's in the laundry. Yeah, forever." If she chooses not to wear anti-stink stuff, then she has to be aware that she's going to stink. Humans are stinky. Getting hurt is a normal reaction, but she ought not blame you; it was her decision.

If her hair is often greasy, then she's either wearing too much hair product or she's not showering often enough, which would lead one to suspect depression, which is... sad, but not a reason for you to suffer the stink. Just because her smell is natural, doesn't mean she should expect everyone to enjoy it. Also also, there's no real evidence that antiperspirants cause cancer, and there's never been any evidence that deodorants do. Even if she's still wary of antiperspirants, there are lots of perfectly harmless deodorants she could try. She needs to deal with her hygiene. Stinking out loud and expecting everyone around her to be totally fine with it is not reasonable.

Zen, no hair product. Like me, she wears no makeup and is immune to fashion.

I do think she is depressed. Which says to me that her medication needs adjusting. But, it's also true that, when she is feeling low, she comes to me, and we work it out until she feels balanced. Or maybe she's just pretending that she feels better.

In any case, this has been a long-standing issue for which I can only do so much.

Now that I'm past the pissed off phase, I'm just sad that after everything we've been through together and how much I have helped/supported her, my asking for a simple thing can shake her so badly.

I suppose it is arrogant of me to think, 'but it's ME! I've loved and supported you for a decade. When do I get the benefit of the doubt that I'd never purposely hurt you?'

erika, I can't imagine a care provider not, you know caring. That's even more offensive to my way of thinking.

I suppose it is arrogant of me to think, 'but it's ME! I've loved and supported you for a decade. When do I get the benefit of the doubt that I'd never purposely hurt you?

Some people are very sensitive to body image criticism, or what they perceive as crit. I've had to address BO issues with employees, and it's awkward, but my tutoring program with him as the tutor was losing clients because he smelled SO. VERY.AWFUL. It lingered in our whole large office after he came in to consult or drop off paperwork.

She's your business partner, or at least a colleague who shares office space. It's her obligation to present a professional front to clients, and that includes appropriate hygiene. You are in the right.

I wish I could come in as a one-time client for her, and leave after 10 minutes after telling her, "I'm very sorry, but I can't concentrate on my issues because your body odor is overpowering, it's unprofessional, and I need to leave. I won't be using your services again, and will recommend to friends and acquaintances not to use your services. You are an excellent coach, but your hygiene is so distracting I can't focus."

(If you were rich, fly me to DC, I'll do it, AND I'll stand in as a stellar dog walker until you can hire 4 peeps! ;) )

Yeah, I'm a bitch and wouldn't put up with that shit. Take more frequent showers or quit reading hippie websites about cancer, or use something natural, whatever--but I don't work with stinky.

Wrod, meara!