Connie, please don't feel you need to hold anything back you need to say; we can take it.

Shir, how are you?

I want him so badly, a little voice keeps saying "You could go to him, and you'll never be without him again." But so many people would be even more devastated, thinking they'd failed me. Billions of spouses have gone through this. I have to believe that there will be happiness, that it won't always be a thing of "If only he was here."

Everything you feel is normal. I believe taking advantage of whatever Huntsman has to offer would be a good plan. I should have done so, but didn't, should have. My sister had been widowed 2 years before me so I went and stayed with her for about 6 weeks. This helped so much because I had her reassurance that all my emotions in a million directions were okay.

It has been 27 years and I still think "If only he was here." Only now it is a feeling I get when I experience something I know he would enjoy, and it is a warm loving memory and not a stabbing pain. I don't know how long it takes, it sure isn't a short and direct road.

Love you. Do what you feel will help because you know yourself best. Know that first so many wish you never had to know this pain, and second, so many want to help if we can.

A bizarre notion that has crossed my mind more than a few times over the years that I will share to express how all thoughts are normal. In most cases one spouse leaves first and all things considered I now know that I was better equipped to live through it. As brutal as the experience was for me, he would have been completely destroyed. Somehow the universe knows these things.

Okay, too much memememe.

Shir, how are you?

Complicated. At work things are mostly good, and I guess I am fine, all in all. I'm looking for an apartment in Jerusalem.

I'm OK and don't need hairpats, but I'm writing the following paragraphs just so you'll know.

Around me, politically, it's scary. Shuafat is one of the neighborhoods that is close to mine, and my heart goes out to them. I hear the shootings, the helicopters, the ambulances. It is so weird to see the junction leading to it closed on their side. Things now are really tense, and not just in Jerusalem, but everywhere. The extremists from all sides are starting to show their faces and fists more and more, inciting hate and violence, making everyone feel unsafe. I keep thinking how to respond to this when (and sadly, it's when and not if) I'll face it. They're like Daleks, man - it's pure hate. It feels like there's nothing one can say to make them shut up or stop threatening other people, or worse, hurt and kill them.

In just-personally-sad news, an older relative who has been like a grandmother to me (I think I mentioned her here before) is dying. I went to see her yesterday, broke into tears while I was there, and spent the rest of the day sobbing. It's really time for her to go, and she's more than ready to, and I wish her nothing but quick and easy parting as possible, but I still cry whenever I think of her. I love her dearly.

And that's about it. Either way, both of these things will eventually end. And I wish they will end sooner rather then latter.

I'm sorry, Shir. It is so hard to know you have to let go.

If only there would be an end to the political mess. I pray that reasonable people somehow can take control and that the extremist voices can be ignored. I honestly can not imagine living with that level of tension and violence surrounding me. Please be safe.

Good to hear that work is going well. Much luck in finding the perfect apartment.

Oh, Shir, vibing for safety for you, and for sanity to prevail and kindness to somehow fight its way through. It's so much harder and less thrilling than hate, with its addictive self-righteous rush.

Taking some time on the overnight shift. Connie, checking in, seeing if I can be a distraction. Or helpful in some way?

Yep, this. There will always be someone to distract or help or just be with you, even from a distance. Between being scattered around the globe and the bouts of insomnia so many of us wrestle with, you're almost guaranteed to have an ear, a shoulder, or just a companion in the dark any time, day or night.

A bunch of us were talking on FB to a college friend on the second anniversary of her partner's death about just being present and talking (or typing) because even when the words are inadequate or meaningless they're still an anchor, and someone mistyped "bearing witness" as "bearing withness." When there's nothing else to be done, there will always be someone here to bear withness.

Shir, if they are Daleks, aim for the eyes. Yeah, if only it were that easy. I'm sorry to hear about your relative.

Thinking of you, Connie.

Aunt Katherine's funeral is today, so we are gearing up for that.

When there's nothing else to be done, there will always be someone here to bear withness.

Best Freudian typo ever.

I love the idea of bearing withness. It's a beautiful way of describing empathy.

Often when I'm talking to my family, I want to shoo them away and come onto the board. There is experience here, and I've watched so much of it happen. The great tapestry.

I'm better. The waves are still very rough, but there is a shoreline appearing every now and then, and the rocks aren't quite as sharp. It hasn't even been forty-eight hours. Humans are resilient, and I am tough, but it makes me a little nervous. But again, humanity is resilient, and most people aren't in that level of agony for long.

As has always been said, busyness helps. Voices help. I try to keep my mind quiet, just doing what needs done.

It was kind of weird, I put on a disk of Castle, let myself be involved in it, and about the 4th episode, a lot of the terror went away. I guess I was finally able to get the hooks out of my mind and let them wither.

Shadow is snuggling me more, though I don't do it right. I'm supposed to spend more time napping with him. It's weird to be worrying about the mourning process of a cat. Though many here understand that well.

You can be tough, but Connie, you also don't have to be. You experience this exactly the way you do and it will be ok. You don't have to be anyone's idea of ok or better or grieving enough or too much or anything. Do you, don't worry about anyone else.

Well, ok, the cat, you can totally worry about the cat, that's us too.