My family death dreams involve them all being murdered and me avenging them. Not in a nightmare way either. I dunno if they need to know their massacre is a dream for me.

I hated my mom a lot as a kid. I spent a lot of my time walking on eggshells and trying not to set her off.

I never hated my mom, although I realized only recently that I did resent a lot of the restrictions her illness put on our family and my life. Mostly I was afraid she was going to die. And if she could die (was mortal, in other words) that meant my dad could die, too, so then I was afraid he would die in a plane crash or a car accident (he traveled a lot, since he was in sales) and I would have to take care of my sick mom, and how would I do that?

Good times.

And I have those dreams Scrappy does. All of it. It's amazing the anger that is squashed into my brain.

About two months after my mom died, I started having recurring dreams of burning down the house that we had been living in when she was diagnosed with leukemia. After the third time or so, I started laughing about how unsubtle my subconscious was being, because really, what other reaction could I have?

Pardon me for dumping on the thread, but I need some input besides my own. I've been thinking about this a lot. When I talk about "managing" other peoples' emotions and how exhausting it is - maybe this is why I tend to avoid lots of interaction with people now. If someone around me is visibly, vocally upset, it disturbs me and I feel like I need to do something to make it stop, either fix the problem or get far away. I can't just watch someone else get upset and feel no emotional connection to it, even if they are strangers. I also feel like I have to be cnstantly managing other peoples' emotional responses to me - to make them happy with me or at least make them benignly ignore me. I have to be invisible, or I have to be bright and cheery and clever and fun and pretty and happy-making. This is exhausting and I lose the ability to keep it up pretty quickly, then I get cranky and I want to hide alone in my room for hours. All of this negatively impacts my ability to have a social life and make friends. Somehow, I need to stop feeling like I have to make other people happy and make them like me. I need to stop caring how they feel and whether they like me. (Which sounds callous, but I trust you know what I mean.) Anyone else have this problem?

I have had several dreams where I was being chased by my mom like she was a movie monster, but I've never killed her. I'm just always running, hiding, scared as crap.

I don't think I've ever told my parents I hated them. I must have, right? But I can't remember.

I want to hug my mom and tell her how much I love her right now. She was a great mom, and y'all are reminding me of how grateful I am for her love.

You also reminded me of how delicious an orange Julius is. Mmmm, plus so summery. I need to figure out where I can get an orange Julius. I should introduce the kids to the concept.

I have that problem, Zen. I also feel like I'm obliged to entertain people and fill in any gaps in conversation. Then afterwards I feel like I dominated the conversation, and everyone wishes I would just shut up.

Zenkitty, what you described is very similar to how I'm wired. Except that I simultaneously don't care if strangers or random people don't like me - that part strictly applies to the people I like.

I also feel like I have to be cnstantly managing other peoples' emotional responses to me - to make them happy with me or at least make them benignly ignore me.

Pete said one of the saddest, creepiest things he's ever seen was on the night my mom was admitted to the ICU. We were in the waiting room with my dad, and whenever anyone else came into the waiting room (doctor, nurse, random stranger), my dad and I immediately switched on into "charming, set people at ease" mode. Neither of us were aware we were doing it, but we did.

Similar, Zen - I'm completely conflict avoidant. But I generally won't try to coax them out of it, I just need to Get Away. I swear this is one of the (several) reasons I don't watch Reality programming. Can't even deal with that level of conflict. And I have to be able to escape and be by myself sooner or later (and more and more as I get older, it seems).

I also feel like I'm obliged to entertain people and fill in any gaps in conversation. Then afterwards I feel like I dominated the conversation, and everyone wishes I would just shut up.

Wow, Ginger's also me.

And let me be clear, I love my mom, and miss her like crazy. But I also am now able to recognize how hurt and unwell she was, and what sort impact that had on me. I wish I could have made her happier, but I know that wasn't really in my power.

t I guess the ME ME ME tag doesn't close right now?