What everyone said, bonny. I never know how to address these issues myself, but I'm aware that I sweat a lot, so for me, it's showers and deodorants before work/full day out and sometimes I'll use it again if I have to. I'm sensitive to a bizarre selection of smells, of myself and others. But I never knew how to tell others that their smell is too strong, whether it was due to lack of showers or too much perfume.

Oh! i forgot to say, Shir, that your new kitties are gorgeous,and I wish you years of happiness, laughter and love with them. They are both so very pretty!

(And you KNOW if you have cat questions, you have a plethora od cat-lovin' Buffistas to hook you up with answers!)

Believe me, once stink is in upholstery, it's a pain to get out. My favorite recliner has picked up a funk, and Lysol, baking soda, and Febreeze have failed to remove it. My next attemp to defunk will involve cheap vodka in a spray bottle, a trick a costumer friend recommended.

According to Mythbusters, cheap vodka is a miracle substance.

It certainly was when I was in high school...

I am sorry to report it is escalating.

She sent an email saying that she is just not comfortable coming to my house (at all) anymore because, after a poll of her family, she feels her level hygiene is sufficient.

She won't come because she has never been told that she is unwelcome to use the furniture in anyone's house.

I've asked that we take the conversation off email so that she can hear what I think she missed in what I actually said. But I don't know.

eta: phone call has happened. I think I fixed it, but just feel deflated. She really had gone off into a whole scenario in her head that had nothing to do with what I said. The most understandable part is that she is now worried that I'm going to be judging her every time she walks in the door.

I did everything I could to skirt the line between the fact that her smell really doesn't bother me at all, except where it is transferred to the furniture and indulging in her fantasy that she doesn't smell at all.

I'll give her credit for assuming that her husband (who doesn't like me anyway, mores the pity) is protecting her by saying that she doesn't smell.

Some people are really fragile, bonny, and friendships with them are equally fragile. I've had friends that I've had to basically keep proving over and over that I really was their friend. No matter what we went through together, it wasn't enough; the relationship, and I, were forever on probation. One thing, any thing, that upset them was enough to "prove" that I wasn't really their friend after all and bring the whole relationship crashing down. To mend things with them required a huge outpouring of energy from me to reassure them. People like that are a black hole of loving energy, and can't give much trust back. Loving them is like living in a minefield; you put one foot wrong and the whole thing blows up in your face. I can't do it. I don't know many people who can do it, for long. Unfortunately, such people take every breakup as proof that other people lie when they say they love you, and they become even more bitter and wary. You want to fix them, but you can't, because that would require pointing out a flaw, and well... boom.

Bonny, you are not responsible for how she reacts, but you are responsible for how you react to her. Evidently, the relationship is not as strong as you thought if it can't survive this.

If she only comes to you when she's feeling low, then you're her therapist, not her friend. It is not your responsibility to fix her. I know her response hurts, but it's not about you at all. It's also not up to you to fix it.

I second everything Maria and Zen just said.

Also, humans widely vary in what they're able to smell, and how much, and how they respond to it. Maybe her husband can't smell her or not enough to be bothered by it; that doesn't negate the fact that you do and you are, nor does it negate the need for basic hygiene.

That's just not, to me, a normal reaction. If you (general "you") are bathing regularly and wearing deodorant, you can be reasonably assured that you don't smell bad on an ordinary day when you didn't just run a marathon. If a friend then tells you that you smell strongly enough it's permeating their furniture, something is wrong. The reasonable response is not "no, I don't, you're just being mean!" This is not a stranger on the subway, it's your friend. Even if it's just the one person who's bothered, you could, say, wear extra deodorant when you go see that person. Or bathe right before. Do something. Getting your husband to reassure you that you don't really smell doesn't change anything.