I don't think guys really want to "keep it light"

Does that mean no one wants to "keep it light", or just men don't ever want to?

Either way, I think going into it saying "Well, if you turn out to be that special someone, we can take it up a notch, but I'm not looking for special right now" does no one any benefit.

Either way, I think going into it saying "Well, if you turn out to be that special someone, we can take it up a notch, but I'm not looking for special right now" does no one any benefit.

That's basically what I meant.

What's the best way to differentiate themselves from people who are looking for relationships right now? How else should smonster know this isn't worth a gamble, since her motivation is different, and human nature's predisposition to hang on to "special someone" (as in, "that could be me! it will be me!" or "why wasn't it me????") would lead me to not even bring it up.

What's important, for me (since I'm not ever looking for a relationship) is that the guy not gamble anything on the chance that he changes my mind. Anything could happen in the future, but if me saying "well, sure, if you're Prince Charming" runs a high risk of hurting him now or later, I'm not going to say it--and I don't owe it to him either.

DH and I were completely and absolutely not interested in a relationship when we first dated. He was graduating and I was grieving. Not even remotely interested. That was more than 25 years ago.

That's the problem, isn't it? DH was not interested in a relationship either when we met. Sometimes, we don't know what we want.

Just think how pissed we'd be at someone for effectively leading smonster on, if really they were...not feeling a relationship and hadn't been from the start--no mark against her, it's just who they are. This is important to her, and I think she should have all the information up front to make relationship decisions. If she wants to take the gamble, fine. But at least she knows she's gambling, and has a better idea of the odds.

I agree completely. It just seems a whole lot of people I know in long term relationships weren't looking for that to happen at the beginning.

It just seems a whole lot of people I know in long term relationships weren't looking for that to happen at the beginning.

But I bet the number of people not in long term relationships and aren't looking for it is even bigger. The exceptions are more memorable than entire lifestyles. I've probably said "no" enough times to make up for every exception listed here so far, and then some.

I remember having this conversation before when discussing St. W and I feel weird having it again. I don't know how else to describe my flinching, but I'm pretty sure I'm standing in ita's corner. I don't know how helpful it is to give wonderful examples of how we found our wonderful soulmates because.... of.... reasons? Note: I am much more guilty of this in many, many in-person conversations than anyone else (I am assuming) so I don't want to sound judgy and attacking, because that's so not what I'm meaning to do.

I just feel very uncomfortable providing anything that looks like false hope with what I know are the best of intentions.

Ugh, I'm not saying this right.

I understand, Nora. You're not being judgy.